Quote of the day:
Profanity is a crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
Mary had a little snatch,
A teeny - tiny hole,
Johnny couldn't quite fit in,
His massive manly pole.
He greased her up and squirmed and shoved,
And pinched her little tit,
But nothing seemed to work for him,
The damned thing wouldn't fit!
So Mary drank alot of wine,
And smoked a little grass,
And just as she was passing out,
He shoved it up her ass.
Sally arrived home from her date on a cloud. She tossed her coat over a
chair, her purse over the banister; she threw the rest of her clothing
around her bedroom with abandon.
The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked if she had had a good
"Oh," she sighed, "I had a wonderful time!"
"I should guess so," her mother remarked. "Your underpants are still
stuck to the ceiling."
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of
the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act he
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act
displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you
saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his
bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied , "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
________________________________________ ________________________________________ ___________
A bloke buys a camel from some shonk on a street corner, and he proudly
rides it into the pub car park, causing a bit of a stir with the local
"Nice camel, mate," one of his drinking commented. "Is it male or
"Female!" the bloke beamed.
"How do you know" his mate enquired."
"Well," the bloke explained, "On the way here today, at least twenty
people yelled out: 'Hey - look at the cunt on the camel!
Two families move from Iraq to America. When they arrive, the fathers
make each other a bet -- in a year's time, whichever family has become
more American will win.
A year later when they meet again, the first guy says, "My son plays
baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a
case of Bud for tonight. How about you?"
The second guy says, "Fuck you, towel-head!"
Walking through the woods a man comes upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against it. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree."
"You gotta be kiddin me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against it. With this the other guy slaps a set of hand cuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him naked and leaves.
Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy hand cuffed to the tree, stark ass naked and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there, but while he was doing so the guy shakes his head in sympathy walks around behind him, kisses him tenderly behind the ear and says. "This just ain't your day, is it?"
Paddy, the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at the local
He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the
He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet
another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his
drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to
side to avoid all the trees.
Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a
The Garda approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.
Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him
mid sentence and says,
"Fer Chris sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"
The day after losing his wife in a diving accident, a man answered his
door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have
some information about your wife."
"Tell me! Did you find her?" the man cried.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news,
some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Swallowing hard, he
asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound king
crabs and a half-dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After
a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."
A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says,
"Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass."
He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man
"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer
into your pussy, and drink from your cunt."
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was
going to lick her tits.
He yells, "I'll kill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he's pissed and
starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer
down my twat, and drink from me!"
Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I won't fuck with anyone who
can drink that much beer."