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Thread: clever puns!

  1. #1
    Senior Member likeaneagle's Avatar
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    Default clever puns!

    Those who jumps off a bridge in Paris are in Seine

    ∑ A manís home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

    ∑ Dijon vu Ė the same mustard as before

    ∑ Practice safe eating Ė always use condiments

    ∑ Shotgun wedding Ė A case of wife or death

    ∑ A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy

    ∑ A hangover is the wrath of grapes

    ∑ Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play

    ∑ Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

    ∑ Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion

    ∑ Reading while sunbathing makes you well red

    ∑ When two egotists meet, itís an I for an I

    ∑ A bicycle canít stand on its own because it is two tired

    ∑ Whatís the definition of a will? (Itís a dead give away)

    ∑ Time flies like an arrow. Fruit Flies like a banana

    ∑ In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes

    ∑ She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off

    ∑ A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

    ∑ If you donít pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

    ∑ With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress

    ∑ The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

    ∑ You feel stuck with your debt if you canít budge it

    ∑ Local Area Network in Australia Ė the LAN down under

    ∑ Every calendarís days are numbered

    ∑ A lot of money is tainted Ė Taint yours and taint mine

    ∑ A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

    ∑ He had a photographic memory that was never developed

    ∑ A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large

    ∑ Once youíve seen one shopping centre, youíve seen a mall

    ∑ Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis

    ∑ Santaís helpers are subordinates clauses

    ∑ Acupuncture is a jab well done

  2. #2
    Super Moderator Bamber's Avatar
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    Default Re: clever puns!

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    Usquequaque in fimus; tantum sublimitas varius.

  3. #3
    Jokeroo Enthusiast Romford Lad's Avatar
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    Default Re: clever puns!

    Most certainly clever....great list Lynn..

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  4. #4
    Senior Member Tokentoo's Avatar
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    Default Re: clever puns!

    Very punny
    I like, and will try to remember to use the tainted money one!

  5. #5
    Jokeroo VIP Status TakinMyLyfeBack's Avatar
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    Default Re: clever puns!

    Great Post!!!
    :balloonheart:
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  6. #6
    Super Moderator squirt's Avatar
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    Default Re: clever puns!

    love those puns! lol

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    Let my soul smile through my heart and my heart smile through my eyes
    That I may scatter rich smiles in sad hearts ♥

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    Default Re: clever puns!

    I recently entered a local pun contest. I submitted ten original puns hoping at least one would win the contest! Did I win?... Nope, as it turned out, no pun in ten did!'

    Grins .......... Bobby Lee
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  8. #8
    Super Moderator squirt's Avatar
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    Default Re: clever puns!

    *GROAN* lol

    it's very nice to meet you, welcome to the Roo!
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  9. #9
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    Default Re: clever puns!

    I think I removed all those posted before......

    The pediatrician was a real kidder.

    A boating accident between the yacht, Red Dawn, and the schooner, Blue Lagoon, left the survivors marooned.

    He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.

    Let's talk about rights and lefts. You're right so I left.

    A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.

    What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese.

    5000 hares have escaped from the zoo. The police are combing the area.

    Those who study the moon are optimists. They look at the bright side.

    You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

    Added:

    Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

    The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

    Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

    The reason for the mysterious fog near Cape Cod is hazy but when it disappears it won't be mist.
    Last edited by mytime; 02-06-2012 at 11:36 PM. Reason: added a few more to the post

  10. #10
    Super Moderator squirt's Avatar
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    Default Re: clever puns!

    Every neighborhood has its own Casanova and Bill was the one who always got the most pussy on his block. When he smiled, he had pussy written all over his face. Unfortunately, lately his prowess had fallen off a bit. Bill went to his doctor to complain about what was happening. The doctor was in awe; he couldn't believe it. "Bill," he said, "how could this happen?" Everyone in this area knows you as the King of Pussy you have an incredible reputation." Bill continued to complain to the doctor and said, "What good is a reputation if you can't make it stand up!"

  11. #11
    Super Moderator squirt's Avatar
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    Default Re: clever puns!

    The masochistic homosexual was a sucker for punishment.

  12. #12
    Jokeroo Enthusiast indianajoe's Avatar
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    Default Re: clever puns!

    I met a girl on an internet chatroom and within an hour we were having cybersex.

    We just clicked.
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  13. #13
    Jokeroo Legend stevent222's Avatar
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    Default Re: clever puns!

    I met a girl at an internet cafe, but we didn't click.

    The couple who met in a revolving door are still going round together.

    Two astronauts who were dating put an end to it because they both needed their space.

    The young man quit dating the telephone operator because he felt disconnected. Besides, she had too many hangups.

    High on a ladder he saw a beautiful girl below. He fell for her.

    After dating the goalie on the local team for a while, she realized he was a real keeper.

    Why did the proton blush? It was positively attracted to the electron.

    He put lipstick on his forehead to help him make up his mind.

    He had a soft drink while catching up on the ironing. It was soda pressing.

    Girls who don't get asked out as often as their friends could feel out-dated.

  14. #14
    Super Moderator squirt's Avatar
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    Default Re: clever puns!

    Have you heard about the male and female ventriloquist's dummies? They screwed their heads off.

  15. #15
    Jokeroo Legend stevent222's Avatar
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    Default Re: clever puns!

    Why didn't the turkey cross the road? Because he wasn't chicken.

    Where do you find chili beans? At the North Pole.

    Why don't penguins fly? They're not tall enough to be pilots.

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  16. #16
    Super Moderator squirt's Avatar
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    Default Re: clever puns!

    Hannibal Lector is seeing someone new. She says she hates talking to him when he is nauseated because he keeps bringing up old girlfriends ...
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  17. #17
    Super Moderator squirt's Avatar
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    Default Re: clever puns!

    A man scheduled an appointment with the impotence clinic, but had to cancel because something came up!
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  18. #18
    Super Moderator squirt's Avatar
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    Default Re: clever puns!

    I think it's important to remember that we just can't be good at everything. For example, look at Liberace, he was a great pianist, but he sucked on the organ.

  19. #19
    Super Moderator squirt's Avatar
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    Default Re: clever puns!

    Have you heard about the gigolo in the leper colony? Everything was fine until his business started falling off.
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  20. #20
    Super Moderator squirt's Avatar
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    Default Re: clever puns!

    Have you heard about the exhibitionist who put off retirement? He wanted to stick it out for another year.
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