Todays Blonde Joke...... - Page 12

**squirt** · 01-10-2008, 12:17 AM

A 75 year old tycoon and his 22 year old blonde bride were on their way from the wedding reception to the honeymoon suite at the Plaza. Suddenly he had a tremendous heart attack. The paramedics were called to the scene and worked to stabilize the old man.

The paramedics labored furiously over his frail body as the ambulance rushed across town. The tycoon's pulse remained feeble and erratic, so, one of the
medics turned to the blonde bride and said, "How about giving your husband a few words of encouragement? I think he could use them."

"Okay," she agreed with a shrug. She leaned toward the stretcher and whispered, "Honey, I hope you perk up real fast. I'm so horny I'm ready to hop on one of these cute guys in white."

**squirt** · 01-12-2008, 01:48 AM

Why do blondes make poor cowgirls?
They can't keep their calves together

**squirt** · 01-12-2008, 01:54 AM

The police precinct captain had been ordered to raid the local bordello, something which was an embarrassment to him and his men, for they patronized it themselves on occasion. As a result, they were friendly with the madam. The captain therefore rang up the establishment and found that all the girls, and the madam too, were off on a picnic and that the place was closed. There was only the cleaning lady to answer the phone. "Listen," said the captain, "pass on this message because it won't be safe to call again. Tell the madam that tomorrow we've got to stage a surprise raid on the place. When we come, however, we'll honk the horn, go round the block, honk the horn, go round the block, honk the horn, then go round the block a third time, and then we'll come dashing in. By that time, we want everyone safely out of the place. Understand?" The custodian said she did, but of course, being a typical blonde, she didn't, and the madam never received the message. The next day it was "business as usual" at the bordello establishment. The police, blissfully unaware of the slip in their plan, arrived, honked, circled, honked, circled, honked, circled, and then charged in. As they dashed up the stairs with the captain at the head, they collided with two nude girls who were hastening down the stairs with a mattress between them. The captain roared, "What the devil are you two girls doing?" "Don't blame us!" cried one of the girls indignantly. "Some asshole outside is honking for curb service."

brilor · 01-15-2008, 06:50 AM

Blonde Cook Book:

MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake.
The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors
were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said
serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a
surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly
before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but
I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of
lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up
to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all
ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have
been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back,
everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some
reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast.
All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash
of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the
controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much
to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for
tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob.
If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to
surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

goldeneagle · 01-15-2008, 11:26 AM

Roflmfao

**squirt** · 01-17-2008, 06:45 PM

One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's new car. Suddenly, some jerk pulled in front of them. The blonde put her lips on the steering wheel. The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage to ask, "What are you doing?!" The blonde calmly replied, "Blowing the horn."

**squirt** · 01-21-2008, 10:14 PM

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it that way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

lordoftheblackflies · 01-21-2008, 10:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by squirt

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it that way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

lMAO - LOVE THIS ONE

**squirt** · 01-23-2008, 11:22 PM

After several unsuccessful advances, the bachelor asked his blonde and alluring but standoffish date "Do you shrink from making love?" "If I did," she sighed, "I'd be a midget."

brilor · 01-24-2008, 11:18 AM

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not

allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then

he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that

I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I

was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What

are you doing ?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for

a Couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker

(the Blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, 'And where do you

think You're going?'

(You're gonna love this...)

She said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!'

01-15-2008, 11:26 AM	#115 (permalink)
goldeneagle Senior Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: In a small town in Mo. Posts: 3,711 Rep Power: 292	Roflmfao __________________

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01-10-2008, 12:17 AM	#111 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,998 Rep Power: 8572	A 75 year old tycoon and his 22 year old blonde bride were on their way from the wedding reception to the honeymoon suite at the Plaza. Suddenly he had a tremendous heart attack. The paramedics were called to the scene and worked to stabilize the old man. The paramedics labored furiously over his frail body as the ambulance rushed across town. The tycoon's pulse remained feeble and erratic, so, one of the medics turned to the blonde bride and said, "How about giving your husband a few words of encouragement? I think he could use them." "Okay," she agreed with a shrug. She leaned toward the stretcher and whispered, "Honey, I hope you perk up real fast. I'm so horny I'm ready to hop on one of these cute guys in white."

01-12-2008, 01:48 AM	#112 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,998 Rep Power: 8572	Why do blondes make poor cowgirls? They can't keep their calves together

01-12-2008, 01:54 AM	#113 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,998 Rep Power: 8572	The police precinct captain had been ordered to raid the local bordello, something which was an embarrassment to him and his men, for they patronized it themselves on occasion. As a result, they were friendly with the madam. The captain therefore rang up the establishment and found that all the girls, and the madam too, were off on a picnic and that the place was closed. There was only the cleaning lady to answer the phone. "Listen," said the captain, "pass on this message because it won't be safe to call again. Tell the madam that tomorrow we've got to stage a surprise raid on the place. When we come, however, we'll honk the horn, go round the block, honk the horn, go round the block, honk the horn, then go round the block a third time, and then we'll come dashing in. By that time, we want everyone safely out of the place. Understand?" The custodian said she did, but of course, being a typical blonde, she didn't, and the madam never received the message. The next day it was "business as usual" at the bordello establishment. The police, blissfully unaware of the slip in their plan, arrived, honked, circled, honked, circled, honked, circled, and then charged in. As they dashed up the stairs with the captain at the head, they collided with two nude girls who were hastening down the stairs with a mattress between them. The captain roared, "What the devil are you two girls doing?" "Don't blame us!" cried one of the girls indignantly. "Some asshole outside is honking for curb service."

01-15-2008, 06:50 AM	#114 (permalink)
brilor Jokaroo VIP Status Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: In between the devil and the deep blue sea! Posts: 69,390 Rep Power: 5142	Blonde Cook Book: MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper. WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any. THURSDAY: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden. FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. SATURDAY: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten. SUNDAY: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

01-17-2008, 06:45 PM	#116 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,998 Rep Power: 8572	One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's new car. Suddenly, some jerk pulled in front of them. The blonde put her lips on the steering wheel. The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage to ask, "What are you doing?!" The blonde calmly replied, "Blowing the horn."

01-21-2008, 10:14 PM	#117 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,998 Rep Power: 8572	It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it that way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

01-23-2008, 11:22 PM	#119 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 355,998 Rep Power: 8572	After several unsuccessful advances, the bachelor asked his blonde and alluring but standoffish date "Do you shrink from making love?" "If I did," she sighed, "I'd be a midget."

01-24-2008, 11:18 AM	#120 (permalink)
brilor Jokaroo VIP Status Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: In between the devil and the deep blue sea! Posts: 69,390 Rep Power: 5142	I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you doing ?' I told him I was a light bulb. He said 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a Couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the Blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, 'And where do you think You're going?' (You're gonna love this...) She said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!'