short but sweet ... - Page 13

**squirt** · 09-05-2007, 06:52 PM

While inspecting their honeymoon hotel room the bride discovered a little box attached to the bed. "What's this for?" she asked her husband. "If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating." "Save your money," she said. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating!"

**squirt** · 09-08-2007, 08:00 PM

A young woman goes out drinking one night, something that she normally doesn't do, and she gets really plastered! The next morning she rolls over and discovers there is an elephant in bed with her! She looks at the elephant and says, "Oh no, I must have been really tight last night!" The elephant looks at her and waves his trunk a little and says, "Only the first time."

===================================

A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a pub and said: "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" "Yes I do," replied the beautiful young woman, "But go ahead, as I'm sure you're going to ask me anyway." "OK," said the shy, drunken, innocent young man, "How many men have you slept with?" "That's my business!" snapped the woman. "Oh, cool!" said the young man. "I didn't realize you made a living at it!

**squirt** · 09-08-2007, 10:03 PM

Bill asks a woman out on a date after meeting her in a bar.
She says, "What kind of car do you drive?"
Bill replies " A VW Bug."
She scornfully says, "That's awfully small!"
Bill replies, "Don't worry, I'm not going to screw you with the car."

**squirt** · 09-08-2007, 11:18 PM

The husband is always going across the street to the grass widow's. One evening, the dinner is ready to serve and he's still not home, so the wife calls and says "Will you please tell my husband to get his ass across the street?" and the widow replies "Well, that's what he's been doin', honey!"

************ ********* **************

A new law recently passed in Tennessee: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

************ ********* **************

The young man was determined to win his girlfriend's heart that evening. "I have loved you more than you will ever know ..." he began. "So I was right," she exclaimed, slapping him across the face. "You did take advantage of me last Saturday night when I was drunk!"

**squirt** · 09-11-2007, 05:13 PM

Convicted of murder and sentenced to death, the shapely young woman asked, as a last request, that she be hanged in the nude. Although the warden thought this unusual, he felt a last request was not something to be denied. When the condemned prisoner arrived at the gallows, the hangman gasped, "My God, you have the most beautiful body I've ever seen." Came the whispered reply, "It's all yours if you keep your trap shut."

=========================

A handsome advertising executive attended a party given by a female colleague and left with an extremely attractive guest. In the office the next morning, he thanked the hostess and explained that he really liked her friend. "Oh, she's not really a friend of mine," the girl responded. "Just an acquaintance." "Well, in that case," the man chuckled, "I'm happy to have made your acquaintance."

**squirt** · 09-13-2007, 06:39 PM

Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left
his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?

She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

* * *

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?

The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

* * *

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?

When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says, "go ahead."

* * *

How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?

Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

* * *

A new law recently passed in North Carolina:
When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

* * *

Redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I've got a hot date for tonight, an' I needs me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them thar rubbers gonna cost me?"

To which the pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."

To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a'mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?! "

**squirt** · 09-13-2007, 08:07 PM

If you want me to fall for you, you have to give me something worth tripping over.

========

A new survey shows that there are more single unmarried people living together in households then married households in the U.S. right now. When you factor in all the married guys who tell women they are single, it's even bigger! (Jay Leno)

========

Why is it when you're young and inexperienced, you have plenty of get up and go. Then when you are older and experienced, your get up and go has got up and went?

========

In the morning I do not eat because I think of you.
At noon I do not eat because I think of you.
In the evening I do not eat because I think of you.
At night I do not sleep because I am hungry.

========

The doctor has just finished giving Bill a thorough physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, "is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women." "Doc, I don't deserve the best," said Bill. "What's next best?"

========

Middle-aged wife to husband at computer: "Yes, honey, I think you can safely assume that a romantic e-mail from Pamela Lee Anderson is a prank."

========

Men spend thousands on hair transplants and toupees when what is really needed is more women who like bald men.

**squirt** · 09-13-2007, 08:09 PM

What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?

Men usually miss them.

THE REASON WHY:
Women keep you in the dark about the location of the first one, and they will only hint about the date of the second one ... so all that aggravation gives you the shakes, so of course you're gonna miss the toilet!!

========

THE LADIES AT LUNCH

Mary: I'll tell you one thing I've learned from being married three times.

Jill: What's that?

Mary: I have learned there is little difference in husbands; you might as well keep the first.

**squirt** · 09-17-2007, 07:33 PM

One day an old farmer fell asleep in the top level in a 2 level hay shed. When he woke up, he found his son having sex with his girlfriend on the bottom level of the hay shed. He decided he wouldn't disturb them, so he laid down and rested. After a while he heard his son say, "Father, father up above. Give me strength for one last shove." So the father, being smart, replied, "Son, son down below. Get off and give your father a go."

**squirt** · 09-17-2007, 07:36 PM

Virginity can be cured

=======================

What do you call an eighty year old impotent sailor?
A salt with a dead weapon

=======================

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.

=======================

While doing home improvements, a man found that the kitchen tile he was putting down wouldn't lie flat. Does that mean he has erect-tile dysfunction?

=======================

Imagine the girl's surprise when she walked into the playboy's apartment and discovered he had no chairs, no tables, no bed, no furniture at all. She was floored!

=======================

What is it about submarines that women love so much?
The concept of a long, hard cylinder filled with seamen

=======================

Then there was the bachelor who continually felt the need to insert his masculinity

=======================

We just overheard a couple of our new interns discussing one of the more dashing members of our staff. "He dresses so well," said one. "And so quickly," replied her girlfriend.

=======================

When the sultan entered his harem unexpectedly, his wives let out a terrified sheik ...

Jokeroo

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09-05-2007, 06:52 PM	#121 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,993 Rep Power: 8572	While inspecting their honeymoon hotel room the bride discovered a little box attached to the bed. "What's this for?" she asked her husband. "If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating." "Save your money," she said. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating!"

09-08-2007, 08:00 PM	#122 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,993 Rep Power: 8572	A young woman goes out drinking one night, something that she normally doesn't do, and she gets really plastered! The next morning she rolls over and discovers there is an elephant in bed with her! She looks at the elephant and says, "Oh no, I must have been really tight last night!" The elephant looks at her and waves his trunk a little and says, "Only the first time." =================================== A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a pub and said: "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" "Yes I do," replied the beautiful young woman, "But go ahead, as I'm sure you're going to ask me anyway." "OK," said the shy, drunken, innocent young man, "How many men have you slept with?" "That's my business!" snapped the woman. "Oh, cool!" said the young man. "I didn't realize you made a living at it!

09-08-2007, 10:03 PM	#123 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,993 Rep Power: 8572	Bill asks a woman out on a date after meeting her in a bar. She says, "What kind of car do you drive?" Bill replies " A VW Bug." She scornfully says, "That's awfully small!" Bill replies, "Don't worry, I'm not going to screw you with the car."

09-08-2007, 11:18 PM	#124 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,993 Rep Power: 8572	The husband is always going across the street to the grass widow's. One evening, the dinner is ready to serve and he's still not home, so the wife calls and says "Will you please tell my husband to get his ass across the street?" and the widow replies "Well, that's what he's been doin', honey!" ********** ***** ********** A new law recently passed in Tennessee: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister. ******** ***** ************ The young man was determined to win his girlfriend's heart that evening. "I have loved you more than you will ever know ..." he began. "So I was right," she exclaimed, slapping him across the face. "You did take advantage of me last Saturday night when I was drunk!"

09-11-2007, 05:13 PM	#125 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,993 Rep Power: 8572	Convicted of murder and sentenced to death, the shapely young woman asked, as a last request, that she be hanged in the nude. Although the warden thought this unusual, he felt a last request was not something to be denied. When the condemned prisoner arrived at the gallows, the hangman gasped, "My God, you have the most beautiful body I've ever seen." Came the whispered reply, "It's all yours if you keep your trap shut." ========================= A handsome advertising executive attended a party given by a female colleague and left with an extremely attractive guest. In the office the next morning, he thanked the hostess and explained that he really liked her friend. "Oh, she's not really a friend of mine," the girl responded. "Just an acquaintance." "Well, in that case," the man chuckled, "I'm happy to have made your acquaintance."

09-13-2007, 06:39 PM	#126 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,993 Rep Power: 8572	Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen. * * * What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved. * * * How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says, "go ahead." * * * How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic. * * * A new law recently passed in North Carolina: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister. * * * Redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I've got a hot date for tonight, an' I needs me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them thar rubbers gonna cost me?" To which the pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax." To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a'mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?! "

09-13-2007, 08:07 PM	#127 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,993 Rep Power: 8572	If you want me to fall for you, you have to give me something worth tripping over. ======== A new survey shows that there are more single unmarried people living together in households then married households in the U.S. right now. When you factor in all the married guys who tell women they are single, it's even bigger! (Jay Leno) ======== Why is it when you're young and inexperienced, you have plenty of get up and go. Then when you are older and experienced, your get up and go has got up and went? ======== In the morning I do not eat because I think of you. At noon I do not eat because I think of you. In the evening I do not eat because I think of you. At night I do not sleep because I am hungry. ======== The doctor has just finished giving Bill a thorough physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, "is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women." "Doc, I don't deserve the best," said Bill. "What's next best?" ======== Middle-aged wife to husband at computer: "Yes, honey, I think you can safely assume that a romantic e-mail from Pamela Lee Anderson is a prank." ======== Men spend thousands on hair transplants and toupees when what is really needed is more women who like bald men.

09-13-2007, 08:09 PM	#128 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,993 Rep Power: 8572	What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common? Men usually miss them. THE REASON WHY: Women keep you in the dark about the location of the first one, and they will only hint about the date of the second one ... so all that aggravation gives you the shakes, so of course you're gonna miss the toilet!! ======== THE LADIES AT LUNCH Mary: I'll tell you one thing I've learned from being married three times. Jill: What's that? Mary: I have learned there is little difference in husbands; you might as well keep the first.

09-17-2007, 07:33 PM	#129 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,993 Rep Power: 8572	One day an old farmer fell asleep in the top level in a 2 level hay shed. When he woke up, he found his son having sex with his girlfriend on the bottom level of the hay shed. He decided he wouldn't disturb them, so he laid down and rested. After a while he heard his son say, "Father, father up above. Give me strength for one last shove." So the father, being smart, replied, "Son, son down below. Get off and give your father a go."

09-17-2007, 07:36 PM	#130 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,993 Rep Power: 8572	Virginity can be cured ======================= What do you call an eighty year old impotent sailor? A salt with a dead weapon ======================= The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. ======================= While doing home improvements, a man found that the kitchen tile he was putting down wouldn't lie flat. Does that mean he has erect-tile dysfunction? ======================= Imagine the girl's surprise when she walked into the playboy's apartment and discovered he had no chairs, no tables, no bed, no furniture at all. She was floored! ======================= What is it about submarines that women love so much? The concept of a long, hard cylinder filled with seamen ======================= Then there was the bachelor who continually felt the need to insert his masculinity ======================= We just overheard a couple of our new interns discussing one of the more dashing members of our staff. "He dresses so well," said one. "And so quickly," replied her girlfriend. ======================= When the sultan entered his harem unexpectedly, his wives let out a terrified sheik ...