[redting]

1. Well, this day was a total waste
of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my
kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are
they calling me Mom?
4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal
growth.
5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily
ever after.
6. Do I look like a freaking people
person?
7. This isn't an office. It's Hell with
fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing & still
have most of it left.
9. I pretend to work. They pretend to
pay me.
10. I've found Jesus. He was behind the
sofa the whole time.
11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
12. You! Off my planet!
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble
wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence
and senseless acts of self-control.
15. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for
keeping me that way!
18. If I want to hear the pitter patter of
little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
20. The Bible was written by the same people
who said the Earth was flat.
21. Did the aliens forget to remove your
anal probe?
22. Errors have been made. Others will be
blamed.
23. God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into
the mountains and I had to eat him.
24. Let me show you how the guards used to
do it.
25. And just how may I screw you over today?
26. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion
would be?
27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a
very bad mood for 30 years.
28. If only you'd use your powers for
good instead of evil...
29. See no evil, hear no evil, date no
evil.
30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
31. Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put
that icky thing in my mouth.
32. Allow me to introduce my selves.
33. Sarcasm is just one more service we
offer.
34. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy
it for you."
35. Better living through denial.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going
for, you missed.
37. Suburbia: where they tear out the
trees & then name streets after them.
38. Adult child of alien invaders.
39. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
40. I'm just working here till a good
fast-food job opens up.
41. Are those your eyeballs? I found them
in my cleavage.
42. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
43. I'm trying to imagine you with a
personality.
44. A cubicle is just a padded cell without
a door.
45. Stress is when you wake up screaming and
realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
46. Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right
off your credit cards.
47. After I cook the vegetables, what do I
do with the wheelchairs?
48. Here I am! Now what are your other two
wishes?
49. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin
or the evil one.
51. Don't worry. I forgot your name,
too!
52. Adults are just kids who owe money.
53. One of us is thinking about sex...
OK, it's me.
54. How many times do I have to flush
before you go away?
55. I have a computer, a vibrator, and
pizza delivery. Why should I leave
the house?
56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
57. It's sick the way you people keep
having sex without me.
58. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
59. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad
thing.
60. Can I trade this job for what's behind
door #2?
61. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
62. Macho Law forbids me from admitting
I'm wrong.
63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
64. Not all people are annoying. Some are
dead.