Misc. humor - some old, some "new"

[Pixsurguy]

Originally Posted by squirt

my daughter always starts them with "you've probably heard this before but ... " lol

Too true and not only that, but usually told better.

[squirt]

Originally Posted by Pixsurguy

Too true and not only that, but usually told better.

lmfao ... you've heard her tell a joke??? lmao

[Pixsurguy]

Originally Posted by squirt

lmfao ... you've heard her tell a joke??? lmao

Nope - just my experience with the manner of joke telling from my family.

[hortysir]

* I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

[squirt]

that makes my daughter my best friend lol

[Pixsurguy]

Leroy in Port Antonio, ( Jamaica ), always wanted to look cool. His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of sneakers to go with his sweat-suit. Leroy saved up half his pay and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Red Stripe, and he finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white sneakers to go with his sweat-suit.

Proudly, he bobbed down the street calling out to all the passers by, 'Ay, see mi new sneakers dem? Cool, eh?'

One gentleman pointed out that they were indeed nice sneakers, but young Leroy had a lace undone. Leroy scornfully explained that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace, and that on the bottom of the sneakers there were instructions for the wearer to only have one lace tied.

The gentleman expressed disbelief. So Leroy took off his sneakers and held it upside down for the man to read.
'See it right deh? It seh ' TAIWAN

[Pixsurguy]

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and then took it out to the barn

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out .....





"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

[Huggies]

BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!


'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one. I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


'OLD' IS WHEN....
> 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.
AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes.

[Huggies]

Marriage Commandments

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

[Huggies]

What do you get when you mix PMS with a GPS?

A crazy bitch who will find you!!!!!!