Two Jokes and a PSA

[Stooby]

The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to
her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke
up at 8 pm. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove
home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he
replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all
afternoon." "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!

The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about
having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful
father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the
ugliest child he h ad ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be
the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and
replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.
Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz
had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,"
the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an
impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed
it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have to show you
something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead? "

The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil
all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell
you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband
inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The
Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more
was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 am the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he
said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the
Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.

The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly,
Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the
menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A
nickel," the barman replied "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy
who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The
man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender
replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly,
"I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know, I know," she
replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Here's the second one:
The Curtain Rods.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining
room tab le by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted
on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed
half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of all of the
curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, Cleaning,
mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead Rodents,
and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they
had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace
the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the
house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and
decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not
find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the
local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a
huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her
the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said t hat she
missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce
settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price

that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she
were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his
lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the
moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the
Curtain rods.


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????

And now the Public Service Announcement:

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink
1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
Would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia Coli bacteria found in feces. In other>Words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine
(or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors)
Because alcohol has to go through a distillation
Process of boiling, filtering, and fermenting.
It is better to drink wine and talk shit .. Than to
Drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable
Information. I am doing it as a public service.

[squirt]

I stand on a fifth and you can make it tequila! lol