Bar jokes

brilor · 01-09-2008, 03:42 PM

A Gorilla goes into a bar and orders a scotch on the rocks. The barman thinks, "What would a gorilla know about drinks?" and charges him $20. The gorilla downs the drink and orders another.

The barman charges him the same price again. He thinks for a minute and then says to the gorilla 'You know we don't get many gorillas in here."

The gorilla looks at the barman and says, ,"At these prices I don't bloody wonder."

brilor · 01-09-2008, 03:43 PM

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

brilor · 01-09-2008, 03:45 PM

A bald guy walks into a bar, turns to the noticably short bartender, and says "Hey midget, gimme a beer!"

The bartender gives the man a beer, but tells the man not to refer to him as a midget.

A few drinks later, the guy turns to the bartender and again says, "hey midget... gimme another beer!"

The bartender gets upset and warns the man about calling him a midget, but gives him his beer.

After the thrid time this happens, the bartender says, "Hey! I told you to stop calling me a midget! How would you like it if I called you 'baldy' if our positions were reversed?"

The guy thinks about it and admits that he wouldn't mind. The bartender disagrees, and ultimately they agree to switch positions to let the man see how it feels.

The bartender moves to the front of the bar, and the guy moves to the back. The bartender says, "Hey baldy, gimme a beer!"

The guy leans over the bar and says, "Sorry, but we don't serve midgets here."

brilor · 01-09-2008, 03:46 PM

A gay guy walks into a bar and says "bartender give me a brewskie."

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."

The gay continues, "I'll just sit in the corner and drink my beer and won't say anything."

The bartender says, "Well, all right!" and pours a beer.

A while later a cowboy walks in and says "Bartender give me a beer! I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls"

A voice is heard from the corner. "Moo! Moo! Buckaroo!"

**squirt** · 01-09-2008, 04:25 PM

I'll be back with more bar jokes for your thread sexy brilor! lol

**squirt** · 01-10-2008, 01:19 AM

BAR ROOM TRANSLATIONS

1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." (I'll be leaving before the next round.)

2. "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $3.50.)

3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) (I'm easy.)

5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) (I'm gay.)

6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)

8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) (I'm horny.)

10. "Who's got the next round?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

brilor · 01-10-2008, 11:59 AM

A pissed-off cowboy walked into the bar and slammed his fist on the bar.

"Ok," he shouted, "Who's the son of a bitch that painted my horse's balls red?"
At the other end, a huge biker stood up, ripped the end of the bar out of the floor and slammed it back down.

He said, "I did asshole. What have you got to say about that?"

"Oh," said the cowboy. "I just thought I'd let you know... he's ready for his second coat."

brilor · 01-10-2008, 12:00 PM

This guy goes into a bar, sits down, orders a beer, takes a drink and shouts, "T.G.I.F!!" A woman next to him, orders a beer, takes a drink and shouts, "S.P.I.T.!!"The guy orders another beer, takes a drink, and shouts "T.G.I.F.!!" The woman next to him orders another beer, takes a drink, and shouts "S.P.I.T.!!!" This goes on for quite a while and finally the bartender says to the guy, "Why do you shout 'T.G.I.F'? What does that mean?"The guy answers, "Thank God it's Friday!!"The bartender nods. Then he asks the woman, "Why do you shout 'S.P.I.T.??'The woman answers, "Stupid prick, it's Thursday!!'

brilor · 01-10-2008, 12:01 PM

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

brilor · 01-10-2008, 12:04 PM

A man in a bar walks up to the bartender and says "I will bet you
$100 that if you set a shot glass down at the opposite side of the bar and I stand at this end of it I can pee in it without getting a single drop on the bar!"
The bartender thinks for a moment, and then finally slaps down $100. He goes and sets up the shot glass at the opposite end of the bar. The man climbs up on top of the bar, pulls down his pants and proceeds to pee all over the counter and the bar patrons without making a single drop into the shot glass.
Although the bartender is disgusted he says "Well it looks like you lost a hundred on that one!"
The man smiles smiles, points to a few stunned men at a table and says "that's okay, I bet those guys $200 that you'd let me climb on top of the bar and pee on everthing"

01-09-2008, 03:42 PM	#1 (permalink)
brilor Jokaroo VIP Status Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: In between the devil and the deep blue sea! Posts: 50,551	Bar jokes A Gorilla goes into a bar and orders a scotch on the rocks. The barman thinks, "What would a gorilla know about drinks?" and charges him $20. The gorilla downs the drink and orders another. The barman charges him the same price again. He thinks for a minute and then says to the gorilla 'You know we don't get many gorillas in here." The gorilla looks at the barman and says, ,"At these prices I don't bloody wonder." __________________ {Thanks Sexy Sadie}

