Todays Blonde Joke......

[Kryten]

Blonde Inventions
1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag

[Kryten]

There was a married blonde who was very concerned about her stupidity to
her husband, so she decides to make it up to him by painting the house
while he's at work.
When her husband came home, the house was suspiciously green and smelled
like paint, so he went to her wife to see what's going on. When he went
in the bedroom, she was still painting while she was wearing a ski
jacket over a leather jacket. The husband said "I like what you did to
the house, but why are you wearing a ski jacket over a leather jacket?"
The blonde responds "When I was reading the instructions on the can, it
said 'FOR BEST RESULTS, USE TWO COATS!'

[Kryten]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA
to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde,
tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the
window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the
game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and
if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again,
she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated,
says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I
don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the
blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment
unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first
question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde
doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and
hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks
the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and
searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with
his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no
avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The
blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The
lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,
"Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her
purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought
blondes were dumb.

[Kryten]

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to
kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground,
grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said
the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped
your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it
under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The
Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show
his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a
paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the
$10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow
blonde?"

[LAWRENCE]

Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head replies, "If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies!"

[Kryten]

The high-school, blonde and bosomy cheerleader confessed to her kindly old priest that she'd often have sex with her boyfriend in the front seat of his car.

"Now my daughter," consoled the Priest, "I'm sure if you think about it, you'll know you've been doing something wrong."

"Yeah, I guess you right." replied the cheerleader. "Maybe it would be more comfortable in the back seat."

[Huggies]

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract the attentions of a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. (don't you just love that expression?)

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So . . . . . you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No!"

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No!"

A little stunned by this response, (given that the physical manifestations had led him to think differently) but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Short of breath herself and barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

[Huggies]

BLONDE LOGIC

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a
bench talking, and one blonde says to the other,
"Which do you think is farther away...
Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says
"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"



CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She
tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes,
it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and
asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would
get your act together. Just yesterday you take away
my license and then today you expect me to show it
to you!"


RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to
a river and sees another blonde on the opposite
bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down
the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's
office and said that her body hurt wherever she
touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left
shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and
screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and
screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said,
"You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said.
"Your finger is broken."


BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were
talking one day. The Russian said,
"We were the first in space!"
The American said,
"We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what?
We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each
other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the
sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid,
you know. We're going at night!"


IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed
on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are
in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked,
"Is it on or off?"



FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had
acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their
names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone
naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond.
" They're watch dogs!"

[Kryten]

Once a blonde kept having the same weird dream every day, so
she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?

Blonde: I was being chased by a vampire!

Doctor: Really... What was the scenery like?

Blonde: I was running in a hallway.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream,
the same thing happened. I would always come to this door,
but I couldn't open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing
the door, but it wouldn't budge!

Doctor: Did the door have any letters on it?

Blonde: Yes, it did.

Doctor: And what did the letters spell?

Blonde: It said, "P-U-L-L

[brilor]

A blond gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
''Why?' says the blonde.
The boys says:
'Because I am the f#cking goalie'