100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Guy

[Pixsurguy]

100 REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY

(Original from Maxim Magazine, but revised here to reflect a small part of reality)

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat (unless you’re talking sports).
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female (and it almost always has artistic merit).
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase (and no fresh underwear).
5. Monday Night Football and the cheerleaders.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives (they’ll brag about it, real or imagined).
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter (and the bathrooms are 90% nastier).
8. You can open all your own jars (at least you could if you had anything in the kitchen other than beer and microwave popcorn).
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight (unless they can use the fact to stick it in you).
10. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind (but cute waitresses do so with depressing regularity).
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying (but hold the phone if there is a shot of T&A).
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview (modesty prohibits a smart-assed comment here).
13. All your orgasms are real (all one of them).
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex (merely absurd).
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go (unless you think you’re an “executive”, in which case your brief case will have a boatload of junk in it).
17. You understand why the Three Stooges are funny (but you wouldn’t admit it in public).
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group (and without either hitting the target consistently or washing your hands).
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade (just like you leave your bed at home).
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you (only the rat-bastard who did the criticizing).
22. You can kill your own food (but haven’t a clue how to cook it).
23. The garage is all yours (and it’s obvious that it is yours).
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness (given the rarity of the event).
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow (or cares even if you do).
27. You never have to clean the toilet (though for God’s sake you ought to, since you are the dude with the spray attachment).
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes (but forget to wear socks with your tuxedo).
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation (pigs in rut seldom worry).
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves (somebody would marry YOU?)
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack (which means you can keep your expenses down to around Ten Bucks a decade).
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck, but you probably ought to get somebody to shave your back.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow (but probably not spell it correctly).
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest - and often do!
40. Everything on your face stays its original color (red).
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat (easy, when in a drunken stupor).
44. Flowers fix everything for her and a six pack of beer will make you forget any insult.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings and don’t.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours (not that it will get you any).
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park (yeah, you know, that same one you have worn to work for the last two weeks).
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough (and the odor makes them interchangeable).
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day (so you can shade your shoes with your belly directly, instead of through cotton).
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by (nor on any other occasion, unless you can’t find your bed).
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth (at least that is your claim).
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut, but you sure hope they notice your great chest).
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me. (actually, we could have stopped the sentence at the word “thinking”).
60. The world is your urinal (when you aren’t using your underwear).
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you (mainly because you don’t know what “innocuous” means).
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff (and other players’ butts, too).
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area (neither does soap).
64. One mood, all the time (immature).
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too ucky.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle (and not one appropriate way to dispose of it when it is empty).
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Less work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character (as do beer guts and baldness).
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment (nor even pretend that you are doing something else, despite being on national television at the time).
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100 (but same old pair of “lucky” athletic shoes).
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory (and you are more than willing to give it your best shot).
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties kick ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother (at least as long as she’ll keep doing your laundry).
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom (to throw up).
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed (because you’ll be the same moron you always were).
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man (tho in most cases it happened at about age 16).
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*** it!"
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies (imagine - two suave and debonair types wearing identical Grateful Dead T-shirts).
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected (and we’ll be merciful and not dwell on your other frequent reductions of internal pressure).
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood (unless it’s another one of those times when you can’t get it up).
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. (No additional comments are required.)
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind (yeah, sure, your “mind”).
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries (thank God, because you sure couldn’t do it).
97. Not liking a person does not eliminate having great sex with them (no matter what their species).
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.