short but sweet ...

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Terms To Know

TRAFFIC LIGHT
Apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

DIVORCE
Postgraduate in School of Love.

PIONEER
Early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

PEOPLE
Some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.

SWIMMING POOL
A mob of people with water in it.

SELF-CONTROL
The ability to eat only one peanut.

SALESMAN
Man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.

CANNIBAL
Person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC
A person who believes he is everything you know you are.

FOREIGN FILM
Any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.

OPTIMIST
Girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

MAGAZINE
Bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

COLLEGE
The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS
Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA
When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET
A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."

[konifur2]

brilliant

but may i point out two mistakes....

1# PIONEER....the first ever baker who made the first ever pie put it in the window sill to cool down a bit, when she went back it was gone,she stood outside and shouted while pointing to the window sill," where is my pie, i left my PIONEER!"

GROAN

2# SWIMMING POOL
A mob of people with 60%water and 40% urine in it.

[squirt]

thank you SO much for the corrections! lol

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A guy comes home from work one day and finds his wife riding another man's dick furiously. "What the f*ck are you doing?" he screams. His wife looks over her shoulder and says to the other guy, "See, I told you he was stupid."

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On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer, while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man. One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Kentucky man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls his Tennessee neighbor. "There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest." "How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Tennessee farmer asked. "Well," the Kentucky man replied, "he's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped."

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Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other, "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat." Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. "My dear Mr. Wilson," she gushed, "fancy meeting you here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired!" The sedate gent looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Mary, my girl. It isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see whether or not she can get your husband out of jail, and also to try to find the father of your baby."

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A bear, a lion and a pig meet in the forest. The bear said, "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear." The Lion said, "If I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire Savannah is shivering with fear." The pig said, "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits itself."

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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her. He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home. He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieve the bowl. Lo and behold The bowl is full of butter ...

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A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby. "Look at the size of his pecker," says the man. "It's massive!"

"Yes dear," says the wife. "But at least he's got your ears."

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Q. How do we know the Cinderella story was written by a woman?
A. Because if it was written by a guy, the prince woulda f**ked her till 12 and then she would have turned into a pizza.

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When I was in the fifth grade I was taught sex ed by a 65-year-old nun, which is kind of like taking barbecue lessons from a vegetarian. Either way, there's been very limited experience handling meat.

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When the waitress came to work, the manager met her at the door. "Look," he said, "I want you to put on your cutest uniform, fix your hair lovely, see that your makeup is on neat and walk with that extra-sexy walk." "Something special on?" she asked. "No," he replied, "The beef is tough."

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An elderly couple, Barbara and Nate, sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night. "You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said. "Disgusting, " said Barbara. "It was revolting," Nate added. "Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks. "We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," Barbara replied, "We had to find my panties and his teeth were in them.