Bar jokes - Page 2

brilor · 01-11-2008, 07:29 AM

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply.

The first man then asks: Where are you from?

I'm from Ireland, replies the second man.

The first man responds: You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.

Of Course, replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks:"Where in Ireland are you from?

Dublin, comes the reply.

I can't believe it, says the first man."I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.

Of course, replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to?

Saint Mary's, replies the second man. I graduated in 62.

This is unbelievable! the first man says. I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. What's been going on? he asks the bartender.

Nothing much, replies the bartender. The O'Malley twins are drunk again.

brilor · 01-11-2008, 07:30 AM

This homeless guy walks into a bar and says, "Gimme whiskey."

The bartender says, "I'll have to see your money first."

"I'm broke, sonny, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart dixie!"

The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees. The homeless guy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience starts applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience starts cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to shit all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leaves.

The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna fart dixie! Not shit all over my stage!"

The guy replies, "Hey! Even Bob Dylan has to clear his throat before he sings!"

brilor · 01-11-2008, 07:30 AM

by Homer J. Simpson

DO - The stuff that buys me beer.

RAY - The guy that sells me beer.

ME - The guy who drinks the beer.

FAR - Along way to get beer.

SO - I'll have another beer.

LA - I'll have another beer.

TEA - No thanks. I'm drinking beer!

That will bring us back to ... (looks into an empty glass)

DOH!

**squirt** · 01-11-2008, 05:39 PM

I love that Homer thing lol

**squirt** · 01-11-2008, 07:21 PM

The School for the Deaf had just graduated it's newest class of 21 year-olds. As a celebration, they all went out to a bar for drinks. They all sat down at the bar and began to sign their orders to the bartender, who was looking at them puzzled. He looked at the teacher and said, "I don't know sign language! What are they askin' for?"

The teacher replied, "Just give em what you think is good. Don't give 'em too much, because this is the first time they've ever been drinking. Just use your judgement." The teacher got a drink and went downstairs with the other teacher, leaving the students at the bar.

An hour later, the teachers come upstairs, running to the screams of the bartender. He was backed against the wall pointing at the students and screaming. The students were moaning loudly and waving their arms all over the place. "What the hell are they doing now???" the bartender asked.

The teacher observed for a moment. "Ach! I told you not to give them too much to drink!! You got them drunk, and now they're fucking singing!"

**squirt** · 01-12-2008, 01:40 AM

A drunk is sitting at the bar and has tattoos all over his arms and is bragging how he knows ALL the different tattoos in the world.

A hooker in the stool next to him spreads her legs - she's wearing no underwear and has a tattoo of rock stars on each inner thigh. She says to the drunk: "I bet ya can't tell who these tattoos are - and if you can, I'll give you a blow job."

The drunk is totally lost - and retorts: "ya got me! I don't know about the ones on the right or left - but the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson!"

**squirt** · 01-13-2008, 08:55 PM

A guy walks into a bar looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender brings it to him and asks, "Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps." The guy says, "Well, I've suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work to follow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend!" "Wow, that must have been hard!" the bartender says "What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?" The guy at the bar replies "Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!"

**squirt** · 01-16-2008, 04:12 PM

A guy is sitting at the bar in a restaurant and can't keep his eyes off the gorgeous young thing sitting at a corner table. Catches her eye. Winks. She winks back. Sticks out his tongue. She returns the gesture. This escalates to where he's fondling his tool and she's fondling herself. He's worked up to a fine lather. Suddenly through the door comes a guy with two small kids, who run directly to the young thing's table, screaming "mommy." She swoops them up and gives them kisses, then kisses her husband on the lips. Guy at the bar walks over to the table and murmurs, "I guess a blow job is out of the question now, huh?"

**squirt** · 01-16-2008, 11:00 PM

One guy is at a bar and while sipping his drink, he spots this gorgeous brunette sitting at one of the tables with her friends. She catches him staring at her and they eye each other from afar for a while. Then he decides to go for it and motions to her with his finger (you know, that "come here" motion made by the index finger). So she walks over to where he's standing. He leans over and in a low voice whispers in her ear, "If I could make you 'come' with one finger, imagine what I could do with a whole hand.

**squirt** · 04-10-2008, 12:25 AM

These two drunks were in a bar. One said to the other, "I have to go for a piss."

The other said, "I have to go, too. Tell you what, why don't you go for me while you're in there."

The first drunk guy says, "Ok."

He staggers to the john, and is gone for a long time.

When he comes back, he punches the other drunk in the face and knocks him to the floor.

The second drunk looks up and says,

"Why did you hit me?"

"If you had told me you had to take a shit, I would have pulled down my pants!" the first drunk replied.

