Diary of Wife's 50TH Birthday Present

jms_mlr · 09-11-2005, 11:06 AM

Dear Diary...

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club
for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my
high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to
go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my
reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who
identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased
with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep
a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce
waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me
a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five
minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so
fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra
aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he
conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into
the air -then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly
on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding
smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new
life for me.

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long
as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the
club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too
perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this
nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on
the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell
would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as
his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my
shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not
looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find
me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I
sank.

Friday:
I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body
I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
&*@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and
graduated magna cum laude from. The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have
been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing
him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I
lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&& Weather Channel.

Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
next year my husband (the jerk!) will choose a gift for me that
is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy

jms_mlr · 09-11-2005, 10:31 PM

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 50th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 50 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f**k your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

arella · 09-11-2005, 10:50 PM

OMFG!!!! Thats soooooooooooooooo funny!!! Lmfao

jms_mlr · 10-10-2005, 07:51 AM

An elderly couple is laying in bed after a party to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Some of guests at the party are sleeping over in the same house.
Says the husband to his wife, "Remember, honey, 50 years ago, on our wedding night? I even cut my finger so that everyone thought you were still a virgin!"

She responds, "And what? Do you want me to blow my nose in the bed sheets so that everyone will think you're still able to get it up?"

jms_mlr · 12-31-2005, 06:52 PM

On their 50th wedding anniversary an old couple decide to spice up their sex
life with a Kama Sutra handbook they picked up at a local News Agency.

They looked astonishingly at the various positions contained therein.

One in particular showed a couple seated opposite one another, naked and
with their legs spread apart.

The man was to try to roll marbles between the woman's legs and she was to try
to throw plastic hoop-la-hoops around his private.

The old woman and man smiled at one another "This is it!"

They giggled.

The old man said "Ok.. I'll go get the bowling ball."

The old woman said "Ok.. I'll take off my wedding ring."

09-11-2005, 11:06 AM	#1 (permalink)
jms_mlr x Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 3,151 Rep Power: 308	Diary of Wife's 50TH Birthday Present Dear Diary... For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too. Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank. Friday: I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &@#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&& Weather Channel. Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the jerk!) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy

09-11-2005, 10:50 PM	#3 (permalink)
arella Jokaroo VIP Status Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Ah...rella like cinderella Posts: 127,613 Rep Power: 5911	OMFG!!!! Thats soooooooooooooooo funny!!! Lmfao __________________

Jokeroo

My Account

Help & Info

09-11-2005, 10:31 PM	#2 (permalink)
jms_mlr x Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 3,151 Rep Power: 308	A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 50th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 50 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f**k your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

10-10-2005, 07:51 AM	#4 (permalink)
jms_mlr x Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 3,151 Rep Power: 308	An elderly couple is laying in bed after a party to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Some of guests at the party are sleeping over in the same house. Says the husband to his wife, "Remember, honey, 50 years ago, on our wedding night? I even cut my finger so that everyone thought you were still a virgin!" She responds, "And what? Do you want me to blow my nose in the bed sheets so that everyone will think you're still able to get it up?"

12-31-2005, 06:52 PM	#5 (permalink)
jms_mlr x Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 3,151 Rep Power: 308	On their 50th wedding anniversary an old couple decide to spice up their sex life with a Kama Sutra handbook they picked up at a local News Agency. They looked astonishingly at the various positions contained therein. One in particular showed a couple seated opposite one another, naked and with their legs spread apart. The man was to try to roll marbles between the woman's legs and she was to try to throw plastic hoop-la-hoops around his private. The old woman and man smiled at one another "This is it!" They giggled. The old man said "Ok.. I'll go get the bowling ball." The old woman said "Ok.. I'll take off my wedding ring."