A few days later, in his office,Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears
to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then
Andy explained the
colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I
didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE
17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called MoviPrep,
which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detaillater;
for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting
around being nervous. Then, on the day before my
colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food
that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the
evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and
then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system , a liter is about
32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes
and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that
after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.'This is kind of like saying that after you
jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a
space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are
times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the
bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate
everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally
empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels
travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to
sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.