Todays Blonde Joke...... - Page 55

Huggies · 09-11-2009, 07:59 PM

ICE FISHING

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,

and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut

in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos

of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of

the ice.
She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole..

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU, LORD?"

The voice replied

"NO,THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK"

hortysir · 09-15-2009, 11:37 AM

Blonde's Cruise Ship Diary
DEAR DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship – all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today –seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice.

hortysir · 09-15-2009, 08:28 PM

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently
3 blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building.

He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks,
"Why did you 3 beautiful girls leap out of that building?"

The blond answers in a very weak voice,
"We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads with wings..."

brilor · 09-17-2009, 05:38 AM

Q: What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?

A: She peed on her corn flakes

brilor · 09-17-2009, 05:27 PM

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of cheerios?

Oh! Look!! Doughnut seeds!!!

brilor · 09-17-2009, 05:29 PM

"What kind of job do you do?" a blonde asked the man traveling in her compartment.

"I'm a naval surgeon," he replied.

"Goodness!" said the blonde, "How you doctors specialize these days!"

konifur2 · 09-18-2009, 08:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brilor

"What kind of job do you do?" a blonde asked the man traveling in her compartment.

"I'm a naval surgeon," he replied.

"Goodness!" said the blonde, "How you doctors specialize these days!"

but people do collect belly button fluff..........

Boys Night Out · 09-18-2009, 01:58 PM

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
So she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.

He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'
The blonde said, 'No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'
The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'

Here it comes.........

The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.'

LAWRENCE · 09-19-2009, 09:43 AM

The old farmer was having a very bad year. All of his crops had
been lost.

Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way
he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman
and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his
pickup with peaches and headed to town.

Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a
basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.

A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy
voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"

Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really
nice peaches for sale".

The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So
she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said,
"Are those peaches full and firm like these?"

Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good
peaches."

So she opened the rest of ! her robe, showing she had on no
panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like
this?"

The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh
yes, they're wonderful peaches."

She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"

The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato
crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're
gonna screw me out of my peaches."

brilor · 09-19-2009, 02:07 PM

A worried father confronted his blonde daughter one night. I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common, and bloody stupid with it."

"Oh, no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out 9 weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."

09-15-2009, 11:37 AM	#542 (permalink)
hortysir Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: South...Thank God! Posts: 19,853 Rep Power: 3575	Repeat??? Blonde's Cruise Ship Diary DEAR DIARY: DAY 1 All packed for the cruise ship – all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited. DEAR DIARY: DAY 2 Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today –seems like a very nice man. DEAR DIARY: DAY 3 At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive. DEAR DIARY: DAY 4 Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband. DEAR DIARY: DAY 5 Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. DEAR DIARY: DAY 6 Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice. __________________

09-19-2009, 09:43 AM	#549 (permalink)
LAWRENCE Senior Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: VANCOUVER ISLAND CANADA Posts: 8,117 Rep Power: 1914	The old farmer was having a very bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town. Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?" Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale". The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?" Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches." So she opened the rest of ! her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?" The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches." She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?" The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches." __________________ ******************

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09-15-2009, 08:28 PM	#543 (permalink)
hortysir Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: South...Thank God! Posts: 19,853 Rep Power: 3575	A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently 3 blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building. He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you 3 beautiful girls leap out of that building?" The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads with wings..."

09-17-2009, 05:38 AM	#544 (permalink)
brilor Jokaroo VIP Status Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: In between the devil and the deep blue sea! Posts: 69,373 Rep Power: 5142	Q: What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine? A: She peed on her corn flakes

09-17-2009, 05:27 PM	#545 (permalink)
brilor Jokaroo VIP Status Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: In between the devil and the deep blue sea! Posts: 69,373 Rep Power: 5142	What did the blonde say when she opened a box of cheerios? Oh! Look!! Doughnut seeds!!!

09-17-2009, 05:29 PM	#546 (permalink)
brilor Jokaroo VIP Status Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: In between the devil and the deep blue sea! Posts: 69,373 Rep Power: 5142	"What kind of job do you do?" a blonde asked the man traveling in her compartment. "I'm a naval surgeon," he replied. "Goodness!" said the blonde, "How you doctors specialize these days!"

09-18-2009, 01:58 PM	#548 (permalink)
Boys Night Out Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: The First Coast Posts: 15,460 Rep Power: 2670	A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?' The blonde said, 'No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.' The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?' Here it comes......... The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.'

09-19-2009, 02:07 PM	#550 (permalink)
brilor Jokaroo VIP Status Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: In between the devil and the deep blue sea! Posts: 69,373 Rep Power: 5142	A worried father confronted his blonde daughter one night. I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common, and bloody stupid with it." "Oh, no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out 9 weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."