short but sweet ... - Page 12

**squirt** · 08-31-2007, 06:55 PM

Bob and Barbara are waiting on line at the Post Office, to purchase some stamps. "I heard they are making likable stamps in a variety of tasty flavors to save the public the awful experience of running their tongues over something so unsavory" said Barbara. "Really?" said Bob. "You bet," Barbara, said, "There is strawberry, cherry, grape ... which one are you going to get?" Bob replied, "Me??? Oh, I'm not into fruit flavors. I'm ordering a brand new flavor they've just introduced. It's called 'vagina'."

**squirt** · 08-31-2007, 08:24 PM

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.

What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.

How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

Why are so many dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.

What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One ... men will screw anything

What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
Gifted

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

What did God say after he created man?
I can do better than this.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote between his toes.

**squirt** · 09-02-2007, 07:37 PM

Harry had proudly demonstrated his new ultracompact sports car to his date of the evening and had spun the little wonder to a halt on a lonely country road. After a considerable amount of amorous preliminaries, his girl coyly jumped out of the car and headed for a mossy spot nearby. Noticing that Harry wasn't following, she turned and said, "Hurry and get out of the car before I get out of the mood." Harry struggled for a minute, then mournfully said, "Until I get out of the mood, I can't get out of the car!"

**squirt** · 09-02-2007, 08:18 PM

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy." The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..." "I know how to screw, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna."

**squirt** · 09-03-2007, 07:20 PM

Why is the 69 position is like driving in rush hour?
The asshole is always in front of you!

What do you call the space between the vagina and the asshole?
A Chin Rest!

Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
Because it tasted better than Adam's banana

What did Adam say when he woke up with a rib missing?
Something smells fishy around here

What do you call a prostitute with her hand in her panties?
Self employed

Why are two out of every three Texas women bowllegged?
Because two out of every three Texas men eat with their hats on!

What's the difference between sugar and Sweet & Low?
Sugar's when you kiss her on the lips ...

Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake the exorcist?
It's about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son!

What's the definition of an 11?
A 10 that swallows!

How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?
He marks the camels that kick

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.
She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."

"I've taken so many showers to fight temptation," the Priest told his
superior, "that now every time it rains I get an erection"

What did Adam say to Eve?
"Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets."

Anyone remember that fairytale about the uncircumcised troll?
I think it was called "Rumpled Foreskin"

**squirt** · 09-03-2007, 07:28 PM

As an enlisted sailor, I don't feel that the Navy is advancing me in rank fast enough, so I'm going to change my last name to Stains. My guess is they would rather promote me than to have to refer to me as Seaman Stains.

**squirt** · 09-03-2007, 07:35 PM

During a long rain delay, a baseball color commentator decides to kill some time by sharing a little trivia with the play-by-play announcer. "I'll bet you don't know who hit the most home runs between 1955 and 1975," the color man says. "Everyone knows that," says the announcer, "Hank Aaron." "How about who had the most RBI's between 1955 and 1975?" "Easy," says the announcer, "Hank Aaron again." "OK, here's a harder one. Know who got hit on the chin with the most balls between 1955 and 1975?" "I'm not sure on that one, but I'm guessing Hank Aaron." "Nope," says the color man, "Liberace."

================================

I ran in to Bill the other day and he clearly looked very distraught. I asked him what was wrong. Bill said, "As you know, I am looking for employment. I found an ad in the paper for a part in local dinner theater, Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. I went and tried out for the part of Romeo. However, I failed my audition through a misunderstanding over a simple stage direction. My copy of the script clearly said, "Enter Juliet from the rear."

**squirt** · 09-04-2007, 06:12 PM

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?" Sally replied, "No ... salty! "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Charlie walked into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and said, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His wife was lying in bed and replied, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." The man said to his wife, "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you!"

**squirt** · 09-05-2007, 05:54 PM

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!" "Oh, no! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive." "I also heard that you've been calling me fat!" "Oh, no! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are." "I also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!" "Oh, no! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

**squirt** · 09-05-2007, 06:32 PM

A newly married couple was walking along in their village along a winding country road. The husband had been trying to figure out a way to approach his new wife for sex, since they hadn't yet consummated their vows and the sexual tension was beginning to be more than he could handle. As they walked, they came across a cow and a bull engaged in the act of reproduction. The husband leaned over to his new bride and whispered in her ear, "Darling, would you like me to do what the bull is doing?" "Do what you want," she says, "but take care, since that is not our cow.

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08-31-2007, 06:55 PM	#111 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,993 Rep Power: 8572	Bob and Barbara are waiting on line at the Post Office, to purchase some stamps. "I heard they are making likable stamps in a variety of tasty flavors to save the public the awful experience of running their tongues over something so unsavory" said Barbara. "Really?" said Bob. "You bet," Barbara, said, "There is strawberry, cherry, grape ... which one are you going to get?" Bob replied, "Me??? Oh, I'm not into fruit flavors. I'm ordering a brand new flavor they've just introduced. It's called 'vagina'."

