Little Johnny

[squirt]

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to have to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

[squirt]

A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat.

Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur, Miss?" The teacher replies, "Not quite right, Mary, but a good try."

Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying, "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!"

The next student the teacher's picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin, Miss?"

The teacher replies, "Not quite right either, Peter. Anyone else want to try?"

Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?" Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of the nuts on that cat, I'd say, it would have to be bolted on!"

[squirt]

Little Johnny was a country boy who had come into some money and decided he would go to town. Having never been to town before he strolled up and down the street looking at the stores, when he came to a barber shop. "Well," he said to himself. "I have never had a city hair cut, I think I will get one." He went in and sat down and the barber said, "What can I do for you?" Little Johnny said, "I want the works, everything, I can pay for it!" So the barber starts cutting, and in a little while he said, "Would you like a singe?" Little Johnny said, "I said I want the works, everything." The shop had a good looking, well built manicurist, wearing a tight knit, almost see through shirt and she walked over and asked if he want a manicure. He said, "I want the works, everything!" So she started working on him, all the while rubbing those big breasts up against him and looking at him with those big eyes. In a few minutes she asked, "Shall I push back the cuticle?" Little Johnny said, "Just kiss me, it will roll back by itself."

[ghostbuster2]

Originally Posted by brilor

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

Ha I like Little Johnny's letter, also In Abe's time they had no computer games.

[brilor]

Dubya was visiting a class of 7 year olds for a Q & A session. One little lad asked him the following....

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage
when half of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the
kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?
Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand.
George points him out and asks him his name.
"Johnnie" he responds.
"And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"

"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage
when half of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And sixth, what the F**K happened to Stanley ?"

[squirt]

Little Johnny grabbed some cookies cooling on the kitchen counter and his mother smacked his hand.

"OW! What did you do that for?" he said.

"Your hand was doing something it wasn't suppose to and it needed to be punished. Now go see what your father is doing."

Little Johnny ran to the garage just as his father accidentally dropped his hot glue gun on his hand. His father cursed in pain and batted the tool away from his hand.

Little Johnny ran back to his mother and said, "Mom! Dad's smacking his tool in the garage. I think his tool needed to be punished, too."

[squirt]

Little Johnny and his girl were walking along a trail in the woods. Suzy noticed that some of the animals were behaving oddly. "Little Johnny, why is that rabbit on top that other one?" she asked. Little Johnny stopped to consider his answer, and replied, "They're making cigarettes." "Cigarettes?" she exclaimed, as they continue walking along. Pretty soon they approached a couple of raccoons. Suzy asked, "Are they making cigarettes too?" "Yea," says Little Johnny. Suzy looked around and said, "it looks like all the animals are making cigarettes, why don't we make cigarettes?" Little Johnny was quick to say, "OK!" A hour or so later Little Johnny and Suzy were walking out of the woods, when she asked, "Little Johnny, what kind of cigarettes did we make?" Little Johnny stopped to think about his answer, then replied, "Well if you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, and if you don't it was a Lucky Strike."

[brilor]

A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans.
Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."

The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.

The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this IS Vermont, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan."

[mmyers2548]

Little Johnny Visits Baby

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby.

Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, they invited Little Johnny's
family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise
crack to say about the baby, so his dad had a long talk with Little Johnny
before going to the neighbors.

He said, "Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to
be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am
really going to spank you when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched
the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said "Oh What a beautiful
little baby."

The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet.
Why just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say that he can
see good?"

The Mother said, "Why yes, his doctor said he has 20/20 vision."

Little Johnny said "Well, its a darn good thing cause he sure couldn't
wear glasses!"

[mmyers2548]

Scare Me

Little Johnny and Little Mary were walking home
from school one day. As they walked along, they
saw two dogs knotted up along side the road,
screwing. "What are they doing, Johnny?" Mary
asked. Well, Little Johnny, being a man of the world
for all his 12 years, knew what they were doing but
was embarrassed to say it, so he said, "Well, he's
scaring her." Little Mary said, "Oh."

They walked a little farther and Little Mary said,
"Scare me, Little Johnny." Well, Little Johnny
thought, "What the Hell," so he took her into the
bushes and "scared" her.

After they were finished, they started walking home
again. Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion
mounting a mare in the field. "What are they doing,
Little Johnny?" she asked. "Well, he's scaring her."
So Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Johnny." Little
Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared" her
again. After they were finished, they started walking
home again.

Pretty soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a
heifer in the field, going at it. "What are they doing,
Little Johnny?" she asked again. "Well, he's scaring
her," Little Johnny said. After a few more minutes
of walking, Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Little
Johnny."

Now Little Johnny, being a little tired by now, had
just about had enough, so he yelled out, "Boo,
damn it, boo!"