short but sweet ... - Page 84

**squirt** · 06-24-2009, 10:51 PM

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush

**squirt** · 06-29-2009, 06:40 PM

The perky bride returned home with an ultra-Mod, clear-plastic minidress and held it up for her stodgy husband's approval. "Why, you can see right through it," the astonished husband gasped. "No you can't, silly," she answered. "Not when I'm in it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?" he asked. "Well," she said, thoughtfully, "I've always eaten moderately, worked hard, I don't smoke or drink and I keep good hours." "Have you ever been bedridden?" the reporter asked. "Well, sure," said the elderly lady, "but don't put that in your paper."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The best dressed woman at a recent society ball was the lovely Miss Agnes S. Stevens, whose gown was cut so low in back it revealed her initials.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll ever be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the pnone?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The coed cutie returned to the sorority house after her first breakfast date at a neighboring fraternity with her steady boyfriend. Asked what she had, she replied dreamily, "Him and eggs."

**squirt** · 06-29-2009, 08:30 PM

There was a large revival meeting on the outskirts of town, and at the appropriate corner there was a large sign proclaiming, "If you are weary of sin and want to be saved, turn here, go 100 yards, and come into the revival tent." Below the sign someone had hung another smaller one, "If NOT weary, call Sherry at 555-3550."

**squirt** · 07-02-2009, 10:26 PM

PERSONAL ADS THAT WERE NEVER ANSWERED

SWM: Roommate needed for six-bedroom north side condo
$800/ month plus 1/2 utilities. Must enjoy garlic
taxidermy & clock repair

SWF: Seeks any M, age 16-52
for immediate marriage
Willing to beg. Call 24/hours,
7/days 1-800-I'm-4you

SWM: 39, enjoys assault rifles
heavy drinking, and testosterone
Seeks like-minded SF, W only
to listen to political conspiracy theories
and help stock secluded mountain shelter
Don't bother to write, I already know where you live

SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance
herb tea, New Age music, Silversmithing
Communing with Gaian nature spirits
and Jello sculpting
Seeks aloof, analytic whimp

SWM: 59, wide range of interests including
Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica
Power Rangers, and Sea Quest
ISO compatible F

SM: Seeking an adventurous SF Interested
in underwater bondage with or w/o scuba gear
And albino livestock breeding
No weirdos please

SBM: Vegetarian Truck-driving Republican juggler
Wishes to meet woman of similar interests
Must be ambidextrous

DWF: Crazy ppl Need Love Too
If you enjoy destroying good furniture
Police lineups and locking your friends in closets
we already have three things in common!
Let's get together

DWM: Compulsive Liar seeks beautiful woman
to share my million dollar Riviera chateau
Visa Gold Card a must
Private plane a plus

**squirt** · 07-04-2009, 12:15 AM

For the longest time I didn't wear no underwear. It used to drive my boyfriend Ernie absolutely batty, that I didn't wear no underwear. One day I caught a terrible cold, Ernie said to me, "Soph, you've got to go see the doctor." I said, "All right, make an appointment for me." So he rang up the doctor, but unbeknownst to me this is what he told the doctor: "Doc, I'm sending Soph over. She's got a terrible cold, but that ain't the problem. The problem is she don't wear no underwear. That's the reason she got this cold, is on account she don't wear no underwear--got that?" "Right oh," said the doctor. So I, like a schmuck, trot on down to the doctor's office. Doctor says, "Soph, open up your mouth and say 'ahh'". I opened my mouth I said 'ahh'. He looked down my throat and said, "Soph, you ain't wearing no underwear." I said, "I beg your pardon, doctor." He said to me, "Soph you ain't wearing no underwear." I said, "Doc, you can look down my throat and see I ain't wearing no underwear?" He said, "That's right Soph." I said to him, "Doc, do me a favor, look up my ass and tell me if my hat's on straight!"

**squirt** · 07-06-2009, 03:44 PM

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one, when the teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

**squirt** · 07-08-2009, 09:10 PM

A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all. Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock . The guy drops his pants and starts. True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.. 84.. 85.. but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97.. 98.. 99.. and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies. The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I don't understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!"

**squirt** · 07-11-2009, 07:15 PM

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm. Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?" Little boy: "What the f*ck do you think?"

**squirt** · 07-11-2009, 07:19 PM

Wife: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to come in your mind?
Husband: that you are a lesbian

**squirt** · 07-11-2009, 08:18 PM

A young honeymoon couple was touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" "Yes, on rare occasions," answered the handler. "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?" "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound." "What, uh ... what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman. "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."

