Religious fervour!

[brilor]

One day at Infants' school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50p to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It was Saint Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It was Saint Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Esther, come up here and I'll give you your 50p."

As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Esther replied, "I know - in my heart it is Moses, but business is business."

[brilor]

There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn't need him anymore.

One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.

The scientist says to God - "God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I've come to tell you that we really don't need you anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and ideas, we've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don't need you."

God nods understandingly and says. "I see. Well, no hard feelings.
But before you go let's have a contest. What do you think?"

The scientist says, "Sure. What kind of contest?"
God: "A man-making contest."

The scientist: "Sure! No problem".
The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, "Okay, I'm ready!"

God replies, "No, no, no... You go get your own dirt."

[brilor]

Taoism: Shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah
Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
Atheism: No shit.
Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'.
Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!

[squirt]

Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed he said ...

"Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name.

Later, as he counted the money he found 20 five dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that read "Forever hold your peace, I'll have that other three dollars before sundown.

[squirt]

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails. "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."

A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin:

"Use Wilson Nails, they'll hold anything."

Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. I'll give you a second chance, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"

Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says:

"Wilsons Nails, they'll hold anything."

Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Listen, I'll give you a last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."

A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says:

"If only we had used Wilson Nails!"

[squirt]

A good, clean living Pagan died and went to Heaven. St Peter met him at the door. "You can't come in" he said. The Pagan asked why, "You're Pagan, sorry. But Hell isn't so bad. Yer friends are there and they say it's cool." The Pagan is depressed but goes anyway because he was, well, Pagan. So he goes to hell and is greeted by a beautiful green field with people picnicing and having a great time. A man in a white robe comes to him and presents himself as Satan. "Wow" thinks the pagan, "Hell ain't so bad." Suddenly, the sky gets black and fire spews from the ground. A screaming flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed by a crack in the earth. After he disappears, everything returns to normal. "What was that?," the pagan asks Satan. Satan replies "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have hell any other way ..."

[squirt]

Three men of the cloth, a Catholic, a Jew and an Episcopalian were on an airplane trip together. They ran into the worst turbulence in the history of aviation on the whole flight.

When the plane finally landed, a reporter is there and starts interviewing people. The first one is the Catholic and when asked was he afraid, he answered, "I am Catholic my son and yes, I was afraid but I prayed to my God and I knew he would see me through it."

The reporter said thank you and went up to the next man of the cloth and asked was he afraid, he answered, "I am Jewish my son and yes, I was afraid but I prayed to my God and I knew he would see me through it."

The reporter said thank you and went up to the third man of the cloth whose clothes were all messed up, wet streaks down his pants and chunks on his chest. He was asked the same questions and replied, "I'm an Ecopalian."

The reporter says, "Ecopalian, what is an Ecopalian?"

And the man of the cloth said, "That's an Episcopalian with the piss scared out of him!"

[squirt]

A man attended a Billy Graham Crusade. When the very emotional sermon was over, Reverend Graham asked those who'd been moved by the Lord to come forward. The man had really been taken by the sermon and came forward to shake hands with Graham.

When the man got to the Reverend, Graham held his hands up, grabbed the microphone, stopped the music, and waved for silence. "My dear man, who put those clothes on your body?"

The man replied, "The Lord did!"

"AMEN" shouted the congregation.

"My good man, who put food on your table?"

"The good Lord did, Reverend!" the man shouted.

"AMEN! Hallelujah!" the crowd roared in response.

"My good fellow, who put that smile on your face and a rosey look to your cheeks?"

"Reverend, it was the Lord!"

"PRAISE GOD!" the crowd cheered.

Reverend Graham again raised his hands and called for silence. "Now, kind sir, what did the Devil ever do for you?"

The man thought for a second. "Nothing. F*ck him."

[squirt]

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so.

He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign.

[squirt]

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees'!
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'