Still more misc. humor

[Huggies]

Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant' is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist'.

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'
---
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'
---
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
---
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!
---
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'
---
Just before I was! deploye d to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
---
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible.. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
---
And then there is this one!

His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

[Pixsurguy]

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I
said, “I wanna watch.”

***********************
I saw a yard sign that said:

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower!

[Pixsurguy]

Q: What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef?

A: Anyone can roast beef.

An important question in the history of man:

Q: What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato chip?
A: A dic-tator.

[Huggies]

I needed to stick this someplace and you came to mind.Oh God that didn't come out right..hehehe.Love you babe.

This is one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).

[Pixsurguy]

Originally Posted by Huggies

I needed to stick this someplace and you came to mind.Oh God that didn't come out right..hehehe.Love you babe.

This is one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER



ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER



DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).

Yep Waaaaay too much time. Wonder if they'd be interested in mowing my lawn and cleaning out my garage?

[Pixsurguy]

[quote=Huggies;3091575][center]I needed to stick this someplace and you came to mind.Oh God that didn't come out right..hehehe.Love you babe.

[size=6][color=#0000bf]

Hmmm, I would have been correct had I said it. hehehehe:in love:

[Pixsurguy]

Last night I when I was out talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.
Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC anymore.

[Pixsurguy]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds..

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

**************************************** ********************************
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....


**************************************** **********


My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started......


**************************************** **********


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....


**************************************** **********

**************************************** *********


I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started......


**************************************** **********


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....


**************************************** **********
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Bud Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95..

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.......


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started......


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, had some breakfast, and slipped quietly into the garage.

With intentions of starting it in the street, I clicked the Harley into neutral, punched the garage door remote, and proceeded out into a torrential downpour.

It was raining sideways since the wind was blowing 50 mph, so I backed her into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out riding in that?"

And that is when the fight started...


________________________________________ __________


A man and a woman were asleep at 3:00 am like two innocent babies.. Suddenly, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, "That must be my husband!"

So the man jumped out of the bed scared and jumped naked out the window.. He landed in a thorn bush, and then ran to his car as fast as he could go..

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!"

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And that's when the fight started...


**************************************** ***********


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's how the fight started.....

[roosterowl1]

What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl?
A cock that stays up all night!