Todays Blonde Joke......

[squirt]

A Blond Hollywood girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

[squirt]

A young blonde secretary was describing her evening's exploits to a friend." After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that." "That was smart," her friend said, approvingly. "Then what happened?" "He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said. "You didn't weaken your resolve, did you?" asked the friend. "Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry."

[brilor]

Some blonde funnies for you...
>
> > BLONDE LOGIC
> > Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
> > The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????'
> >
> > CAR TROUBLE
> >
> > A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
> > After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
> > She says, 'What's the story?'
> > He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
> > She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
> >
> > RIVER WALK
> >
> > There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
> > The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
> >
> >
> > BLONDE ON THE SUN
> > A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
> > The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
> > T he Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
> > The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
> > To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
> >
> > IN A VACUUM
> > A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
> > She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
> >
> > FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
> >
> > A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named
> > Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
> > 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
> >

[LAWRENCE]

Three blondes die and find themselves standing before St. Peter. He
told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell
him what Easter was.

The first blonde said,

"Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks
and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he turned her away.

The second blonde said,

"Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he turns her away.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said,

"Okay, so, tell me."

She says,

"Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
festival of Passover. Jesus was having a Passover feast with His
disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him.
The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they
buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder..."

St. Peter relies, "Verrrrrry good!"

Well, instead of shutting up while she was ahead, the blonde
continues,

"Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out.
If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

**************************************

[LAWRENCE]

Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another hour. But don't worry, we still have one engine left."

Sherry, a young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and sighed, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

****************************************

[LAWRENCE]

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class Section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back. he blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here. The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The Co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that she Only paid for Economy and she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here. The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The Pilot says, 'You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak Blonde.' He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and She says, 'Oh, I'm sorry.' And she gets up and goes back to her seat in Economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her, "First Class isn't going to Houston."

[brilor]

A cop was driving down a country road when he saw a car in the ditch. He got out of his car to see if anyone was in the car. A blonde popped her head out the window and said "Thank god officer! I got in an accident!" The officer replied with "Well I can see that! Are you okay?" The blonde looked forward and said "Well yeah... I think so." Then the officer looked around and said "Miss.... your car looks like an elephant stepped on it. How did you crash?" The blonde looked at him and said "It was so strange. I was driving down the road and out of nowhere a tree jumped infront of me, so I swerved to the other side and another tree was in the way, so I swerved again, but another one was there again, so one last time I swerved to the other side, but the damn tree got me, and caused me to go in this ditch!" The officer started to laugh hard. "Whats so funny?" The blonde asked. The officer took a second to catch his breath then said "Miss, theres no trees on this road for miles ahead. That was your car air freshner swinging back and forth!"

[LAWRENCE]

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a
lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were
you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I
don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is
no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the
night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."

[LAWRENCE]

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette are having a holiday at the North Pole. The blonde's weight is 110 pounds, the red's is 130 pounds, the brunette's is 150 pounds. One day, the three of them are having a trip on a sleigh. Suddenly, they see a polar bear behind them. Quickly, they throw out all the luggage behind them, but this doesn't help. The bear comes closer. They realize that one of the three will have to sacrifice herself so that the 2 others will be able to escape. "You should do it," the blonde says to the brunette. "The bear will need more time to eat you then to eat me or the redhead." "I guess you're right," the brunette says. She jumps out of the sleigh and gets killed by the bear. "Thank God for my brains," the blonde says, but the bear reopens the chase. "Now it's your time, red," the blonde says. "Your weight is bigger than mine." "I guess you're right," the red says and she also jumps out and gets killed. "Thank God for my brains," the blonde says. The bear still won't stop hunting the sleigh. The blonde really gets mad and she cries out, "You stupid animal!! Just wait a minute!! I'll take my gun and I'll blow you to pieces!!"

[BountyHunter]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 I'm a 5-foot talll, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No..not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."