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Thread: Can you cook? eating and other food related jokes.

  1. #1
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    Default Can you cook? eating and other food related jokes.

    You might be a bad cook if...

    There are bones in your toast.

    Everything you cook seems is leftovers.

    The judges in the Beverly Hills Bake-off vote for Elly May Clampett's biscuits over yours.

    The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.

    Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a firetruck siren.

    Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy christmas cookies.

    You used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, but that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan!

    You've ever burned through the bottom of a pan while cooking.

    You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heatwave and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better.

    The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.

    You refer to flour moth larvae as 'a little extra free protein.'

    Anyone has ever broken a tooth while eating your homemade yougurt.

    Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a pot nine days old tastes like.

    You tell them that the grey fuzzy stuff on top of it 'is good for them.'

    If you avoid the hassle of having to ever reseason your cast iron skillet by always leaving the remains of the last thing you cooked in there for 'flavor.' (Remember that Star Trek episode, 'Mudd's Women'?)

    You hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew.

    There's no such thing as an unusable leftover.

    You know dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

    You've ever messed up a salad.

    The family pets are no where to be found during dinner.

    The family seems really interested in going to that restaurant that always has trouble passing the health inspection...at dinner time.

    You have cooked dishes that are more appetizing after two months in the back of the fridge.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Can you cook?

    Compliments to the cook

    People in Eastern North Carolina eat Chitl'ns (Chitterlings=hog guts).

    Do you know how to cook chitlins?
    Boil the shit out of them.


    My wife is a fitter and turner. She fits food into pots and turns it into shit.


    My wife has a black belt in cooking One chop and your dead!


    "My wife is such a lousey cook that if I leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves."


    My partner's cooking is so bad that we pray AFTER we eat.


    Wife: "The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie."
    Husband: "Which is this?"


    Being retired, I have more time to help out my wife in the kitchen; like putting all the fires out for one thing.


    Around my house no one ever sez, "Guess who's coming to dinner" because nine times out of ten, it's the paramedics.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Can you cook? eating and other food related jokes.

    Give me the coffee and no one gets hurt

    You Know You Drink Too Much Coffee When...

    * Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend"
    * Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
    * You ski uphill.
    * You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
    * You speed walk in your sleep.
    * You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
    * You answer the door before people knock.
    * You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
    * You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
    * You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
    * You sleep with your eyes open.
    * You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
    * The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
    * You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
    * You lick your coffeepot clean.
    * You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House.";
    * You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
    * You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
    * Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
    * You chew on other people's fingernails.
    * The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
    * You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
    * You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
    * You can jump-start your car without cables.
    * Cocaine is a downer.
    * All your kids are named "Joe."
    * You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
    * Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
    * You don't sweat, you percolate.
    * You buy milk by the barrel.
    * You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
    * You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
    * You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
    * You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
    * You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
    * People get dizzy just watching you.
    * When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
    * You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
    * The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
    * Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
    * Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
    * You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.
    * People can test their batteries in your ears.
    * Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans." - Coffee beans that is.
    * Instant coffee takes too long.
    * You channel surf faster without a remote.
    * When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
    * You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
    * You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
    * Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
    * You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
    * You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
    * You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
    * You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
    * You get drunk just so you can sober up.
    * You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
    * Your Thermos is on wheels.
    * Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
    * You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
    * You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
    * You short out motion detectors.
    * You have a conniption over spilled milk.
    * You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
    * Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
    * You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
    * You don't tan, you roast.
    * You don't get mad, you get steamed.
    * Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.
    * Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
    * You can't even remember your second cup.
    * You help your dog chase its tail.
    * You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
    * Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
    * You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
    * You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
    * Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
    * Haven't slept since the Johnson Administration
    * Your next-door neighbors often call to complain about the sound of your chattering teeth.
    * You named your twins "Cappuccino" and "Espresso."
    * You kill a guy for trying to switch your regular coffee with Folgers Crystals.
    * When a Maxwell House commercial comes on, you actually lick the TV screen.
    * Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
    squirt, stevent222 and ddkperry like this.

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    Default Re: Can you cook? eating and other food related jokes.

    A devout Hindu sued Taco Bell for serving him a beef burrito instead of the bean burrito he ordered. He said the forbidden meat caused nausea, loss of sleep and many doctor visits.
    In its defense, Taco Bell said the same thing would have happened if he'd gotten the bean burrito.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Can you cook? eating and other food related jokes.

    New Burger Chain?

    Schools across the country are now experimenting with serving prune burgers -- hamburgers made with prunes. In fact, if that works, they're thinking of opening a chain of prune burger restaurants. I believe they're calling them Windy's.

    Although I think the might get in trouble as their slogan would be "Run For ...."
    squirt, stevent222 and ddkperry like this.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Can you cook? eating and other food related jokes.

    this ain't Burger King, you take it my way or leave the damn thing! lol

    stevent222 and ddkperry like this.










    It's tough trying to keep your feet on the ground, your head above the clouds
    Your nose to the grindstone, your shoulder to the wheel, your finger on the pulse
    Your eye on the ball and your ear to the ground ♥

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    Default Re: Can you cook? eating and other food related jokes.

    You tell them that the grey fuzzy stuff on top of it 'is good for them.'

    Holy!~Molly! I always thought that the green fuzzy stuff was good for you with cheese and jello.

    And knew we were having a salad when the smoke alarm went off.
    squirt and ddkperry like this.

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    Default Re: Can you cook? eating and other food related jokes.

    I love my wife, but her cooking is something else....

    Yesterday she burnt my coffee...... It was instant.
    ddkperry likes this.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Can you cook? eating and other food related jokes.

    A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

    Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

    "That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."
    ddkperry likes this.

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    Default Re: Can you cook? eating and other food related jokes.

    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

    She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

    The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
    ddkperry likes this.

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    Default Re: Can you cook? eating and other food related jokes.

    The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."

    On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.

    A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.

    A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.

    The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

    A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

    Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.

    Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."

    I thought you were trying to get into shape?
    I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.
    squirt, Crudebug and ddkperry like this.

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    Default Re: Can you cook? eating and other food related jokes.

    The night before her wedding, Sandy talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."
    The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
    "I know how to fuck, mother," Sandy interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna!"
    squirt and ddkperry like this.

  13. #13
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    Default Re: Can you cook? eating and other food related jokes.

    Diet for stress

    Breakfast:

    1/2 grapefruit
    1 slice whole wheat toast
    8 oz. skim milk
    Lunch:

    4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
    1 cup steamed spinach
    1 cup herb tea
    1 Oreo cookie
    Mid-Afternoon Snack:

    The rest of Oreos in the package
    2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream
    1 jar hot fudge sauce
    Dinner:

    2 loaves garlic bread
    4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
    1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
    3 Snickers bars
    Late Evening News:

    Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
    Rules for This Diet

    If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
    If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
    When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you do not eat more than they do.
    Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
    If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
    Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
    Cookie pieces contain no calories.
    The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
    Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
    Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
    Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
    Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
    Anything consumed from someone else’s plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)
    REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS
    squirt likes this.

  14. #14
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    Default Re: Can you cook? eating and other food related jokes.

    The chef instructs his apprentice: "You take two thirds of water, one third of cream, one third of broth..."
    The apprentice: "But that makes four thirds already!"
    "Well - just take a larger pot!"
    squirt likes this.

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