07-02-2008, 05:19 PM
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#581 (permalink) |
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Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
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Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn? She woke up with a kernel between her legs
----------------------------------- The buxom soprano in the opera fainted and it required four men to carry her off the stage, two abreast ----------------------------------- There's a new book out that contains death notices of famous men and women. It's called Obituaries. The author is writing a sequel. It's called Son of Obituaries ----------------------------------- Rosey and Nina were sitting together sharing their morning coffee. Rosey said to Nina, "Living with my husband is like playing checkers." "How so?" asks Nina. Rosey replies, "Every time I make a move, he jumps me." ----------------------------------- Man on phone: "Say, I got a leak in my basement!" Plumber: "Well, go ahead; it's your basement!" ----------------------------------- The doctor was surprised to find old Mr. Jones sitting on the bed holding up his middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked over to the nurse who was taking his vitals. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "but why is Mr. Jones sitting like that?" The nurse replied, "I told him that you were going to want to examine his sexual organs." ----------------------------------- If the seven dwarfs had a cake cut into seven pieces, but with a single cherry in the center, which one would get the cherry? The one who got the first piece ----------------------------------- What is the most romantic thing you can say to someone in a gay bar? "May I move your stool?" ----------------------------------- What is the similarity between a rattlesnake and a limp penis? You don't screw with either one ----------------------------------- Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress ----------------------------------- Bachelor: A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony ----------------------------------- She was only a Corset model's daughter, and she bustled by day and hustled by night ----------------------------------- Confucius Says ... Woman who go to man's apartment for snack may get tit bit |
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07-02-2008, 05:23 PM
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#582 (permalink) |
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Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Dallas, TX
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"Look, lover boy, $120 means $120 -- I don't give a shit if that works out to $240 a minute."
------------------------------------------- Better get a good laugh at bikinis they're wearing these days, because the way things are going in a little while there won't be anything to laugh at! ------------------------------------------- Bill just found out that his wife is pregnant. He did the math, and according to her due date, Bill was out of town at the time of conception. He was amazed. He couldn't believe it. He will finally make it into the Guinness Book of World Records for impregnating his wife via phone sex! ------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the gay fellow whose partner of twelve years deserted him? He had been severely depressed for awhile, but he's now holding his own ------------------------------------------- A Hollywood starlet, who had been married three years without having a child, complained to her mother: "The big mistake I made was marrying a director instead of a producer!" ------------------------------------------- What is a gay masochist? A sucker for punishment ------------------------------------------- What do dirty old men buy Vaseline for? 79 cents, same as the rest of us ------------------------------------------- "I like to have a martini Two at the very most After three I'm under the table After four I'm under my host!" ------------------------------------------- Birth control pill: The other thing a woman can put in her mouth to keep from getting pregnant ------------------------------------------- A mooning is an ass in the pane ------------------------------------------- She was only a Cyclist's daughter, but she peddled it all over town ------------------------------------------- Confucius Says ... "Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night" |
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07-02-2008, 05:29 PM
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#583 (permalink) |
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Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Dallas, TX
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A prostitute is one for whom it's a business doing pleasure with her customers
------------------------------------------ A boy and girl were parked one dark summer night in Lovers Lane, when all of a sudden she said, "Oh, don't do that, or I'll go all to pieces!" He replied, "Go right ahead ... I've got my hand on the piece I want!" ------------------------------------------ "I'd sure like to get married, but I'm having trouble finding a husband" "I am married. And I'm having the same trouble." ------------------------------------------ "How many beers does it take to make you dizzy?" "About four or five, and don't call me dizzy." ------------------------------------------ You know you're getting old when you have to depend on Allegra by day and Viagra by night ------------------------------------------ What is the difference between medium and rare? Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare ------------------------------------------ What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? "Good morning girls." ------------------------------------------ Buggery is boring Incest is relatively boring Necrophilia is dead boring ------------------------------------------ A frigid female golf pro is an unpliable lay ------------------------------------------ Confucius Says ... Woman who springs on inner-spring this spring, gets off-spring next spring ------------------------------------------ She was only a Convict's daughter, but she sure knew all of the bars |
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07-04-2008, 07:49 PM
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#584 (permalink) |
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Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Fort Worth Texas
Posts: 1,108
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A husband returns home from work one night to discover that his wife
is missing. He spends the next two days looking for her, only to come home on the second night and find his spouse sitting in the kitchen, eating some pasta. "You're alive!" he cries. "Where have you been all this time?" "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week," she replies. "But you've only been gone two days" "Yeah, I'm just here to get something to eat then I'm going back".
