Todays Blonde Joke......

[LAWRENCE]

[brilor]

A blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her, so she bought a gun. She went to his apartment that same day, with the pistol in hand. Sure enough, when she opened the door, she found her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. Overcome with grief, she put the gun to the side of her head. Her boyfriend screamed, “Honey, don’t do it...”

The blonde yelled back, “Shut up! You’re next!”

[LAWRENCE]

To prepare for his big date, the young man went up to the roof of
his apartment building in order to get a little color for
himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the
nude.

Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep, and managed to get
sunburned on his "tool of the trade." Being very determined he
decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot blonde. He
decided to put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in
gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, he treated
her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the
living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, his
sunburn started acting up. After several minutes of extreme
discomfort he asked to be excused, went to the kitchen, and
poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned
member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into
the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in a glass of
milk. Baffled the blonde exclaimed,

"So, THAT'S how you load those things!"

[squirt]

A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd sworn off men for life... "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned. "From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion," she said. "What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend. "That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"

[LAWRENCE]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing
an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how

She would like the body dressed. She points out that the man
does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband
looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She
gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care
what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the
viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk
stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful.
How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician
presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you
for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'

[LAWRENCE]

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," you don't understand.
"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.
"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket." "Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state', so I flew to Alaska!"

[LAWRENCE]

A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink fabrics. Once she has finally picked out a pink floral pattern, the salesman asked her “What sizes do you need?”
She replies “15 inches.”
He exclaims “15 INCHES?! What room are they for?” She says, “I only need one, and it’s not for a room. It’s for my computer monitor.”
The surprised salesman exclaims, “Miss, computers do not have curtains.”
The blond says “HELLOOooooooo…. I’ve got Windows!”

[LAWRENCE]

An elderly blonde lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards
away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the
subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada
for years. The now widowed blonde, lived on the farm with her son
and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter.
"I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to
an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that
our land is really part of the United States. We have the right
to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his blonde mother said. "Sign it! Call them
right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand
another one of those Canadian winters!"

[LAWRENCE]

[LAWRENCE]

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.