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01-11-2008, 07:29 AM	#11 (permalink)
brilor Jokaroo VIP Status Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: In between the devil and the deep blue sea! Posts: 50,551	A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply. The first man then asks: Where are you from? I'm from Ireland, replies the second man. The first man responds: You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland. Of Course, replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks:"Where in Ireland are you from? Dublin, comes the reply. I can't believe it, says the first man."I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin. Of course, replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to? Saint Mary's, replies the second man. I graduated in 62. This is unbelievable! the first man says. I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too! About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. What's been going on? he asks the bartender. Nothing much, replies the bartender. The O'Malley twins are drunk again.

01-11-2008, 07:30 AM	#12 (permalink)
brilor Jokaroo VIP Status Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: In between the devil and the deep blue sea! Posts: 50,551	This homeless guy walks into a bar and says, "Gimme whiskey." The bartender says, "I'll have to see your money first." "I'm broke, sonny, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart dixie!" The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees. The homeless guy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience starts applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience starts cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to shit all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leaves. The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna fart dixie! Not shit all over my stage!" The guy replies, "Hey! Even Bob Dylan has to clear his throat before he sings!"

01-11-2008, 07:30 AM	#13 (permalink)
brilor Jokaroo VIP Status Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: In between the devil and the deep blue sea! Posts: 50,551	by Homer J. Simpson DO - The stuff that buys me beer. RAY - The guy that sells me beer. ME - The guy who drinks the beer. FAR - Along way to get beer. SO - I'll have another beer. LA - I'll have another beer. TEA - No thanks. I'm drinking beer! That will bring us back to ... (looks into an empty glass) DOH!

01-11-2008, 05:39 PM	#14 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 250,077	I love that Homer thing lol

01-11-2008, 07:21 PM	#15 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 250,077	The School for the Deaf had just graduated it's newest class of 21 year-olds. As a celebration, they all went out to a bar for drinks. They all sat down at the bar and began to sign their orders to the bartender, who was looking at them puzzled. He looked at the teacher and said, "I don't know sign language! What are they askin' for?" The teacher replied, "Just give em what you think is good. Don't give 'em too much, because this is the first time they've ever been drinking. Just use your judgement." The teacher got a drink and went downstairs with the other teacher, leaving the students at the bar. An hour later, the teachers come upstairs, running to the screams of the bartender. He was backed against the wall pointing at the students and screaming. The students were moaning loudly and waving their arms all over the place. "What the hell are they doing now???" the bartender asked. The teacher observed for a moment. "Ach! I told you not to give them too much to drink!! You got them drunk, and now they're fucking singing!"

01-12-2008, 01:40 AM	#16 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 250,077	A drunk is sitting at the bar and has tattoos all over his arms and is bragging how he knows ALL the different tattoos in the world. A hooker in the stool next to him spreads her legs - she's wearing no underwear and has a tattoo of rock stars on each inner thigh. She says to the drunk: "I bet ya can't tell who these tattoos are - and if you can, I'll give you a blow job." The drunk is totally lost - and retorts: "ya got me! I don't know about the ones on the right or left - but the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson!"

01-13-2008, 08:55 PM	#17 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 250,077	A guy walks into a bar looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender brings it to him and asks, "Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps." The guy says, "Well, I've suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work to follow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend!" "Wow, that must have been hard!" the bartender says "What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?" The guy at the bar replies "Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!"

01-16-2008, 04:12 PM	#18 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 250,077	A guy is sitting at the bar in a restaurant and can't keep his eyes off the gorgeous young thing sitting at a corner table. Catches her eye. Winks. She winks back. Sticks out his tongue. She returns the gesture. This escalates to where he's fondling his tool and she's fondling herself. He's worked up to a fine lather. Suddenly through the door comes a guy with two small kids, who run directly to the young thing's table, screaming "mommy." She swoops them up and gives them kisses, then kisses her husband on the lips. Guy at the bar walks over to the table and murmurs, "I guess a blow job is out of the question now, huh?"

01-16-2008, 11:00 PM	#19 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 250,077	One guy is at a bar and while sipping his drink, he spots this gorgeous brunette sitting at one of the tables with her friends. She catches him staring at her and they eye each other from afar for a while. Then he decides to go for it and motions to her with his finger (you know, that "come here" motion made by the index finger). So she walks over to where he's standing. He leans over and in a low voice whispers in her ear, "If I could make you 'come' with one finger, imagine what I could do with a whole hand.

04-10-2008, 12:25 AM	#20 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 250,077	These two drunks were in a bar. One said to the other, "I have to go for a piss." The other said, "I have to go, too. Tell you what, why don't you go for me while you're in there." The first drunk guy says, "Ok." He staggers to the john, and is gone for a long time. When he comes back, he punches the other drunk in the face and knocks him to the floor. The second drunk looks up and says, "Why did you hit me?" "If you had told me you had to take a shit, I would have pulled down my pants!" the first drunk replied.