short but sweet ...

[squirt]

My ex came into the bedroom one night holding a jalapeno pepper in his hand. I asked him why he would bring pepper to our bedroom? He told me that we needed to spice up our love life!

***********************

A man was talking to a woman in a bar. "I have a 10 inch cock," he boasted. "Well," she answered, "I find that hard to swallow."

***********************

A woman was walking along pushing her new born baby in its pram when she was approached by an old friend. The woman leaned over, peered into the pram and said: "What a beautiful baby boy, he looks just like his father." "I know," replied the woman, "I just wish he looked more like my husband!"

***********************

I think we should go dutch," a woman said to her date. "You pay for dinner and the movie, and the rest of your night can be on me."

***********************

Why did Eliot Spitzer, the former governor of New York, spend $80,000 on escorts?
Because his wife was a Spitzer but he wanted a swallower

***********************

Why was Bill Clinton so upset during the primary season?
If he had known 10 years ago how good Hillary would be at blowing the presidency, he wouldn't have needed Monica

***********************

***********************

On the brains old Joe Zombie does nosh,
Which makes ghouls of the sluts; oh my gosh!
Joe thinks it is cool
To dine on a ghoul
It's his favorite dish ... of ghoulash

***********************

While he eats, in his eyes there are gleams.
He's content, and his smile really beams.
There's no ifs, ands, or buts;
It's for sure that the sluts
For the zombie are ghouls of his dreams

***********************

Joe's first love, he's never forgotten
When he lost her, he felt woebegotten
'Twas the love of his life
When she left, he felt strife
Why he'd love her? 'Cause she was so rotten

***********************

Oral sex: Something you need like a head in the hole

***********************

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini

***********************

She was only a Meter-Reader' s Daughter but she liked a copper in her slot

[squirt]

What's the worst thing about growing unemployment?
It gets harder to screw your mistress with her husband home all the time

----------------------------

If I have sex with my clone, is that incest, homosexuality or masturbation?

----------------------------

Darling," a wife told her husband, "I'm having an affair!" "Great," he said. "Will it be catered?"

----------------------------

My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week," a man told his friend. "Why is that?" the friend asked. "Because," the man replied, "I'm playing around with his wife."

----------------------------

Why does every man want a son?
Because with a boy you have to worry about only one penis, but with a girl you have to worry about all of them

----------------------------

What's the major difference between wives and husbands who are trying to have children?
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child. Husbands want to tape the conception

----------------------------

Cockpit: A vagina

----------------------------

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been boarded more times than Amtrak

----------------------------

She was only a Hunter's daughter, and she sure fair game for all the bigshots

[squirt]

A young man thought Maryjane was a laxative. He smoked it compulsively for two days without relief of his constipation until his roommate, tired of the malodor, told him to either shit or get off the pot

**********************

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it

**********************

When the guys laugh at me for volunteering at the women's mental health clinic I just shrug it off. But when they tell me I'm f**kin' nuts, I have to smile, because then I know they understand

**********************

Did ya hear about the new 'time-release' Viagra?
Ya take it at night, and it gets ya up in the morning

**********************

A Vicar books into a hotel and says to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled!" Receptionist says, "No it's just ordinary porn, you sick pervert!"

**********************

What is the difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker?
A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari

**********************

If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it

**********************

How fast are you going when you do 69?
Lickety-split

**********************

Today he is feeling such lust
He knows very soon that he must
See if wife's in the mood
He'll suggest something lewd
And hope that his wife gets his thrust

**********************

Necrophilia: The uncontrollable urge to crack a cold one

**********************

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's done more screwing than Black and Decker

[squirt]

A suspected jihadist was being grilled at Guantánamo Bay. "Honest, officer," he said, "I'm not a suicide bomber!" "We heard what you said," the officer replied. "We've got you on tape." "I didn't say I wanted to blow myself up so I could have sex with 72 virgins," the suspect said. "All I said was I'm dying to get laid."

--------------------------

The gentleman walked briskly into the drug store, strode over to the pharmacist and said, "I would like a box of Sex-Lax." The pharmacist smiled and replied, "You must mean Ex-Lax." "No," the man responded, "I don't have any trouble going."

[squirt]

The two ladies were discussing a news article concerning gasoline fumes causing impotence in the male. "Aren't you worried about your husband's new job at the gas station? Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil." "Doesn't matter." giggled the other lady. "He doesn't do all my writing anyway."

[squirt]

"Rim Shot"
Insurance: Paying for catastrophes on the installment plan

--------------------------------------

Yesterday in Washington, the Secret Service arrested a man who climbed over the White House fence. The Secret Service told the man, 'Get back here, Mr. President, you have two more months.'"

--------------------------------------

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact." "Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."

--------------------------------------

It was at the office party. As they lay on the office reception couch in the darkened room, their breath came hot and fast. "Oh, Melvin, oh Melvin," she said passionately, "You've never made love to me like this before. Is it because of the holiday spirit?" "No," he panted. "It is probably because I am not Melvin!"

[squirt]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time." She said, "You have the biggest dick of all your friends!"

[squirt]

One night an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor 'assisted living apartment', killing him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defence. She began coolly 'Yes your honour I figured that at 92 if he could f**k ... He could fly.'

[squirt]

A really drunk man was walking along the street one day. He was staggering quite a bit, and made two nuns that were approaching him very nervous. The two nuns split apart - one walked to the man's left and one walked to the man's right. After the nuns were past the man, he turned around and said, "Now how in the hell did she do that?"

[squirt]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"