05-15-2008, 10:40 PM
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#501 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 356,008
Rep Power: 8573   |
While trying to track down the cause of a recurrent vaginitis in a young woman, I asked her whether her partner was circumcised. My query drew only a blank look. I rephrased the question in what I felt was a clever and tactful manner: "When he doesn't have an erection, can you see the head of his penis, or is it covered by folds of skin?" Her unabashed and matter-of-fact response: "I've never seen him without an erection." I felt rather "obsolete" the rest of the day.
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05-16-2008, 01:00 PM
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#502 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Dallas, TX
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A couple had two children, a boy and a girl, who both turned out to be gay. At first they remained closeted, but they were both musicians, and when they found themselves quasi-famous, they feared being exposed in the press and decided it was better if they were forthcoming about their sexuality. The daughter has scheduled a press conference for this afternoon in which she plans to introduce her life partner to the press and tell the world she's a lesbian. And the son'll come out tomorrow
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05-16-2008, 01:14 PM
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#503 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 356,008
Rep Power: 8573 |
A chart in my biology text rated different methods of contraception according to how effective studies showed they were. Everything made sense except for one entry: "Abstinence -- 32% failure."
---------------------------------- The young man was trying to impress his Jewish girlfriend during Hanukkah and was totally shocked when she slapped him after he asked if he could light-up her labia menorah ---------------------------------- Two gals setting in cocktail lounge. Time is about 8:30 P.M. Said one: "It looks like a dull evening. By golly, if I'm not in bed by 10 o'clock, I'm going home!" ---------------------------------- Did you hear Tonya Harding and Michael Jackson bought Aqueduct Racetrack? She's going to do the handicapping and he's going to ride the three-year-olds ---------------------------------- A couple were applying for a marriage license. "Your name?" "Ole Olson." "And yours?" "Lena Olson." "Any connection?" The bride blushed. "Only vunce. He yumped me." ---------------------------------- Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis. The top management usually has a preference for Golf. Conclusion: The further you go up the corporate ladder, the smaller the balls get ---------------------------------- The locale was a nudist colony. The boy and the girl were strolling through the woods. Shyly his words reached her blushing ears: "Don't look now but I think I'm falling in love with you." ---------------------------------- Did you know that Muslims face Mecca to pray; New York Reform Jews face the 'Stage Delicatessen' ; and Boston Priests face the Jury ---------------------------------- Why can't a penis be 12 inches long? Because 12 inches is a foot ---------------------------------- OLD BANKERS never die, but are penalized for early withdrawal ---------------------------------- Answering the phone, is ... a little like making love to a beautiful woman. In that you've gotta... lift the receiver, put it to your ear, speak ... loudly and clearly... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name |
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05-16-2008, 09:04 PM
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#504 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 356,008
Rep Power: 8573 |
The Englishman's paramour told him she was pregnant, and said, "If you do not marry me, I shall kill myself." "Oh I say!" replied her lover, "You really are a decent sort
---------------------------------- The locale was a nudist colony. The boy and the girl were strolling through the woods. Shyly his words reached her blushing ears: "Don't look now but I think I'm falling in love with you." ---------------------------------- A man was explaining to his marriage counselor how he really loved his wife, Edith, but he just couldn't drop his mistress, Kate. The marriage counselor shook his head and said, "You can't have your Kate and Edith too ---------------------------------- HUSBAND: 1 want to make love with you in the worst way." WIFE: "You've been doing that for years!" ---------------------------------- A young American was enjoying his first night in Rome, drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him. "Hello," he said. "Do you understand English" "Only a little," she answered. "How much" he asked. "Fifty dollars," she replied ---------------------------------- She was only a Apple-grower' s daughter, and she couldn't wait to get it in cider |
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05-17-2008, 02:39 PM
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#505 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 356,008
Rep Power: 8573 |
I was getting on the elevator today when I saw a rather solidly-built, middle-aged woman struggling through the front door of the building, obviously in a hurry. So taking pity on her I held the door open until she could get through the lobby and make it to the elevator. "Oh, thank you!" she said breathlessly. "It's so nice to see men are still willing to do a favor for a lady." "No problem," I answered. "Chivalry isn't dead yet." She grunted at me, "If it isn't then it's nearly dead. These days it seems you can't get a man's attention unless you're showing off huge boobs." "Don't be too jealous," I said, "my wife has big tits and I usually ignore her."
