Chilli

[Vinnie]

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Chili with habanera peppers


I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to mess yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat them, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement # 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as "thunder and lightning."

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store, away from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms, which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor, so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Big, big mistake!!! Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal ASSPLOSION took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, and began the inevitable "Oh my, Oh my", floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging.

One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Ohhhh MY GOD!" Then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again laughing, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

[squirt]

hubby eats them like they're candy lol and I haven't had to repaint anything! lol

... yet lol

[kiki5711]

Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE

Enjoy

Inexperienced chili taster
Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast....
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous
celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one
else wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the
last minute, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by
the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the score cards from the event:

Chili #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER CHILI

Judge #1: A little too heavy in tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy shit! what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge #1: Smokey with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in two
extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge #1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick needs more beans.
Judge #2: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Frank: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my back is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili #4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating.

Chili #5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge #1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2: Chili using shredded beef', could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from
the pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili #6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge #1: Thin yet bold vegetarian chili. Good balance of spice and
peppers Judge #2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and
garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili #7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge #1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last minute. I should note that I am worried about
judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost the site in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made out of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like
shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it through the four inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8: HELEN'S MOUNT SINAI CHILI

Judge #1: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2: This final entry is a good, balanced chili neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge #3 passed out ,
fell, and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor yank
Frank: --------------------------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was
unable to report)

Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE