short but sweet ...

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The World's Shortest Fairy Tale ...

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants.

THE END

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The biology teacher at the all-girl academy was handing back a test on male anatomy on which the girls did poorly. "I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ. You've had it pounded into you all semester.

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Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A: The grip.

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: How are women and rocks alike?
A: You skip across the flat ones.

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: What's the difference between a '90's woman and a Computer?
A: A '90's woman won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: How do Greeks separate the men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick
A: When you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.

Q: What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
A: Hump-me Dump-me.

Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

Q: Why do Greek men wear gold neck chains?
A: So they know where to stop shaving.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q: Why don't men fake orgasm?
A: Cuz no man would pull those faces on purpose.

Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
A. Its Braille for "suck here".

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. Why do women have tits?
A. So men will talk to them.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.

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A friend went to see the movie "American Beauty" and was quite bothered by some scenes, in particular a masturbation scene. Discussing the movie with her husband later, she said, "I'm sorry, but I find masturbation in a movie to be really offensive." Her husband sighed and said, "All right, I'll stop doing it."

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Q. How do you scare a man?
A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

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Q: What Do You Call A Woman Who Can Suck A Golf Ball Through A 20 Ft. Garden Hose?
A: `Darling', `Sweetheart' , `Precious', Whatever It Takes.

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A newlywed couple who were both avid baseball fans attended a Cub game. They were still on their honeymoon and very affectionate, hugging and kissing so much that they weren't able to follow the game. After a couple of seconds of thought the wife says, "I've got an idea, honey. You kiss me on the strikes and I'll kiss you on the balls."

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A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"

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An anxious mother was lecturing her young daughter on the issue of sex morality. "If you're ever tempted while out on a date," she warned, "Don't forget to ask yourself this one question: Is one hour of pleasure worth an entire lifetime of shame?" "Gee, Mom," asked the girl, "How do you make it last an hour?"

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Oldies but goodie, from Johnny Carson's Carnac the Magnificent.

A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
Q: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.

A: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong.

A: Gatorade.
Q: What does an alligator get on welfare?

A: Bible belt.
Q: What holds up Pat Robertson's pants?

A: Milk and honey.
Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?

A: Ben Gay.
Q: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?

A: An unmarried woman.
Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3:00 and 5:00 pm on June 1, 1952?

A: Disjoint.
Q: What was dat hippie smoking?

A: The Laughing Policeman.
Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?

A: Dustin Hoffman.
Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.

A: Until he gets caught.
Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?

A: Old wives tale.
Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest?

A: Rub-a-dub-dub.
Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?

A: Shareholder.
Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?

A: Skalliwags.
Q: What does your skalli do when it's happy?

A: David Frost.
Q: On a cold morning what forms on your David?

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After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table where she was sat and said: "What can I get you, gorgeous?" The woman blushed and replied: "If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please." The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the woman's ear: "Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?"

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"Your honor, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get married, please." "All right, what is your age?" "I'm 22, sir." "And the age of the bride?" "She's 15, sir." "15? That's too young - marrying you would be against the law!" "I see, " said the young man. "Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?"