Dear soon-to-be husband,
I thank you whole-heartedly for considering me to be
your future wife.
We have a very bright future ahead of us, and it can
be even brighter if you take note to a few things that
are a part of what makes a marriage between a man and
a woman work and become successful. Please take the
time to read over the conditions below that I have
set-forth for you.
1. I will not do any dishes by hand, if you expect me
to do dishes, either hire a maid or buy a dishwasher.
You can locate one at any appliance store between $200
2. I will not wash your laundry in the bathtub while
you work over-time to save up for a washer. I will not
pack wet clothes into a laundry basket and tote it to
any clothes line. I must have a working washer
and dryer to do laundry. If you expect me to pack our
dirty laundry into my vehicle and take it to a public
Laundromat, you can do it yourself....3 towns away
where no one knows us.
3. I will not get on my hands and knees to scrub any
floors. I must have a Swiffer mop and Swiffer broom
if you expect to have clean floors. That manual stuff
is for the birds...or you can again, hire a maid.
4. I will not clean up after your friends at anytime
during our marriage. If they make a mess be it puke,
piss or simply leaving their glass on the coffee
table....it's your responsibility and not mine!
5. I will not entertain your folks while you skip out
on me. If your folks come over for the day or the
weekend, I expect you to give me the Neiman Marcus
card and JC Penny card so that I may go on an all day
shopping venture or at least the Master Card so that I
can rent a room in the town's finest hotel. There is
no way I am doing your job for you!
6. I will not take out the trash. If you won't do it,
look forward to repairing the garbage disposal in the
sink because that is where the tv remote, your cell
phone, your car keys, and your baseball cards will go
if I EVER have to ask you to take out the trash more
7. I am not about to stoop over and pick up your
clothing from the floor. If you leave your clothes on
the floor and they are not placed in the laundry
hamper, I will politely donate them to the Good Will
or to some other agency...I don't care if you did drive
to one hundred different stores to find your favorite
8. I will not tolerate your neglect to flush after you
use the bathroom. I don't like sitting on a pissy
toilet seat or having dirty water splashing up on my
ass so if you want to avoid me taking a piss on
you...you'll flush! Plain and simple!
9. You are responsible for paying 70% of the bills. I
pay less because society, after all these years, is
still critical of a woman in the workplace, therefore
you make more then me. Every time you get a raise,
you get another bill.
10. Sex is something that we should both enjoy.
Therefore when I say I don't feel like it, don't ask
me again later. For every time you ask me for sex,
after I have told you once that I don't feel like it,
is another day you don't get any. If I ask you for
sex and you put me off, your friend gets it and you
still don't get any.
Your soon-to-be Wife