05-31-2008, 10:24 PM
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#541 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
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I recently got a new phone and it came with 3 way conference call capabilities. I wanted to speak to two of my friends at the same time but I just couldn't figure out how to accomplish that. I called one of them and asked her how this three way thing worked. She replied back with, "Well, you have one guy in your front, one guy in the back and the other guy in your mouth." "I meant on teleconferencing! NOT SEX," I replied.
--------------------------------------- It was supposed to be nothing more than a good night kiss, but he instantly tried to run his hand up under my skirt. I stopped him, and he said, "Oh, Honey! Am I the first one ever to do this to you?" So I said, "I do not know; you have not done anything yet, and at this rate you will never get the chance either!" --------------------------------------- Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I Cum, and one named No Cum. No Cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No Cum Tu. For velly oblious reason No Cum and No Cum Tu not have any childlen. One day, No Cum went out of town on business and I Cum came over and spent the night with No Cum Tu. That night, I Cum came and No Cum Tu came, too. This make both velly happy. However, about 7 or 8 months later, No Cum see he about to become father but he not know how come, so when baby come he named it How Cum U Cum. Of course, I Cum and No Cum Tu know How Cum U Cum came, but to this day No Cum not know how How Cum U Cum came! |
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05-31-2008, 10:27 PM
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#542 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
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The constipated jitterbug couldn't jit
--------------------------------------- A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go --------------------------------------- How did your evening with your new boyfriend go?" "It was a disaster. We were nude in bed in heavy foreplay and he had a premature ejaculation. " "What did he say when it occurred?" "He just said I was the loveliest girl he had ever come across." --------------------------------------- Man who screws near graveyard is fuckin' near dead --------------------------------------- The Mexican doctor told the village nymphomaniac, "Senorita, it looks to me like you've had Juan too many." --------------------------------------- Why do Jewish girls have gold diaphragms? So they can tell their fathers that their boyfriends are cumming into money! --------------------------------------- What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole? A 30 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone --------------------------------------- Why did they call the blond "Twinkie"? She was always being filled with cream. Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store? There's not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning --------------------------------------- Trust: Two cannibals giving each other a blow job --------------------------------------- She was only a Attorney's daughter, but what a will to break |
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06-02-2008, 10:31 PM
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#543 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
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The call girl had just arrived and half a minute later she was flat on her back in bed, completely nude. "I've heard of passionate men," she exclaimed, "but you are exceptional. What's the big hurry?" "Well, you see," admitted her client, "I forgot I'd sent for you and I just took a sleeping pill."
------------------------------------------ What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night? "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!" ------------------------------------------ Why hasn't Barbie ever been pregnant? Because Ken always comes in a different box ------------------------------------------ When does a cub become a boy scout? When he eats his first Brownie ------------------------------------------ What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like? Depends ------------------------------------------ What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick! ------------------------------------------ What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head? All you can eat for under a buck ------------------------------------------ Why do men prefer the woman to be on top? Because men always screw up ------------------------------------------ Vagina: The box a penis comes in ------------------------------------------ Teenager: God's punishment for enjoying sex ------------------------------------------ She was only a Archer's daughter and was always bow-legged |
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06-06-2008, 12:06 AM
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#544 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
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Mr. Cleaver told his wife, "I think we need to find a new baby-sitter for little Wally. This Judi is just too worldly-wise for a teenager." "But Wally said she told him some sort of interesting story about animals last night," Mrs. Cleaver replied, "Uh huh. And when I asked little Wally about it, he said it was about a wolf who was trapped into giving a mink to a fox with a beaver."
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06-06-2008, 12:09 AM
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#545 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
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These days the only real "safe sex" involves going out with a man who's impotent
---------------------------------- Meanwhile, back at the oasis, the Arabs were eating their dates ---------------------------------- If Dracula hired a lady of the evening, could she be considered "Down for the count"? ---------------------------------- The evangelist was haranguing the crowd and carrying on and on about sin, "The wages of sin are high." he bellowed. A young man sitting in the back yelled out, "Not if you can find somebody who'll do it for free." ---------------------------------- I think it's important to remember that we just can't be good at everything. For example, look at Liberace, he was a great pianist, but he sucked on the organ ---------------------------------- Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation: "Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment and really make love?" Ex-: "Over my dead body!" Husband: "Great! But I see you haven't changed one bit." ---------------------------------- The English teacher of the girls school used to fail all her students who did not put a full-stop at the end of their sentences. I guess, she really hated it when her girls missed their periods ---------------------------------- "Mommy, I just found out that our neighbor's son has a penis like a peanut!" "You mean it's small?" "No it's salty!" ---------------------------------- What happens to a man who spends the night at a gay bar? He wakes up with a queer taste in his mouth ---------------------------------- Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra? So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the ass ---------------------------------- There was a young lady named Gay Who was asked to make love in the hay She jumped at the chance And took off her pants She was tickled to try it that way! ---------------------------------- She was only a Athlete's daughter, but she was always ready to play ball ---------------------------------- A good girl keeps her eye on the clock; a bad girl keeps her eye on the calendar |
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06-07-2008, 12:23 AM
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#546 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Dallas, TX
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A slimy fellow proposed a one dollar bar bet to a full figured girl. Despite her dress being buttoned to the neck, he could touch her breasts without touching her clothes. Since this didn't seem remotely possible, she was intrigued and accepted the bet. He stepped up, cupped his hands around her breasts and squeezed firmly. With a baffled look, she said, "Hey, you touched my clothes" and he replied, "Okay. I owe you a dollar."