07-02-2009, 10:26 PM	#834 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 352,444 Rep Power: 8383	didn't know where else to put these so I brought them here lol PERSONAL ADS THAT WERE NEVER ANSWERED SWM: Roommate needed for six-bedroom north side condo $800/ month plus 1/2 utilities. Must enjoy garlic taxidermy & clock repair SWF: Seeks any M, age 16-52 for immediate marriage Willing to beg. Call 24/hours, 7/days 1-800-I'm-4you SWM: 39, enjoys assault rifles heavy drinking, and testosterone Seeks like-minded SF, W only to listen to political conspiracy theories and help stock secluded mountain shelter Don't bother to write, I already know where you live SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance herb tea, New Age music, Silversmithing Communing with Gaian nature spirits and Jello sculpting Seeks aloof, analytic whimp SWM: 59, wide range of interests including Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica Power Rangers, and Sea Quest ISO compatible F SM: Seeking an adventurous SF Interested in underwater bondage with or w/o scuba gear And albino livestock breeding No weirdos please SBM: Vegetarian Truck-driving Republican juggler Wishes to meet woman of similar interests Must be ambidextrous DWF: Crazy ppl Need Love Too If you enjoy destroying good furniture Police lineups and locking your friends in closets we already have three things in common! Let's get together DWM: Compulsive Liar seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollar Riviera chateau Visa Gold Card a must Private plane a plus

Jokeroo

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06-24-2009, 10:51 PM	#831 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 352,444 Rep Power: 8383	Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger? Wife says: I clean the toilet Husband says: How does that help? Wife says: I use your Toothbrush

06-29-2009, 06:40 PM	#832 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 352,444 Rep Power: 8383	The perky bride returned home with an ultra-Mod, clear-plastic minidress and held it up for her stodgy husband's approval. "Why, you can see right through it," the astonished husband gasped. "No you can't, silly," she answered. "Not when I'm in it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?" he asked. "Well," she said, thoughtfully, "I've always eaten moderately, worked hard, I don't smoke or drink and I keep good hours." "Have you ever been bedridden?" the reporter asked. "Well, sure," said the elderly lady, "but don't put that in your paper." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The best dressed woman at a recent society ball was the lovely Miss Agnes S. Stevens, whose gown was cut so low in back it revealed her initials. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll ever be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the pnone?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The coed cutie returned to the sorority house after her first breakfast date at a neighboring fraternity with her steady boyfriend. Asked what she had, she replied dreamily, "Him and eggs."

06-29-2009, 08:30 PM	#833 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 352,444 Rep Power: 8383	There was a large revival meeting on the outskirts of town, and at the appropriate corner there was a large sign proclaiming, "If you are weary of sin and want to be saved, turn here, go 100 yards, and come into the revival tent." Below the sign someone had hung another smaller one, "If NOT weary, call Sherry at 555-3550."

07-04-2009, 12:15 AM	#835 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 352,444 Rep Power: 8383	For the longest time I didn't wear no underwear. It used to drive my boyfriend Ernie absolutely batty, that I didn't wear no underwear. One day I caught a terrible cold, Ernie said to me, "Soph, you've got to go see the doctor." I said, "All right, make an appointment for me." So he rang up the doctor, but unbeknownst to me this is what he told the doctor: "Doc, I'm sending Soph over. She's got a terrible cold, but that ain't the problem. The problem is she don't wear no underwear. That's the reason she got this cold, is on account she don't wear no underwear--got that?" "Right oh," said the doctor. So I, like a schmuck, trot on down to the doctor's office. Doctor says, "Soph, open up your mouth and say 'ahh'". I opened my mouth I said 'ahh'. He looked down my throat and said, "Soph, you ain't wearing no underwear." I said, "I beg your pardon, doctor." He said to me, "Soph you ain't wearing no underwear." I said, "Doc, you can look down my throat and see I ain't wearing no underwear?" He said, "That's right Soph." I said to him, "Doc, do me a favor, look up my ass and tell me if my hat's on straight!"

07-06-2009, 03:44 PM	#836 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 352,444 Rep Power: 8383	Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one, when the teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

07-08-2009, 09:10 PM	#837 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 352,444 Rep Power: 8383	A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all. Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock . The guy drops his pants and starts. True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.. 84.. 85.. but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97.. 98.. 99.. and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies. The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I don't understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!"

07-11-2009, 07:15 PM	#838 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 352,444 Rep Power: 8383	A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm. Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?" Little boy: "What the f*ck do you think?"

07-11-2009, 07:19 PM	#839 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 352,444 Rep Power: 8383	Wife: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to come in your mind? Husband: that you are a lesbian

07-11-2009, 08:18 PM	#840 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 352,444 Rep Power: 8383	A young honeymoon couple was touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" "Yes, on rare occasions," answered the handler. "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?" "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound." "What, uh ... what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman. "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."