08-31-2007, 08:24 PM	#112 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,993 Rep Power: 8572	Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there. What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them. Why are men like commercials? You can't believe a word they say. Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why. Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay. What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris? Most men have no trouble finding a bar. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? Sex. What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off. What do men and women have in common? They both distrust men. How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts? Guilt gifts are nicer. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes. How is a man like the weather? Nothing can be done to change either one of them What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them. Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married. Why don't men often show their true feelings? Because they don't have any. Why do men have a hole in their penis? So oxygen can get to their brains. What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing? Castrated. What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature. What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home. Why are so many dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men can remember them. What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman? A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles. What is the thinnest book in the world? What men know about women How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One ... men will screw anything What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50? Gifted What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares! How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped. What did God say after he created man? I can do better than this. What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote between his toes.

09-02-2007, 07:37 PM	#113 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,993 Rep Power: 8572	Harry had proudly demonstrated his new ultracompact sports car to his date of the evening and had spun the little wonder to a halt on a lonely country road. After a considerable amount of amorous preliminaries, his girl coyly jumped out of the car and headed for a mossy spot nearby. Noticing that Harry wasn't following, she turned and said, "Hurry and get out of the car before I get out of the mood." Harry struggled for a minute, then mournfully said, "Until I get out of the mood, I can't get out of the car!"

09-02-2007, 08:18 PM	#114 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,993 Rep Power: 8572	The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy." The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..." "I know how to screw, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna."

09-03-2007, 07:20 PM	#115 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,993 Rep Power: 8572	Why is the 69 position is like driving in rush hour? The asshole is always in front of you! What do you call the space between the vagina and the asshole? A Chin Rest! Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana What did Adam say when he woke up with a rib missing? Something smells fishy around here What do you call a prostitute with her hand in her panties? Self employed Why are two out of every three Texas women bowllegged? Because two out of every three Texas men eat with their hats on! What's the difference between sugar and Sweet & Low? Sugar's when you kiss her on the lips ... Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake the exorcist? It's about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son! What's the definition of an 11? A 10 that swallows! How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex? He marks the camels that kick A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me." "I've taken so many showers to fight temptation," the Priest told his superior, "that now every time it rains I get an erection" What did Adam say to Eve? "Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets." Anyone remember that fairytale about the uncircumcised troll? I think it was called "Rumpled Foreskin"

09-03-2007, 07:28 PM	#116 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,993 Rep Power: 8572	As an enlisted sailor, I don't feel that the Navy is advancing me in rank fast enough, so I'm going to change my last name to Stains. My guess is they would rather promote me than to have to refer to me as Seaman Stains.

09-03-2007, 07:35 PM	#117 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,993 Rep Power: 8572	During a long rain delay, a baseball color commentator decides to kill some time by sharing a little trivia with the play-by-play announcer. "I'll bet you don't know who hit the most home runs between 1955 and 1975," the color man says. "Everyone knows that," says the announcer, "Hank Aaron." "How about who had the most RBI's between 1955 and 1975?" "Easy," says the announcer, "Hank Aaron again." "OK, here's a harder one. Know who got hit on the chin with the most balls between 1955 and 1975?" "I'm not sure on that one, but I'm guessing Hank Aaron." "Nope," says the color man, "Liberace." ================================ I ran in to Bill the other day and he clearly looked very distraught. I asked him what was wrong. Bill said, "As you know, I am looking for employment. I found an ad in the paper for a part in local dinner theater, Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. I went and tried out for the part of Romeo. However, I failed my audition through a misunderstanding over a simple stage direction. My copy of the script clearly said, "Enter Juliet from the rear."

09-04-2007, 06:12 PM	#118 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,993 Rep Power: 8572	Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?" Sally replied, "No ... salty! " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Charlie walked into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and said, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His wife was lying in bed and replied, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." The man said to his wife, "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you!"

09-05-2007, 05:54 PM	#119 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,993 Rep Power: 8572	Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!" "Oh, no! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive." "I also heard that you've been calling me fat!" "Oh, no! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are." "I also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!" "Oh, no! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

09-05-2007, 06:32 PM	#120 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,993 Rep Power: 8572	A newly married couple was walking along in their village along a winding country road. The husband had been trying to figure out a way to approach his new wife for sex, since they hadn't yet consummated their vows and the sexual tension was beginning to be more than he could handle. As they walked, they came across a cow and a bull engaged in the act of reproduction. The husband leaned over to his new bride and whispered in her ear, "Darling, would you like me to do what the bull is doing?" "Do what you want," she says, "but take care, since that is not our cow.