01-09-2008, 03:46 PM	#4 (permalink)
brilor Jokaroo VIP Status Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: In between the devil and the deep blue sea! Posts: 50,551	A gay guy walks into a bar and says "bartender give me a brewskie." The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." The gay continues, "I'll just sit in the corner and drink my beer and won't say anything." The bartender says, "Well, all right!" and pours a beer. A while later a cowboy walks in and says "Bartender give me a beer! I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls" A voice is heard from the corner. "Moo! Moo! Buckaroo!" __________________ {Thanks Sexy Sadie}

01-10-2008, 01:19 AM	#6 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 250,083	BAR ROOM TRANSLATIONS 1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." (I'll be leaving before the next round.) 2. "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $3.50.) 3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.) 4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) (I'm easy.) 5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) (I'm gay.) 6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.) 7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?) 8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.) 9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) (I'm horny.) 10. "Who's got the next round?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.) __________________

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01-09-2008, 03:43 PM	#2 (permalink)
brilor Jokaroo VIP Status Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: In between the devil and the deep blue sea! Posts: 50,551	A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

01-09-2008, 03:45 PM	#3 (permalink)
brilor Jokaroo VIP Status Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: In between the devil and the deep blue sea! Posts: 50,551	A bald guy walks into a bar, turns to the noticably short bartender, and says "Hey midget, gimme a beer!" The bartender gives the man a beer, but tells the man not to refer to him as a midget. A few drinks later, the guy turns to the bartender and again says, "hey midget... gimme another beer!" The bartender gets upset and warns the man about calling him a midget, but gives him his beer. After the thrid time this happens, the bartender says, "Hey! I told you to stop calling me a midget! How would you like it if I called you 'baldy' if our positions were reversed?" The guy thinks about it and admits that he wouldn't mind. The bartender disagrees, and ultimately they agree to switch positions to let the man see how it feels. The bartender moves to the front of the bar, and the guy moves to the back. The bartender says, "Hey baldy, gimme a beer!" The guy leans over the bar and says, "Sorry, but we don't serve midgets here."

01-09-2008, 04:25 PM	#5 (permalink)
squirt Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 250,083	I'll be back with more bar jokes for your thread sexy brilor! lol

01-10-2008, 11:59 AM	#7 (permalink)
brilor Jokaroo VIP Status Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: In between the devil and the deep blue sea! Posts: 50,551	A pissed-off cowboy walked into the bar and slammed his fist on the bar. "Ok," he shouted, "Who's the son of a bitch that painted my horse's balls red?" At the other end, a huge biker stood up, ripped the end of the bar out of the floor and slammed it back down. He said, "I did asshole. What have you got to say about that?" "Oh," said the cowboy. "I just thought I'd let you know... he's ready for his second coat."

01-10-2008, 12:00 PM	#8 (permalink)
brilor Jokaroo VIP Status Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: In between the devil and the deep blue sea! Posts: 50,551	This guy goes into a bar, sits down, orders a beer, takes a drink and shouts, "T.G.I.F!!" A woman next to him, orders a beer, takes a drink and shouts, "S.P.I.T.!!"The guy orders another beer, takes a drink, and shouts "T.G.I.F.!!" The woman next to him orders another beer, takes a drink, and shouts "S.P.I.T.!!!" This goes on for quite a while and finally the bartender says to the guy, "Why do you shout 'T.G.I.F'? What does that mean?"The guy answers, "Thank God it's Friday!!"The bartender nods. Then he asks the woman, "Why do you shout 'S.P.I.T.??'The woman answers, "Stupid prick, it's Thursday!!'

01-10-2008, 12:01 PM	#9 (permalink)
brilor Jokaroo VIP Status Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: In between the devil and the deep blue sea! Posts: 50,551	An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

01-10-2008, 12:04 PM	#10 (permalink)
brilor Jokaroo VIP Status Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: In between the devil and the deep blue sea! Posts: 50,551	A man in a bar walks up to the bartender and says "I will bet you $100 that if you set a shot glass down at the opposite side of the bar and I stand at this end of it I can pee in it without getting a single drop on the bar!" The bartender thinks for a moment, and then finally slaps down $100. He goes and sets up the shot glass at the opposite end of the bar. The man climbs up on top of the bar, pulls down his pants and proceeds to pee all over the counter and the bar patrons without making a single drop into the shot glass. Although the bartender is disgusted he says "Well it looks like you lost a hundred on that one!" The man smiles smiles, points to a few stunned men at a table and says "that's okay, I bet those guys $200 that you'd let me climb on top of the bar and pee on everthing"