[Romford Lad]

Well guys ~ I've found it, it's not quite in the same 'genre' as Squirt's original ~ but I hope it brings a smile [sorry it's long!

THE FARTING CONTEST by Anon

I'll tell you a story that is sure to please
of a great farting contest at Burton-on-Tees
Where all the best arses paraded the field
to compete in a contest for various shields.

Some tighten their arses and fart up the scale,
to compete for a cup and a gallon of ale.
While others whose arses are bigger and strongest,
compete in the section for loudest and longest.

Now this years event had drawn quite a large crowd,
and the betting was even on Mrs MacLeod.
For it had appeared in the evening edition
that this lady's arse was in perfect condition.

Now, old Mrs Jones had a perfect backside,
half a forest of hairs with a wart on the side.
And she fancied her chances of winning with ease
having trained on a diet of cabbage and peas.

The Vicar arrived and ascended the stand,
and thus he addressed this remarkable band.
"The contest is on as is shown in the bill,
we've precluded the use of injections and pills".

Mrs Bindle arrived amid roars of appause,
and promply proceeded to pull off her drawers.
For though she'd no chance in the farting display
she'd the prettiest bottom you'd see this day.

Now, young Mrs Pothole was backed for a place,
though she'd often been placed in the deepest disgrace
by dropping a fart that had beaten the organ
and the poor Vicar, old Jonathon Morgan.

The ladies lined up at the signal to start
and winning the toss, Mrs Jones took first fart
The people around stood in silence and wonder
while her wireless announced gale warnings and thunder.

Now, Mrs MacLeod reckoned nothing of this
she'd had some weak tea and was all wind and pride.
So she took up her place and her arse open wide
But unluckily shit...... and was disqualified.

Then young Mrs Pothole was called to the front
and started by doing a wonderful stunt.
She took a deep breath and clenching her hands
she blew the whole roof off the popular stands.

That left Mrs Bindle, who shyly appeared
and smiled at the clergy who lustily cheered.
And though it was reckoned her chances were small
she let out a winner, outfarting them all.

With hands on her hips, she stood farting alone
and the crowd stood amazed at the sweetness of tone
and the clergy agreed without hindrance or pause
and said "First, Mrs Bindle... now pull up your draws"!

But with muscles well tensed and legs full apart
she started a final and glorious fart.
Beginning with 'Chopin' and ending with 'Wing'
she went right up the scale to 'God Save the King'

She went to the rostrum with maidenly gait
and took from the panel, a set of gold plate
Then she turned to the Vicar with sweetness sublime
and smilingly said, "Come up and see me some time"!