Women think of everything!

[stevent222]

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.'



Damn women - they think of everything!!!!

[squirt]

ya'll don't stand a chance lol

[Bamber]

The Jolly Captain (Jake Thackray)

There once was an old captain who wished nothing more
Than to live again his voyages and walk by the seashore.
A simple man, and a good man, but the bane of his life
Was his ill-tempered, bad-hearted bitch of a wife.
Though the jolly captain was plagued by her bile
He smoked his long pipe and he smiled upon her tenderly.
He didn't like her much, but he'd loved her. Despite her rough tongue
The whey-faced old nag-bag had been his pretty darling once.

She fell down her staircase, she fractured her neck.
She lay upon the linoleum in a black apoplexy.
Her baleful eyes bulged with unspeakable abuse:
It seems that her spleen had been overproducing
So the jolly captain carried her to bed.
"Close your poor eyes," he said, "sleep a little peaceably."
He brought her fresh butter and cool watercress,
Violet and peppermint to soothe her heart's bitterness.

From her death bed she said, "if you marry when I die
"I'll crawl from my coffin to haunt you vexatiously."
With a howl and a scowl, with a shudder and a shake
She spat out her peppermint and went to vex her maker.
Unhappy captain, so sad when she died,
He closed her wild eyes, and he cried a bit on the Friday.
But he saw no good reason for wasting away,
So he married an apple-cheeked girl on the Saturday.

Alas, jolly captain, you're married too soon.
She'll come to torment you from underneath her tombstone.
She'll scratch and she'll claw her way up from the grave,
Hacking her way back again with furious fingernails.
"No," said the jolly captain, "she'll stay in her place.
She can scratch, she can scrape, till she's black in the face.
No, she won't come to haunt me and taunt me, I know,
Cause I buried her face downward, she's a long way to go.
No, she won't come to haunt me and taunt me, I know,
Cause I buried her face downward, she's a long way to go."