05-29-2008, 12:22 AM
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#532 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
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Did you know the average male is 6 inches long, and the average female is 8 inches deep? So in New York City alone there is over 2 miles of unused pussy!
-------------------------------------- A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. He instructed if anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately. After about a week of no news the businessman received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday... " -------------------------------------- In reality, prostitutes are pretty much regular folk: They take your pants off one leg at a time like everybody else -------------------------------------- A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator. The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way." "If I could come that way," she said, "I wouldn't need a vibrator!" -------------------------------------- A guy tells his psychiatrist, "It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I'd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don't get it. How could she do this to me" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn't get your telegram." -------------------------------------- Did you hear about the blonde with a PhD in Psychology? She'll blow your mind, too -------------------------------------- What's the definition of a healthy virgin? One who has never been bed-ridden! -------------------------------------- Why don't blondes talk when having sex? Their Mommies taught them never to speak to strangers -------------------------------------- Peter Sellers: Male prostitutes -------------------------------------- She was only a Baker's daughter, and, with her buns, she sure made one hell of a turnover |
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05-29-2008, 12:23 AM
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#533 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
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Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they've finally got to head back to the convent. To enter the convent's grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies. As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I feel like a Marine." The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?"
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05-29-2008, 12:27 AM
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#534 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
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this sounds like druid! lol
A guy and several of his buddies used to frequent a certain restaurant. The food was always good, but the waitress always looked and sounded very sour. One evening, one of the friends was feeling no pain, and jokingly asked the waitress when she came to take their orders, "Ma'am, do you believe in free love?" The waitress huffed up and shouted at the man, "I certainly do not!" With a great big grin, the man asked, "Well, Darlin', what DO you charge?"
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05-29-2008, 12:29 AM
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#535 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
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On the alleged sexual affair with a country singer starting when she was 15 years old: "Apparently, Roger Clemens has been playing in the minors."
--------------------------------- After taking Viagra for a couple years now, I feel like the wife is starting to take my hard-ons for granite --------------------------------- "I can't believe how much our sex life improved when I started practicing my vaginal exercises for my ex." "Really? What did he say?" "He said, 'For the love of God, please let go of me now!'" --------------------------------- Breakfast was a very late affair that day, and the husband and wife were fragile indeed - badly hung over from a particularly wild party the night before. Bleary eyed, with two trembling hands holding his very black coffee, our hero said to his wife, "Was it you I had anal sex with in the garden last night?" She struggled to bring him into focus. "About what time?" she replied --------------------------------- "I think my boss is into cybersex." "What makes you think so?" "I noticed that lately he's gotten very good at typing with one hand." --------------------------------- Johnny went up to his Dad and asked, "Hey, Dad, can I get twenty bucks for a blow job?" His Dad responded, "I don't know, son. Are you any good?" --------------------------------- Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car? She scorched her lips on the exhaust pipe --------------------------------- What do Brooklyn and women in tight jeans have in common? Flatbush --------------------------------- Why did the blonde go half way to Finland, turn around and come back home? It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a TV set --------------------------------- She was only an Architects daughter, but she let the borough surveyor |
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05-30-2008, 06:34 PM
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#536 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Dallas, TX
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A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!" "Hmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."
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05-30-2008, 06:37 PM
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#537 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Dallas, TX
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A French girl swallowed a pin when she was 10 but didn't feel a prick until she was 16
----------------------------------------- When they found out their wives were attending a sex-toy party, the husbands refused to go and pick them up, and instead left them to their own devices ----------------------------------------- Just because your penis surgery was not successful is no reason to go off half-cocked ----------------------------------------- I think you're laughing at these gags much too loudly and too early. I think you're suffering from premature joke elation ----------------------------------------- Evangelists do more than lay people ----------------------------------------- I got caught stealing rubbers and they treated me like a condom criminal ----------------------------------------- 500 people living on a flood plain experienced bowel movements simultaneously. They were ordered to evacuate ----------------------------------------- Why did the little Greek boy want to run away from home? He didn't like the way he was being reared Why didn't the little Greek boy run away from home after all? He didn't want to leave his brothers behind ----------------------------------------- What is the difference between a woman and a boxer? The boxer stands up to be knocked down. The woman lies down to be knocked up ----------------------------------------- What is every Amish woman's private fantasy? Two Mennonite! ----------------------------------------- As to sex, she just wasn't that great So in bed, they played chess until late Wife did not want to screw What was hubby to do? He was stuck with a real stalemate ----------------------------------------- Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one ----------------------------------------- The constipated mathematician worked it out with a pencil |
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05-30-2008, 06:38 PM
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#538 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
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When I was 17, my mother remarried and moved to Tulsa Oklahoma, leaving me alone to finish my senior year of high school in the little town where we lived (She was only about an hour away and I was very responsible for my age). My girlfriend had decided to stay the night one Saturday, on Sunday morning we woke up and started to have sex. We got very involved and she started screaming very loudly, then we heard the toilet flush in the next room - my mother had come home for a Sunday lunch! When we finally got the courage to come out of the bedroom, my mother was sitting at the dining room table and asked "Did your father have the whole sex talk with you before we got divorced?" He hadn't, but as most kids did at that time we learned in school, I said "No mom, he did not." to which she replied, "I didn't think so, we were married for 28 years and he never made me scream like that!!"
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05-30-2008, 06:42 PM
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#539 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
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I wish I could talk to my doctor about erectile dysfunction, but for some reason it never comes up
----------------------------------- The constipated accountant couldn't budget ----------------------------------- The flasher was thinking of retiring but decided to stick it out for one more year ----------------------------------- The author of the book "Joy of Sex" died after a series of strokes! ----------------------------------- What do you call a Florida gynecologist? A spreader of old wives' tails ----------------------------------- Why does a one-story brothel make more money than a two-story brothel? Because there's no f**king overhead ----------------------------------- Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey? Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork ----------------------------------- One drink is my limit Two at the very mostest Three I'm under the table Four and I'm on the hostess ----------------------------------- Sex: The only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise ----------------------------------- She was only a Artist's daughter, but what a crowd she could draw |
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05-30-2008, 06:46 PM
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#540 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 355,993
Rep Power: 8572 |
What did the MGM cartoon mouse say about the cat's genitalia?
Tom's dick is hairy ------------------------------------- A woman's husband always lets her know when he's not getting enough. The other night when their boys were being particularly rambunctious, and groping each other, she yelled at them "In this house, we don't touch each other's privates." To which her husband replied, "No kidding." ------------------------------------- A blonde's idea of safe sex is locking the car door ------------------------------------- "Didn't you follow my advice about kissing your girlfriend when she least expects it?" asked the older brother. "Oh, hell!" replied the younger sibling with the back eye. "I thought you said 'where.'" ------------------------------------- Research has been being conducted on the world's first contraceptive patch for women. The patch is approximately three inches in diameter and reads: "Get Away From Me." ------------------------------------- Most men will admit that they quickly fall asleep after having sex. And I think I know why. It's because they've been up half the night begging for it ------------------------------------- Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant? She blew it both times! ------------------------------------- What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist? Marriage ------------------------------------- Gershwin enjoyed the caress Of the cows that he kept, and I guess Out of all of the herd Which he screwed, he preferred To be stuffing his porky in Bess ------------------------------------- Tampon: A beaver dam ------------------------------------- The constipated composer couldn't finish the last movement ------------------------------------- She was only a Artist's daughter, but she knew where to draw the line |
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