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06-07-2008, 12:24 AM
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#547 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Dallas, TX
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The prayer meeting was really jumping. The pastor asked for those who wanted to witness to get up and speak. A man stood and shouted, "I have lusted in my heart!" The pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother. Tell it all!" The brother said, "I have been a slave to the demon alcohol!" The pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!" The brother said, "I have been unfaithful to my dear wife!" Again the pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!" The brother said, "I have screwed a goat!" The pastor said, "I wouldn't have told that, Brother!"
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06-07-2008, 12:26 AM
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#548 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
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Two guys in a bar are talking about their wives. "My wife is mad at me again," says the first. "Why?" "I was bombed at the bar across the street last night. And she came looking for me." "What'd you do?" "I asked her for her phone number."
------------------------------------- My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects ------------------------------------- Mark is sitting in a bar wallowing in sadness. His friend Bill comes over and asks what's wrong. Mark says, "My mother-in-law broke up my marriage." "How did she do that?" asks Bill. Mark replies, "Well, my wife came home from work early one day and found me in bed with her." ------------------------------------- Why do women parachutists wear tampons? So they don't whistle on the way down ------------------------------------- What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the tub? The woman in church is getting hope in her soul ------------------------------------- Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place ------------------------------------- She was only a Bricklayer's daughter, but she was certainly stacked |
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06-10-2008, 02:12 AM
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#549 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
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A cautious man who discovers that his girlfriend has forgotten to take her birth control pill one night will give her a tongue-lashing that she will never forget
----------------------------------- NBA centers have become so tall that their girlfriends have to go up on them ----------------------------------- The weeping bride poured out her heart to the eminent marriage counselor. "Isn't there some way - without turning into a nag - that I can keep my husband in line?" The counselor scowled. "Young lady," he said, "your husband shouldn't have to wait in line!" ----------------------------------- Just in time, I found out my fiancee was a bisexual. Gorgeous or not, who wants to marry someone who only wants to have sex twice a year? ----------------------------------- Upon finally getting up courage and visiting a nudist camp. Mr. Littel was pleased to discover that the first day was the hardest ----------------------------------- A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. "Do you have reservations? " inquires the receptionist. "Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the ass." ----------------------------------- What do you call a blonde with pigtails? A blow job with handle bars ----------------------------------- What do you call a lesbian with 10 girlfriends? A bush-hog! ----------------------------------- Why is most American beer like making love in a canoe? Because they're both fuckin' close to water ----------------------------------- Wife: A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet ----------------------------------- Misconception: A pregnancy that begins while using birth control ----------------------------------- She was only a Bookbinder's daughter, but she knew her way between the sheets ----------------------------------- Mary: I've never met a man with such low self-esteem as his. He told me that his mother always called him her "little bastard." Jill: That's terrible! Certainly his parents were married! Mary: Uh, yeah, but not to each other! |
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06-10-2008, 02:23 AM
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#550 (permalink) |
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Super Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Dallas, TX
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Rep Power: 8572 |
When the shrew learned her husband had taken a mistress, she demanded, "Does this mean that you've had enough of me?" "No, my dear," he coolly replied. "It means that I haven't had enough of you."
--------------------------------- How are women like elevators? Only about half go down --------------------------------- What is good on pizza but bad on pussy? Crust --------------------------------- What is the leading cause in death with lesbians? Hair balls --------------------------------- What do blow jobs and flowers have in common? After the first year they are only given on special occasions --------------------------------- What did the Redneck do with his first 50 cent piece? He married her! --------------------------------- Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant --------------------------------- She was only an Archer's daughter, but to all the men she was the target |
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