Bar jokes

[squirt]

Sitting beside Bill in the bar was the ugliest woman he had ever laid eyes on; so ugly was she, in fact, that he refused each and every one of her advances.

After a while, having had one to many, the woman said. "Y'know, mishter, if I have on more drink I'm really gonna feel it."

Turning to the woman, Bill said, "T'tell the truth, sister, if I have one more drink, I prob'ly won't mind."

[squirt]

A man walked into the bar. As he waited for his drink, he noticed a gorgeous young Indian girl sipping a soft drink at the other end of the bar. He told the bartender to give her a real drink. The bartender replied, "I can't. The C.P. would be on my ass."

"What's the C.P.?"

"City Police."

The man finished his drink and ordered another. Again, he asked the bartender to give the Indian girl a real drink, but this time the bartender said, "I can't. The S.P. would shut me down."

"What's the S.P.?"

"State Police."

Just then the Indian girl got up an walked out of the bar. The man hurried out after her. An hour later, he staggered back into the bar, his clothes covered with blood, his nose broken.

"The F.B.I. got me!" the man moaned.

"What do you mean the F.B.I?" the bartender asked.

"A F**king Big Indian!"

[squirt]

A guy walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, buddy, if you can think of a good name for this bar, I'll give you a free beer."

So the guy goes outside and tries to think of a name. A beautiful lady walks by and he asks her name. "Sarah," she says. He looks at her incredible legs and realizes "Sarah's Legs" would make a great name for the bar. He goes back inside and tells this story to the bartender, who immediately agrees and renames the bar "Sarah's Legs."

The next day, the guy is sitting outside the same bar when a lady walks by and asks, "What are you doing out here, handsome?"

"Oh, he answers, "I'm just waiting for Sarah's Legs to open so I can have a quick drink."

[squirt]

Guy goes into a bar and sits down. "What'll you have?" asks the bartender. "Gimmee a beer," replies the guy. The bartender asks, "What kind of beer?" The guy says, "Oh any kind, so long as it's not a Budweiser." So the barkeep pours him a Miller and says, "What do you have against Budweiser?" "Oh man," groans the guy, "I drank twenty three Budweisers last night, went home, and blew chunks." The bartender says, "Listen pal, you drink twenty three of any beer and you're gonna blow chunks." The guy says, "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog!"

[indianajoe]

A blind man walked into a bar............. he didnt see it coming...

[squirt]

lmao ... I wonder if he got a buzz! lol

[squirt]

BAR TRANSLATIONS

"YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round)

"I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU."
(Happy hour is about to end ... drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop)

"HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position)

"CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL."
(FEMALE) (I'm easy)

"CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL."
(MALE) (I'm gay)

"EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you)

"EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)

"I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me)

"I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE)
(I'm horny)

"WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention)

"EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE)
(Get the hell out of the way)

"EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am going to grope you now)

"EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way)

"EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that pretty, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho ... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are)

"WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?"
(What's cheap?)

"CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (MALE)
(I'm really gay)

"CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (FEMALE)
(I'm really easy)

"THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

"CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE)
(I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this)

"I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE)
(I'm 16)

"I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a .2 after my last visit here)

[squirt]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: 'Got any Bread?'

Bartender says: 'No.'

Duck says: 'Got any bread?'

Bartender says: 'No.'

Duck says: 'Got any bread?'

Bartender says: 'No, we have no bread.'

Duck says: 'Got any bread?'

Bartender says: 'No, we haven't got any bread!'

Duck says: 'Got any bread?

'Bartender says:: 'No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any fu***ng bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your fu***ng beak to the bar you irritating bastard!'

Duck says: 'Got any nails?'

Bartender says : 'No'

Duck says: 'Got any bread?

[squirt]

A man went into an empty bar and ordered a beer. As he was walking around, he saw a table about 6' x 4' with some lines marked 6"-10" from one edge. Next to each line there are initials.

The man asked the bartender, "What are all those marks on that table?"

"It's a game the locals play, they pull out their dicks, stretch them as far as they can and mark a line." Our hero was hung like a horse and reckoned he can beat all the lines he'd seen and asked if he could have a go. "Sure," was the reply.

As he pulled out his dick, a clear winner by about 3". He started to mark his line down when the bartender said, "No mate, the locals start from the other side!"

[fudpucker]

That's the way we play the game at "Squirrely's" on weekends and days ending in "Y". Hero must not go to the bar very often! hehehehehehe