Todays Blonde Joke......

[sexysadie]

Originally Posted by K1SSE5

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery ."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this....buy a ticket."

ROTFLMAO..too good!

[LAWRENCE]

Mailman John walked down the street on his last day as a letter carrier. The first door he came to had the residents handing him fruit and flowers. They thoroughly thanked him and said that they appreciated his work.

The next door he came to had the residents handing him home-baked chocolate chip cookies and also thanking him for a job well done.

Then the next door he came to featured a beautiful blonde who answered the door. She immediately invited him in. He entered the house and immediately set into an erotic encounter with the blonde. Upon finishing their "business" they returned downstairs and the blonde fixed him breakfast.

The blonde hands him a coffee cup and he noticed that there was a dollar bill under it. The mailman asked what it was for and the blonde replied, "Well, I asked my husband what he thought I should do for you on your last day. He said 'Screw him -- give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

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[brilor]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman, and started canvassing a well-to-do housing estate. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge ?"
The blonde after looking about, said, "How about 50 quid ?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied: "She should, she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb ?"
"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' jokes."
Some time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes" the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the five ten pound notes.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Jaguar."

[brilor]

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

[LAWRENCE]

There are a blonde and a brunette watching the news and the current event comes up.

It's about a man who is going to jump off of a building.

The brunette bets the blonde $20.00 that the man will jump, the blonde says, "you're on".

About a minute later the man jumped.

The blonde started to get the money out and the brunette says, "Keep the money because I saw the news earlier and I knew that the man would jump."

The blonde says "No that's okay because I saw the news and I knew the man would jump too but I didn't think he would do it again.

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[LAWRENCE]

A cop saw a blonde down on her knees under a streetlight.
"Can I help you?" he asked. Replied the blonde, "I dropped
my diamond ring and I'm looking for it."
Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?"
"No," she responded, "I dropped it about a block away, but
the light's better here."


+++++++++++++++++

[brilor]

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored
and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?"

[LAWRENCE]

There was once a particular dive bar in Los Angeles that once featured a mirror that could determine if you were telling the truth or not. If you weren't telling the truth you would be sucked in, never to be seen again.

One day had a not-so-lovely brunette come in to the bar. She strolled up to the mirror and declared, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in this bar." And for telling this lie the mirror sucked her in.

Then in sauntered a dopey-looking redhead. She approached the mirror and said "I think I am the smartest girl in the world." And for telling this lie the mirror sucked her in.

Then in came a blonde who strolled up to the mirror and said "I think.." And she was never seen again!


**************

[squirt]

Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman?
A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head.

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What do you call a blonde in the closet?
The 1984 hide and go seek champion.

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A blonde stopped by a pizza shop one night and ordered a medium pizza. The Italian owner asked "How would you like that cut, in six or four pieces?" After some thought, she answered, "Better cut it in four, I don't think I can eat six pieces!"

========= ========= =======

A man says to his blonde wife, "Guess what I heard at our favorite pub today? They were saying the milkman is having sex with every woman in our apartment building except one, but they are not sure who that one is." And right a way she jumps up and says, "I know who it is, it's that stuck-up bitch Phyllis, in apartment 12."

========= ========= =======

A young blonde lady went on a tour trip on an old steam train that took the passengers through mountains and tunnels. As the train approached a tunnel, the conductor hurriedly walked through the coaches warning passengers, "Tunnel ahead. Look out!" The blonde quickly stuck her head out the window, and her forehead met with the concrete entrance of the tunnel. After being revived 15 minutes later, the blonde's words were, "That stupid son of a b*tch! He should have told me to look in!"

========= ========= =======

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

========= ========= =======

Q: Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A: It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

========= ========= =======

Did you hear about the blonde that ...

... Lost her boyfriend because she forgot where she laid him.
... Thought that asphalt was rectum trouble.
... Was called tapioca because she could be made in a minute.
... Thought her typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period.
... Thought that "no kidding" meant some form of birth control.
... Thought that peter pan was something for under the bed.
... Thought that "Moby Dick" was a venereal disease.
... Thought that a sanitary belt was a drink from clean shot glass.
... Smelled good only on the right side because she couldn't find the left guard.
... Wore union pants because her best friend was having labor pains.
... Studied 5 days for a urine test.
... Thought KOTEX was a radio station in Texas.
... Thought fetus was a character from "Gunsmoke".
... Thought a mushroom was a place to kiss.
... Was in the Indy 500 and had 7 pit stops, 1 for gas and 6 for directions.
... Put 75 holes in her face? ... she was learning to eat with a fork.

[LAWRENCE]

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh."
The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It 's a p rofile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Ofcourse you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and aid, "Well, helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.



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