Misc. humor - some old, some "new"

[Huggies]

[Pixsurguy]

Originally Posted by Huggies

Alternate Punch Line:

"I just want it to stick out far enough so I won't roll out of bed at night."

[Huggies]

Originally Posted by Pixsurguy

Alternate Punch Line:

"I just want it to stick out far enough so I won't roll out of bed at night."

Mmmm I'm sure you'll have no problem sweets..lol.

[Huggies]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
Their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in
His son's medicine cabinet, he asked
About using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you shou ld
Take one Dad; they're very strong
And very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to
Try one, and before we leave in the
Morning, I'll put the money
Under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found
$110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told
You each pill was
$10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The
Hundred is from
Grandma!"

[Huggies]

Lovemaking tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you have 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want... the neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

[Huggies]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells


'THEIRS'?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[Pixsurguy]

Originally Posted by Huggies

Mmmm I'm sure you'll have no problem sweets..lol.

Certainly not with you around!!!!! (Ummmm, kisses all over)

[Huggies]

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say? Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day. I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says No crap, really? Ya think? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that's taking things a bit far! ----------------------------------------------------------- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over What a guy! --------------------------------------------------------------- Miners Refuse to Work after Death No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! ------------------------------------------------------ Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant See if that works any better than a fair trial! ---------------------------------------------------------- War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect! ---------------------------------------------------------------- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya think?! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Who would have thought! ---------------------------------------------------------------- Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; PoliceSuspect Homicide They may be on to something! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? ---------------------------------------------------------- Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge He probably IS the battery charge! ------------- --------------------------------- New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group Weren't they fat enough?! ----------------------------------------------- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft That's what he gets for eating those beans! ------------------------------------------------- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Do they taste like chicken? **************************************** Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chainsaw Massacre all over again! **************************************** *********** Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Boy, are they tall! **************************************** *** And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that right? **************************************** ***********

[Huggies]

Originally Posted by Pixsurguy

Certainly not with you around!!!!! (Ummmm, kisses all over)

Mmmmm right back at you and we don't miss a spot..hehehe.

[Huggies]