Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE
Enjoy
Inexperienced chili taster
Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast....
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous
celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one
else wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the
last minute, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by
the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the score cards from the event:
Chili #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER CHILI
Judge #1: A little too heavy in tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy shit! what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge #1: Smokey with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in two
extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge #1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick needs more beans.
Judge #2: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Frank: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my back is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting shit-faced.
Chili #4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating.
Chili #5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge #1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2: Chili using shredded beef', could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from
the pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili #6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge #1: Thin yet bold vegetarian chili. Good balance of spice and
peppers Judge #2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and
garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili #7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge #1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last minute. I should note that I am worried about
judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost the site in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made out of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like
shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it through the four inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8: HELEN'S MOUNT SINAI CHILI
Judge #1: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2: This final entry is a good, balanced chili neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge #3 passed out ,
fell, and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor yank
Frank: --------------------------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was
unable to report)
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE