10 ways to treat a penis ...

[squirt]

1.) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e., "Hi! I'm Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy!" Don't dive on it likes it's a raw piece of meat and you're a starving pitbull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends first.

2.) When (Not "IF") giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive "guy" ya know. Be gentle. Contrary to your practicing techniques in high school, the one who "Melts" the popsicle first is not the winner.

3.) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or back. Up and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for that action. And, VERY Important. When going up and down, if you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf ball ... your aim is not that good, and your are more than 100 lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis.

4.) Hand jobs: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms, and remember friction is the problem ... lubrication, the cure.

5.) Proper care of the love tool: like any good tool you wanna keep around for a while you've gotta take good care of it just as you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll get years of use out of him that way.

6.) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or stupid. That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you!

7.) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or a nude Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing chess at the Naturalist beach last July.

8.) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.

9.) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that you had that effect on him ... not everyone can have that effect on him.

10.) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit! Not that deep! What are you doing ... drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow you're much bigger Than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?"

And never, never ask, "Is it in?"

[mountainlion20032003]

Originally Posted by squirt

1.) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e., "Hi! I'm Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy!" Don't dive on it likes it's a raw piece of meat and you're a starving pitbull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends first.

2.) When (Not "IF") giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive "guy" ya know. Be gentle. Contrary to your practicing techniques in high school, the one who "Melts" the popsicle first is not the winner.

3.) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or back. Up and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for that action. And, VERY Important. When going up and down, if you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf ball ... your aim is not that good, and your are more than 100 lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis.

4.) Hand jobs: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms, and remember friction is the problem ... lubrication, the cure.

5.) Proper care of the love tool: like any good tool you wanna keep around for a while you've gotta take good care of it just as you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll get years of use out of him that way.

6.) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or stupid. That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you!

7.) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or a nude Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing chess at the Naturalist beach last July.

8.) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.

9.) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that you had that effect on him ... not everyone can have that effect on him.

10.) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit! Not that deep! What are you doing ... drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow you're much bigger Than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?"

And never, never ask, "Is it in?"

ROFLMAO! Guess that would work!

[druid627]

This should be drummed into every female's head from menarche until they understand it....Thanks darlin' this was almost as wonderful as you...*kisses!!!*

[squirt]

Originally Posted by mountainlion20032003

ROFLMAO! Guess that would work!

ya think? lol

[squirt]

Originally Posted by druid627

This should be drummed into every female's head from menarche until they understand it....Thanks darlin' this was almost as wonderful as you...*kisses!!!*

awwwwwwwwwww ... Mr Penis gives us ladies such great joy, it's only right that we learn how to take care of him! lol *kisses!!!*

[druid627]

Originally Posted by squirt

awwwwwwwwwww ... Mr Penis gives us ladies such great joy, it's only right that we learn how to take care of him! lol *kisses!!!*

I wish it was the case that tthey would...I've known some.....

[squirt]

Originally Posted by druid627

I wish it was the case that tthey would...I've known some.....

I have been accused of being too careful with him lol but I'm thinking now that was a good thing lol

[druid627]

Originally Posted by squirt

I have been accused of being too careful with him lol but I'm thinking now that was a good thing lol

well better to err on the side of caution...he can take a bit of abuse,but he'd rather take a licking and keep on ticking...

[squirt]

Originally Posted by druid627

well better to err on the side of caution...he can take a bit of abuse,but he'd rather take a licking and keep on ticking...

I'd rather give him a lickin' so he can keep on stickin' lol

[Country17]

What a wonderful set of ten commandments Squirt!!! Spread the word! lol