__________________
Live long... love much... laugh often... |
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07-04-2008, 10:37 PM
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#586 (permalink) |
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Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
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The movie producer traveled all the way to Europe, but returned to Hollywood disappointed. He had contacted the beautiful Italian actress he'd been seeking, all right, but, unfortunately, she refused to come across
---------------------------------------- A young producer moving into lavish new offices had his interior decorator on the carpet because she'd forgotten to include a studio couch ---------------------------------------- A woman with a past attracts men who hope history will repeat itself ---------------------------------------- Your continual unfaithfulness proves you are an absolute rotter," stormed the outraged wife who had just caught her husband for the seventh time in a sportive romp with another woman. "Quite the contrary," came the cool reply. "It merely proves that I'm too good to be true." ---------------------------------------- Another form of contraception: Put stones in your shoes. It makes you limp ---------------------------------------- A sharp rap on the door startled the two lovers. "Quick, it's my husband," exclaimed the frightened woman. Jump out the window!" "But we're on the thirteenth floor!" the Casanova gasped. "Jump," cried the woman. "This is no time to be superstitious." ---------------------------------------- In the days of Queen Elizabeth I, some ladies-in-waiting liked to curl up with a good book, while others were satisfied with one of the pages ---------------------------------------- The snooty woman was approached on the dance floor by a man slightly her junior. "I'm sorry," she said in a superior tone, "but I couldn't dance with a child." "Oh, sorry," he said. "I didn't know your condition." ---------------------------------------- The new accounts director was dictating a note to her personal assistant. She paused, uncertain about the proper phrasing in the next sentence. "Do you 'retire a loan'?" she asked the young man. "Not when I can help it," he replied with a smile ---------------------------------------- Hairy breasts are the hirsute of pappiness ---------------------------------------- She was only a Cattleman's daughter, but she couldn't keep her calves together ---------------------------------------- Sometimes a woman attracts a man with her mind, but more often she attracts him with what she doesn't mind |
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07-04-2008, 10:45 PM
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#587 (permalink) |
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Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Dallas, TX
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A blonde walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
---------------------------------------- Passionate picnickers should bear in mind that some girls are like flowers - they grow wild in the woods ---------------------------------------- "Hey, wise guy," complained the mistress to her lover, "what's the big idea? You promised you'd take me to Florida!" "I said nothing of the sort," insisted her gentleman friend. "I merely commented that I was going to tamper with you." ---------------------------------------- "Darling," he breathed, after making love I doubt if I'll ever be able to get over you, so would you mind answering the phone?" ---------------------------------------- A world-traveling friend who has just returned from Tibet, informs us that in those parts a "coolie" is a quickie in the snow ---------------------------------------- In a recent discussion on world affairs, a friend observed the difference between war and peace is there has never been a good war ---------------------------------------- "My mother," said the young woman to her date, "says there are some things a girl should not do before twenty." "Your mother is right," said her boyfriend. "I don't like a large audience either." ---------------------------------------- There was a young lady named May Who was asked to make love in the hay She jumped at the chance And took off her pants She was tickled to try it that way! ---------------------------------------- Masturbate: To press the meat ---------------------------------------- She was only a Carpenter's daughter, but she knows every vise |
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07-04-2008, 10:50 PM
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#588 (permalink) |
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Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 237,006
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Girls who look good in the best places usually get taken there
-------------------------------------- Barbie walked into the living room the other day and caught her boyfriend, Ken, screwing her purse! Barbie said to him, "What are you doing?" "Well Barbie," explained Ken, "I've always wanted to come into money." -------------------------------------- The outraged husband discovered his wile in bed with another man. "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?" "That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over. "What is your name?" -------------------------------------- In the Middle Ages, people who committed adultery were stoned; today, it's often the other way around -------------------------------------- Verily, a man never knows whether he likes bathing beauties until he has bathed one -------------------------------------- Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat? They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you -------------------------------------- She was only a Coach's daughter, and she always made the team |
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07-08-2008, 06:07 PM
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#589 (permalink) |
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Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 237,006
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You never know how a girl will turn out until her folks turn in
---------------------------------- Pierre, a passionate masseur, was recently fired when he rubbed a female customer the wrong way ---------------------------------- Our wedding night was our first time to do it. Something obviously went wrong because my wife asked for a divorce the next morning. I guess she was jealous over my new computer because I heard her muttering something about microsoft ---------------------------------- "I think we should go Dutch," the nurse said to the doctor in the dimly lit restaurant. "You pay for dinner and the movie, and the rest of your night can be on me." ---------------------------------- The stork is too often held responsible for circumstances that might better be attributed to a lark ---------------------------------- Imagine the girl's surprise when she walked into the playboy's apartment and discovered he had no chairs, no tables, no bed, no furniture at all. She was floored! ---------------------------------- We just overheard a couple of our new interns discussing one of the more dashing members of our staff. "He dresses so well," said one. "And so quickly," replied her girlfriend ---------------------------------- Next to a beautiful girl, sleep is the most wonderful thing in the world ---------------------------------- Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage ---------------------------------- She was only a Church musician's daughter, and she loved to catch hymns by the organ ---------------------------------- Confucius Says ... Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face |
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