Todays Blonde Joke...... - Page 6

**squirt** · 11-11-2007, 11:36 PM

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!

Why WALMART???

WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

LAWRENCE · 11-13-2007, 09:48 PM

Blonde Trail Trackers
****************
Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.

The first blonde said, "I think they’re deer tracks!"

The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!"

The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!"

They were still arguing when the train struck them.

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LAWRENCE · 11-15-2007, 08:48 PM

*******************

January
*******
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
*******
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....

Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
*****
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'

April
****
Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!

May
****
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong

instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
****
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
****
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,

the other swimmers cheated; they used their arms!!!

August
******
Got locked out of my car in rain storm....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
*********
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
*******
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel .

November
********
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
********
Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

************************************

brilor · 11-16-2007, 06:25 AM

A blonde and a brunette are catching up ofter having not seen each other for a while, the brunette says to the blonde, "I'm married to Kenny now."
The blonde replies, "Really, I used to date him. Isn't he the one with the really bad dandruff?"
"Yeah," answered the brunette, "but I fixed that, I gave him head and shoulders."
The blonde looked really confused and after a few moments asked, "How do you give Shoulders?"

LAWRENCE · 11-16-2007, 07:18 PM

A blonde walks into a store and says, "I'd like to buy that TV over there."

The owner replies, "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to blondes."

So the blonde leaves but comes back the next day wearing a brown wig. She says, "I'd like to buy that TV over there."

But the owner replies, "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to blondes."

The blonde leaves the store in a fit of rage. Determined to get that TV, she goes to the plastic surgeon to get some work done. When it's all over, she ends up looking like a 60-year-old Asian man.

She goes straight into the store and says, "I'd like to buy that TV over there."

But again the owner replies, "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to blondes."

The blonde becomes very angry and asks the owner how he knew that she was the same person all along.

The owner replies, "Well, only a blonde would point to a microwave and call it a TV."

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tasman · 11-17-2007, 09:37 PM

True story: The wife and I were walking out of Wal-Mart one day, and there was a blond girl about fifteen years old ahead of us. The doors were just closing as she approached them, so she stopped. Since she wasn't moving, the doors didn't open back up. she turned around and asked "What's up with the doors?" my wife said "Maybe you didn't buy enough things." The girl let out a big sigh, shrugged her shoulders and started back into the store. At that point, I waved my hand at the motion sensor, which caused the door to open, and said "I guess they changed their mind." She just turned back and left the store.

LAWRENCE · 11-18-2007, 09:44 AM

Blonde in a Rowboat
***************
In the middle of a field there's a blonde sitting in a row boat just rowing away like mad. When another blonde spots her while driving by, she stops her car and gets out angrily.

She runs up to the barbed wire fence at the edge of the property and yells, "Girl, it's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name! If I could swim, I'd swim out there and kick your bony blonde ass."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXX

LAWRENCE · 11-20-2007, 10:44 AM

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears
Strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes
Upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,
Sweating and panting.
"What's up?" she asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone,
But just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son
Comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is
Hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs
Into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips
Open the closet door.
Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and
Cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bitch," she screams. "My husband's
Having a heart attack, and you're running around
Naked scaring the kids!"

***************************************

LAWRENCE · 11-22-2007, 10:44 AM

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new Stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the l closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

LAWRENCE · 11-23-2007, 05:47 PM

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

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11-13-2007, 09:48 PM	#52 (permalink)
LAWRENCE Senior Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: VANCOUVER ISLAND CANADA Posts: 6,137	Blonde Trail Trackers ************** Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were. The first blonde said, "I think they’re deer tracks!" The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!" The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!" They were still arguing when the train struck them. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxx __________________ ****************

11-15-2007, 08:48 PM	#53 (permalink)
LAWRENCE Senior Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: VANCOUVER ISLAND CANADA Posts: 6,137	A Blonde's Year in Review ***************** January *** Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February *** Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!! March * Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!' April Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!! May Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope. July Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated; they used their arms!!! August ** Got locked out of my car in rain storm....car swamped because soft-top was open. September ***** The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it??? October *** Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel . November **** Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! December **** Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!! ******************************** __________________ ****************

11-16-2007, 07:18 PM	#55 (permalink)
LAWRENCE Senior Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: VANCOUVER ISLAND CANADA Posts: 6,137	A blonde walks into a store and says, "I'd like to buy that TV over there." The owner replies, "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to blondes." So the blonde leaves but comes back the next day wearing a brown wig. She says, "I'd like to buy that TV over there." But the owner replies, "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to blondes." The blonde leaves the store in a fit of rage. Determined to get that TV, she goes to the plastic surgeon to get some work done. When it's all over, she ends up looking like a 60-year-old Asian man. She goes straight into the store and says, "I'd like to buy that TV over there." But again the owner replies, "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to blondes." The blonde becomes very angry and asks the owner how he knew that she was the same person all along. The owner replies, "Well, only a blonde would point to a microwave and call it a TV." xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx __________________ ******************

11-17-2007, 09:37 PM	#56 (permalink)
tasman Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: USA Posts: 474	True story: The wife and I were walking out of Wal-Mart one day, and there was a blond girl about fifteen years old ahead of us. The doors were just closing as she approached them, so she stopped. Since she wasn't moving, the doors didn't open back up. she turned around and asked "What's up with the doors?" my wife said "Maybe you didn't buy enough things." The girl let out a big sigh, shrugged her shoulders and started back into the store. At that point, I waved my hand at the motion sensor, which caused the door to open, and said "I guess they changed their mind." She just turned back and left the store. Last edited by tasman; 11-23-2007 at 11:56 PM.

11-18-2007, 09:44 AM	#57 (permalink)
LAWRENCE Senior Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: VANCOUVER ISLAND CANADA Posts: 6,137	Blonde in a Rowboat ************* In the middle of a field there's a blonde sitting in a row boat just rowing away like mad. When another blonde spots her while driving by, she stops her car and gets out angrily. She runs up to the barbed wire fence at the edge of the property and yells, "Girl, it's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name! If I could swim, I'd swim out there and kick your bony blonde ass." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXX __________________ ****************

11-11-2007, 11:36 PM	#51 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 250,075	A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART! Why WALMART??? WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

11-16-2007, 06:25 AM	#54 (permalink)
brilor Jokaroo VIP Status Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: In between the devil and the deep blue sea! Posts: 50,551	A blonde and a brunette are catching up ofter having not seen each other for a while, the brunette says to the blonde, "I'm married to Kenny now." The blonde replies, "Really, I used to date him. Isn't he the one with the really bad dandruff?" "Yeah," answered the brunette, "but I fixed that, I gave him head and shoulders." The blonde looked really confused and after a few moments asked, "How do you give Shoulders?"

11-20-2007, 10:44 AM	#58 (permalink)
LAWRENCE Senior Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: VANCOUVER ISLAND CANADA Posts: 6,137	Blonde gets Home Early.......... A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears Strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes Upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, Sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, But just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son Comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is Hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!" The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs Into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips Open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and Cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bitch," she screams. "My husband's Having a heart attack, and you're running around Naked scaring the kids!" ************************************* __________________ ****************

11-22-2007, 10:44 AM	#59 (permalink)
LAWRENCE Senior Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: VANCOUVER ISLAND CANADA Posts: 6,137	New Blonde Stewardess....... An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new Stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the l closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" __________________ ******************

11-23-2007, 05:47 PM	#60 (permalink)
LAWRENCE Senior Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: VANCOUVER ISLAND CANADA Posts: 6,137	The Blonde and the Trees.... A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener." xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx __________________ ******************

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