christmas hunting tips for men.

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Christmas Hunting Tips for Men

[Every year in December, comes a time that strikes fear into the heart
of every husband and father: Christmas shopping. Men are by nature
conquerors, and the shopping experience of many is the same as visiting
an art gallery, museum, or sight-seeing. There is nothing to do, no
sense of accomplishment, and no trophies. The stress we must endure is
as high as when I first proposed marriage to my wife, only I get to live
through it again every year. Through deep analysis, I have decided that
the problem is one of attitude - how you approach the situation. Instead
of "Christmas shopping", I call it "Christmas hunting". Instead of
gathering presents, I "hunt and kill" them. Here is how it works…]

The Prey
In order to hunt something, you must have a prey, something to hunt.
With a normal hunting expedition, this would be deer, rabbits, ducks,
geese, etc. Even when you go fishing, there is something to catch, kill,
dress, and eat. At Christmas time, the prey is the GIFT. The nature of
the GIFT is what determines the hunt. If, for example, you decided to go
Buffalo hunting, you would make all the necessary preparations - special
permits, gun, travel plans, etc. Bagging a GIFT is the same. The GIFT
must be something personal that only she can use. Although she may need
a new kitchen appliance such as a blender, for every kitchen appliance
bought, you must spend at least double to ten times that amount
additional for her personal GIFT. Just as a fish is different from a
duck, GIFTS come in various forms, from jewelry to clothing to
knickknacks. Impracticality is the rule here. In order to understand the
nature of the prey, you must do some homework. This may involve actually
looking or listening to your wife. Find out what ‘who knows where they
came from’ earrings she is wearing. She will often give you hints that
you are supposed to hear and understand. It may come in the form of "I
wish", or "it would be nice if . . .", such as "I wish I had a watch to
match my shoes", or it may be that page from the department store
catalogue that she wrapped your sandwich in. Look for the item circled
in red. Pay attention during some of those ordeals you are made to
endure with her when you hold her purse as she moves clothing on a
display rack in a department store. See what catches her eye. Another
source is the television shopping channel. Stop for a few more seconds
and take note of what they are pedaling. This part of the process can be
related to when you learn about the best fishing lakes, hunting forests,
etc.

The Weapon
The biggest problem with the Christmas Hunt is the weapon. In order to
"kill" your prey, the GIFT, you must use a paper or plastic weapon. A
check book or credit card just don't look as ominous as a 12-gauge
shotgun. There is nothing to wield. When you go fishing there is the
pole, hunting has its gun, and even when you are golfing, you have a
club to carry. Merchants frown on customers bringing and carrying
firearms around in their stores. I have yet to find a suitable
substitute. If the problem is acute, finding and carrying around a
pole-like device (spear) may do. This may be in the form of a shower
rod, mop handle, or umbrella. A coffee cup or beer mug may also suffice
if you don't mind carrying one around a store, as this is similar to the
scabbard on a sword. Some stores have large plastic candy canes filled
with candy or bath oil beads that could substitute for the weapon. This
may help you during your hunt for the GIFT. You don't have to purchase,
just borrow it for a while until the real game has been tracked and
bagged. There has yet to be invented a weapon- shaped object that would
appeal to women.

The License
If you can walk in the store, you have a license to hunt there. Your
driver's license, or whatever identification you use to get beer and
tobacco products can be used for the Christmas hunt. This will be
displayed to the game warden (store clerk) when the weapon (credit card
or personal check) is used to get the GIFT. The prey may then be dressed
(gift wrapped) or put in a bag for protection. The receipt compares to
the deer or duck stamp. Unless you have a lot of experience wrapping
things, this is best left to the professionals in order to be more
attractive when it is presented to your wife. Your limit is determined
by the balance left in your account.

The Site
Just as you would not hunt deer in the middle of a lake, where you go
depends on the prey you are hunting. Hunters and gatherers have always
shared space. The same field used for getting plants has been the
roaming place for pheasants. In the forest where berries are found, the
deer and elk roam. In order to get the GIFT, you must go alone into the
dark, scary forest called "The Mall". If this is too drastic, a
"Department Store" may help ease you into the experience. At each
entrance of a Mall, there is a totem called a "kiosk". This will help
narrow down the hunt. The various stores are listed by item sold, so you
can proceed directly to the quarry, avoiding the quick-sand and cliffs.
Each store in a mall is divided as are department stores into
specialized areas. Just as some fish like deep water, and others prefer
shallow, the items sold there are separated as to type and size. There
is usually an extra area designated for jewelry or electronic devices
and cameras. Signs on or near the ceilings can lead you to the proper
area.

Rules and Regulations
Getting a personal GIFT for your wife has specific rules, like a size
limit on a fish caught in a lake. Here are some that will help keep you
out of trouble:
(1) Buy her something she already has. Then she can exchange it for
something she really likes and "you will never know";
(2) Avoid sizes. If you have to get her any clothing, get a size or two
too small. This translates in her mind as a compliment;
(3) No underwear, Teddies, or pajamas. This is interpreted as a gift for
you, and also conflicts with rule two above;
(4) If it comes from a store you are comfortable in, get something else.
There are no personal items for women in sporting goods, hardware,
liquor, or fishing/tackle stores. The possible exception is if you are
building that romantic porch swing she has bugged you about for years.
In this case, have it finished before Christmas, or you will have to go
back into the forest for something else;
(5) No plants, flowers, or cards. These are for other occasions,
weddings, and deaths. These are interpreted as make-do gifts, such as
those things you grab at the last minute at the airport, the gas
station, or the check-out stand;
(6) The GIFT must personal and impractical. The breadmaker and blender
are used by everyone in the house, not just her. It must hers and hers
alone. An exception would be an automobile. Compact - yes, Mini-van –
no;
(7) Things that enhance her personal hobby or collection are sure
winners. If she collects Barbies, an expensive ceramic version would be
an excellent trophy to give her;
(8) Expensive candy is OK, but does not constitute the main GIFT. Put
this in her Christmas stocking with the plastic candy cane you forgot to
put back.

The Perfect Hunt
The best way to turn "Christmas shopping" into "Christmas hunting" would
be to organize a hunting trip. Treat this the same as any other hunting
expedition. Get together some buddies. Drive to the other side of the
next state and camp. Drink and play poker until you all pass out. Wake
up before dawn and walk at least a mile to the forest (mall). If it's
not open yet, have breakfast. Malls open earlier and stay open later as
Christmas day approaches. Divide into two's and hunt for the GIFT.
Admire each other's kill. Unless the GIFT is a car hood ornament, it
would be tacky to tie the GIFT to the hood of the car. Only something
too large, such as exercise equipment, can hang out of the trunk with
bungee cords. Spend the rest of the day in the sports bar or golf
course. I have had a lot of success with this attitude toward getting
the GIFT. On one experience, I tackled the greatest of all forests, Mall
of America. I arrived on Christmas Eve morning at 7 am, parked right
outside the door, and I was back in the car with her GIFT in 45 minutes.
I wouldn't recommend this to an amateur hunter. Once you get the hang of
the "Christmas Hunt", you can attempt the "Anniversary Hunt" or the
"Birthday Hunt", once you figure out which days those are.


Good Luck Guys. Let's be careful out there.

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