Misc. humor - some old, some "new"

[Huggies]

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight
so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward
but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."


"But madam, you must know that you are
not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.


The woman looked down,
then back up at the man
and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there
is 85 years old.
I just bought this hatyesterday!"

[Pixsurguy]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT (OR WORSE) TO SAY WHEN DRUNK

THINGS THAT ARE MERELY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! Nobody wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8 Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination and I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, since I have to work in the morning.

[Huggies]

An oldie but a goodie..hehehe.

[Huggies]

PONDERISMS ·I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ·There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. ·Life is sexually transmitted. ·Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. ·The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. ·Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. ·Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? ·Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. ·All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. ·In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. ·How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? ·Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly thingsand drink whatever comes out?' ·If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? ·Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? ·If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? ·If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? ·Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? ·Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? ·Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

[Huggies]

Just before the funeral services,
the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?'
the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,
' For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.


Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you growold,

You grow old because you stop laughing!

[Huggies]

Stuff to make you laugh... ________________________________________ __________ I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes." ~~~~~ Aspire to inspire before you expire. ~~~~~ I LOVE THIS NEXT ONE! My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine. ~~~~~ Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses. ~~~~~ Blessed are those who can give without remembering And take without forgetting. ~~~~~ The irony of life is that, by the time You're old enough to know your way Around, you're not going anywhere. ~~~~~ God made man before woman so as to give him time to think Of an answer for her first question. ~~~~~ I was always taught to respect my elders, But it keeps getting harder to find one. ~~~~~ Every morning is the dawn of a new error. ~~~~~

[Huggies]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'


The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.



In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.



But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'



'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

[Huggies]

Panties

This wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up a dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa.

At strategic moments she crosses her legs enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Yes," she answers.
"Thank Christ for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa..."

[Huggies]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in Front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. Any questions, I'll be parked around the corner." She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "One hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job," Harry replied. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty quid is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unspamspamspams his trousers, and out pops a HUGE smooth and very beautiful penis! She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."She runs back to Harry. "What's wrong?" he asks, "Any chance you could lend this guy seventy bucks?!"