09-15-2009, 10:20 AM
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#1 (permalink) |
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Misc. humor - some old, some "new"
Bumper Sticker
"If you talk to God, it's prayer. If God talks to you, it's schizophrenia." Snow Days A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively. "I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I just prayed for more snow." Hymn #365 A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River." Jewish Newspapers Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses and Bar Mitzvahs. Religion not important. Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.I am a sensitive Jewish prince to whom you can open your heart to share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. Jewish male, 34. Very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. The Sin Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of a church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!" When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!" And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!" But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'." Catholic School Whiz Kid The teenage boy was not doing well at all in public school, so the parents decided that it would be time to send the lad to Catholic school for the year. At the end of the term, sure enough the son's marks were straight As. The parents were overjoyed and asked their son, "How did you improve so greatly? Are the nuns that much better teachers?" "Not really better teachers," said the boy, "but everywhere I looked I saw a man nailed to the cross, and I knew they meant business here." Do Cats Go to Heaven? A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
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 Pix is big where it counts - he can stick his nose into your business from across the street.  (Oh, BTW, The unicorns killed the dinosaurs) |
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09-15-2009, 02:01 PM
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#3 (permalink) | |
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Senior Member
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Quote:
 Wanna enjoy my gettin' in 'em? 
__________________
Pix is big where it counts - he can stick his nose into your business from across the street. (Oh, BTW, The unicorns killed the dinosaurs) |
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09-15-2009, 02:09 PM
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#4 (permalink) | |
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Quote:
it's not easy to find a joke I've not heard before lol |
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09-15-2009, 04:17 PM
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#9 (permalink) | |
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Senior Member
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Quote:
Keeps the peace. 
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09-15-2009, 04:28 PM
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#10 (permalink) | |
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Super Moderator
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