Todays Blonde Joke......

[LAWRENCE]

There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open.

After a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She then fell off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was now dragging her.

She finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle, bruises all over, and she was bleeding from three different spots. Finally, the horse came to a complete stop.

Thank goodness that the manager of the K-mart came out and shut the machine off.

[LAWRENCE]

Three girls, a blonde, redhead and brunette, died and were brought to
the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St.
Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, "Before
entering you must answer this simple question."

"Which is ...?" they replied in unison.

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the first girl, a brunette.

"Oh yes," she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was
still virgin even after I got married."

"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden
key."

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the second girl, a redhead.

"Oh, quite good," she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but
was not after I got married."

"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver
key."

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the third girl, a blonde.

"Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically have sex with every guy
I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."

"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."

[LAWRENCE]

A blonde walks into a bar and orders 18 beers.

“Why so many?” asked the bartender.

“Can’t you read the sign?” replied the blonde, “It says ‘no one served under 18.’”

[LAWRENCE]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."

[LAWRENCE]

Josh was helping Bambi, the young and very buxom blonde, clean out
the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair
Kit." Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite
inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Bambi what it was
for.
Bambi said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit." Confused. Josh
asked, "I can see that, but why?" Bambi answered, "In case I have a
flat and need to blow up one of my tires."

[LAWRENCE]

[LAWRENCE]

A lovely young Blonde entered the doctor's office on her lunch hour and
addressed a young man in a white coat. "I've had a pain in my
shoulder for a week. Can you help me?"
"Lie down on this table," he said, "and I'll massage it for you."
After a few minutes, the beauteous patient exclaimed,
"Doctor, that isn't my shoulder!"
The young man smiled and replied, "No, and I'm not a doctor, either."

[brilor]

Blonde Painter

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[LAWRENCE]

A Blonde who plays cards one night a month with
a group of friends was concerned that she always
woke up her husband when she came home around
11:30.
One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She
undressed in the living room and, purse over arm,
tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her
husband sitting up in bed reading.
"Darn it woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose
everything?"

[LAWRENCE]

A blonde walked into up to an airport ticket counter and asked to
buy a round trip ticket. "Where to?" Asked the smiling ticket agent.
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duuuuuh, back here!"