short but sweet ...

[squirt]

The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well, last night I found a new route. Now I need some birth control pills." The doc asked, "What's his occupation?" The girl said, "Army." "Active or retired?" "If he wasn't active, I wouldn't need these damn pills, would I?"

[squirt]

Just as he was leaving for work the man's wife, Sally, told her husband that there was a leak in the plumbing. He told her to call a plumber and have it fixed. When he got to the job, he parked the car and gave her a call on the cellphone. When Sally answered, he asked "Did the plumber come yet?" She replied., "No, not quite yet. I've got him breathing hard, shouldn't be long now!"

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A third grade school teacher is trying to explain to her class the difference between singular and plural. She says, "What is it if one woman looks out a window?" Little Maury replies, "Singular!" "Very good," says the teacher. "What is it if five women are looking out of a window?" Little Pauly raises his hand and says, "A brothel!"

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The farmer's neglected wife steps behind the barn and sees the young hired hand taking a piss. She stares in disbelief at his huge apparatus and says, Boy, I'd sure like to have some of THAT! He says, "Well, you'd best run and get you a cup. I'm 'bout through."

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A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor. The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common." The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."

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A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him. "Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?" "Only a little," she answered. "How much?" he asked. "Fifty dollars," she replied.

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Jim replies, "Sorry Bill, I have to go to the drug store To pick up a 'patch' subscription for my wife. She's Quitting smoking today." "Oh okay, well, good luck to her!" Bill said. "Yeah, well it is really lucky me," grinned Jim, "I Told her to let me know any time she has an urge to put Something in her mouth to suck on."

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Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, are lamenting their lack of a sex life. One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way thru a fence with its butt facing the tavern. One drunk says, "I wish that sheep was Jessica Simpson." The other says, "I just wish it was dark outside!"

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A grandfather went to visit his college-aged grandson at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway. "In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes." "But grandpa," replied the grandson, "that IS a whore's shoe!"

[squirt]

The husband was angry when he found out that his wife had been cheating on him.

He shouts at her, "I will play second fiddle to no one!"

The wife replies, "Second fiddle? With your little flute you are lucky you are still in the band!"

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You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered the suspect.
"And what did you steal?"
"A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject.
"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!"
"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But three times my wife didn't like the color."

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My brother dropped off his wife at the hairstylist and she was supposed to call him when she was ready to be picked-up. She must have dialed a wrong number, she reported later.

She called, and a man said, "Hello," to which she cheerfully said, "Come and get me!"

The man replied, "Are you sure? This is Mitchell's funeral home."

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Wife to Husband: If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral procession, you'll let my mother ride in the first car with you.

Husband: All right, but it will ruin my day.

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Bob: I love to drive to the seaside and the mountains with my girlfriend. What about you?

Dan: I love to drive my mother-in-law to the airport.

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Working as a court reporter, I hear to a lot of testimony that you won't hear on LAW AND ORDER, including the following give-and-take between the judge and a mother during a paternity suit.

Judge: "Was this child born out of wedlock?"

Mother: "No, sir, just outside of Louisville."

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A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam. She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. However, she has a little trouble parallel parking, and winds up a about a foot from the curb. "Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks.

The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner and asks, "OK, sir... Now what?"

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Take a good look at your paycheck stub sometime. There's one area there for what you get and eight different areas for what somebody else gets.

They shouldn't even call it "pay;" they should call it "leftovers."

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Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

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Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

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On a first date, guys usually take you to a movie where you sit in the dark staring at a screen, not speaking to each other. Makes perfect sense, it prepares you for marriage.

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Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.

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Sign in a suspenders factory: We specialize in hold-ups!

Sign on a bankrupt bakery: No dough today!

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"May I try on that lingerie in the window?" the gorgeous young woman asks the manager of the designer boutique.

"Go ahead," the manager replies, "maybe it'll attract some business."

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Quote of the Day: "Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me."

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The travelin' Texan picked up a sweet young thang in a bar and after several rounds, ordered the biggest steaks they had. Later, they retired to his room, naturally the largest in the hotel. As they undressed, he said, "I'm from Fort Worth, Texas, and we have the biggest of everything." The girl only nodded and smiled. As they began to make love, he exclaimed, "Golleeeee, lil' Lady! What part of Texas y'all from?"

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At one ad agency, a guy in production was fired when they discovered he was The Xerox Flasher. Every morning, he xeroxed his privates, made copies & left them in the secretaries desks. The boss said "Hell, he's the only person in the building who isn't guilty of false advertising!" His secretary said "Well, not exactly." He said "Oh God! Don't tell me!" She said "Yes, sir. He was using the enlarger."

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Maurie was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was. "It's the wife" said Maurie. " As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week". "Well you should think yourself lucky" said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"

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A scruffy young man was questioned by one of New York's finest for peddling dirty pictures. "But you're mistaken," said the kid. "These pictures aren't dirty." Selecting one, the policeman said, "Do you mean to tell me this isn't a dirty picture?" The young man responded, "Don't be such a prude, officer! Haven't you ever seen five people in love?"

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Expectant Fathers speaking in the maternity waiting room: "This is my first baby." "This is our seventh." "Well, gee, maybe you can answer a question for me. How soon after my wife has the baby can she and I, uh-, you know what I mean. Have sex?" "It all depends on whether or not she is in a private room."