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05-17-2008, 07:47 PM
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#506 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 356,008
Rep Power: 8573 |
"I used to call my last live-in 'Head Hunter.'" "Oh, was that because of his business tactics?" "No! It was because he was always looking for some way to get me to give him head!"
-------------------------------- "Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient. "Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked. "Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!" -------------------------------- Wife to husband: "Geezuz! I come home with a little cum in my hair and right away you jump to conclusions -------------------------------- Researchers investigating the remarkably well-preserved 5,200-year-old frozen body of an Alpine hunter found traces of semen in the pubic area. The iceman cometh! -------------------------------- Why did the Nun get excumunicated? They caught her doing push ups in the cucumber patch -------------------------------- What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control? A trip without the kids -------------------------------- What two things in the air will get a women pregnant? Her legs -------------------------------- She was only a Admiral's daughter; but she loved a navel encounter with a great loss of seamen! -------------------------------- There's nothing I hate worse than having really nasty sex with an anonymous guy in a public rest room, and then not only does he not want to give you his name afterward, he leaves the toilet seat up -------------------------------- Headline: GAY BROTHEL HIRES HIMALAYAN MAN |
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05-20-2008, 12:25 AM
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#507 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 356,008
Rep Power: 8573 |
I bumped into a friend of mine that I haven't seen since high school. We were close back then. We almost went to the same college, but my grades weren't really up to snuff. When she went away to college she wrote me and told me that she was going to fulfill her dream of becoming a thespian. When I bumped into her the other day I asked her how that thespian thing was going. She said it was the best. She even gave me tickets to this play that she was in and I happily accepted. She said that we should get dinner afterwards and catch up. I hope that I get to meet her thespian girlfriend at dinner. Thespians are hot!
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05-21-2008, 12:38 AM
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#508 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 356,008
Rep Power: 8573 |
The biggest difference between sex for money and sex for love is that sex for money usually costs a lot less
--------------------------------------- "Sex is a drag! All I worry about is getting pregnant." "I thought your husband had a vasectomy." "He did! That's why I'm so worried." --------------------------------------- A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police. "Honest, I'm not a suicide bomber," he said. "I didn't say I wanted to blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins. All I said was I'm dying to get laid." --------------------------------------- I hate when I hear people say, "Nice guys finish last." Seems every nice guy I've slept with finished first and didn't last --------------------------------------- What's the female version of Viagra called? Niagra, guaranteed to keep her wet all the time --------------------------------------- Why did the Detroit Lions hire two nuns and a prostitute for the new season? They needed two tight ends and a wide receiver --------------------------------------- Moms have Mother's Day, dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday --------------------------------------- Viagrallium: A mix of Viagra and Vallium: if you don't get to fuck, then you don't give a fuck --------------------------------------- She was only a Boxer's daughter but she was often floored --------------------------------------- Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons --------------------------------------- Answering the phone, is... a little like making love to a beautiful woman. In that you've gotta... lift the receiver, put it to your ear, speak... loudly and clearly... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name --------------------------------------- Movie: Die Hard : A high draft pick is found dead after taking an overdose of Viagra --------------------------------------- A trick for the men: Before you play with yourself, sit on your hand until it becomes numb. That way, it's like someone else is giving you a hand job, but it's cheaper than paying for dinner and a movie |
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05-21-2008, 06:22 AM
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#509 (permalink) |
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Jokaroo VIP Status
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Ah...rella like cinderella
Posts: 127,613
Rep Power: 5911 |
LMAO!... the son'll!
Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?" Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work." Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning. "That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it!. It goes like this: Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue. I love waking up and making love to you!" Tyrone said, "Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental." But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife. The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell, bruised eyes, broken noise, lips fatter than normal, the works!! Robert asked, "Man, what happened! To you?!" Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem." Well, what poem did you tell her? Tyrone said: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd hump you like a dog! |
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