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Thread: The colonoscopy story

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    Member ern59's Avatar
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    Default The colonoscopy story

    Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humorcolumnist for the Miami Herald.

    Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal:



    I called my friend Andy Sable, a
    gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
    A few days later, in his office,Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears


    to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then
    Andy explained the


    colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I



    didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE


    17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'


    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called MoviPrep,



    which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detaillater;

    for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.



    I spent the next several days productively sitting
    around being nervous. Then, on the day before my

    colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food


    that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the

    evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and



    then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system , a liter is about


    32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes

    and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.



    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that



    after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.'This is kind of like saying that after you


    jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.


    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a



    space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are


    times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the

    bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate
    everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally

    empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels


    travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to

    sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.
    cont>











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    Member ern59's Avatar
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    I was very nervous.Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
    occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt
    on Andy?' How do you

    apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers wouldnot be enough.

    At the clinic I had to sign many forms
    acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever

    the heck the formssaid. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went
    inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of
    those hospital garments
    designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when
    you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than

    when you are actually naked.

    Then a nurse named Eddie
    put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted,

    but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka
    in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of
    this, but then I pondered what
    would happen if you got your self too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around


    in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a


    nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden
    around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side,


    and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing

    in the room, and I realized thatthe song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of

    all the songsthat could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen'has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, fromsomewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said.

    And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish,

    prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One
    moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the

    beat from the tambourine' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow
    mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent


    when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never

    been prouder of an internal organ.




    I would say 'Cheers', but somehow the expression'Up Yours' had a more appropriate ring to it. Even better play it Sam where the sun don't shine!!!!!!!!!!!


    Hope you liked the article.

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    Super Moderator squirt's Avatar
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    I have been extremely blessed to not have endured that particular experience to date ... *knocking on wood* ... lol I did work in a pharmacy for 9 years and I remember feeling so badly for those who dropped off prescriptions for products like the MoviPrep lol










    I'm really fortunate
    I'm really happy
    And I'm really really lucky to be where I am ♥

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    hehe...I haven't had the displeasure either. It makes the prostate exam look like a piece of cake.

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    Super Moderator squirt's Avatar
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    it's all about perspective! lol

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    Ummmmm I won't go into detail but been there and done that a few times.Let me tell you it hurts like hell if you have scar tissue they have to get through.He put 30 feet of hose inside me and drinking that rotten stuff has to be the end all.Yucky...lol.


    Thank you ladies!!
    Thank you Peter!!

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    This is truly one of the most effective examinations to rule out any colon diseases.Especially colon cancer and you do get what they call a cocktail before the exam.

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    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    The most annoying thing is the bloating and the wind after it!

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    Quote Originally Posted by brilor View Post
    The most annoying thing is the bloating and the wind after it!
    Yes that too sweetie.

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