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Thread: a redneck christmas poem

  1. #1
    Super Moderator squirt's Avatar
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    Default a redneck christmas poem

    Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
    Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.
    The Skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
    With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
    The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,
    While visions of? tractor pulls danced in their heads.
    And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
    Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

    When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
    I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
    I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,
    But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.

    The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.
    Muh daughter weren't? home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.

    When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
    But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.
    With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick
    I said, "Shoot Fire! That must be St. Nick!

    More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
    And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.

    Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
    On FESTUS!? On ELMER!? On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

    From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
    Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

    I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
    Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
    He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
    I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

    He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
    And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.
    A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
    And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.

    His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
    From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
    A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
    The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

    The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
    He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
    He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
    I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

    He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
    And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
    A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
    From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

    He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
    Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
    His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice
    But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.

    He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.
    Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
    And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

    When the presents were gone and he had no more,
    He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

    He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
    "Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"
    And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
    "MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL... YEE HAWWWW!










    If Jesus is not risen, then our hope is in vain, empty
    And to believe a falsehood could be of no use to anyone
    Christ had been raised, as He said He would be ♥

  2. #2
    Jokeroo Immortal ♪ Grouchie ♪'s Avatar
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    Lol...good One Squirt

  3. #3
    Moderator Zmama's Avatar
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    Default


  4. #4
    Super Moderator squirt's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lil_ms_grouch712003
    Lol...good One Squirt
    thank you very much LMG, glad you laughed










    If Jesus is not risen, then our hope is in vain, empty
    And to believe a falsehood could be of no use to anyone
    Christ had been raised, as He said He would be ♥

  5. #5
    Super Moderator squirt's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mr.zebwa's mama
    thanks mama lol love that santa!










    If Jesus is not risen, then our hope is in vain, empty
    And to believe a falsehood could be of no use to anyone
    Christ had been raised, as He said He would be ♥

  6. #6
    Senior Member jezebel64's Avatar
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    lmao


  7. #7
    Senior Member flyonthewallnum#1's Avatar
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    Best one yet lol
    Thanks wiremaster


  8. #8
    Jokeroo VIP Status Wiremaster's Avatar
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    Santa Had ol Cousin Leroy deklivering to the Rednects so the Reindeer would quit getting shot





  9. #9
    Super Moderator squirt's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jezebel64
    lmao
    glad you laughed lol










    If Jesus is not risen, then our hope is in vain, empty
    And to believe a falsehood could be of no use to anyone
    Christ had been raised, as He said He would be ♥

  10. #10
    Super Moderator squirt's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by flyonthewallnum#1
    Best one yet lol
    I think the one posted on your "how did you sleep" thread is the best one yet but this is the funnies one lol that's for sure, thanks fly










    If Jesus is not risen, then our hope is in vain, empty
    And to believe a falsehood could be of no use to anyone
    Christ had been raised, as He said He would be ♥

  11. #11
    Super Moderator squirt's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wiremaster
    Santa Had ol Cousin Leroy deklivering to the Rednects so the Reindeer would quit getting shot
    he had to do something LOL










    If Jesus is not risen, then our hope is in vain, empty
    And to believe a falsehood could be of no use to anyone
    Christ had been raised, as He said He would be ♥

  12. #12
    Member Kroenen's Avatar
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    LMMFAO, Best Dang Christmas Poem I've Heard In A LOOOONG While!!!
    "There's no settling down. It's going to be blood for blood, and by the gallons.It's the Old Days, the Bad Days, the All-or-Nothing Days. Thet're back. There's no choices left, and I'm ready for War!"

    -- Marv. "The Hard Goodbye".

  13. #13
    Super Moderator squirt's Avatar
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    thanks kroenen










    If Jesus is not risen, then our hope is in vain, empty
    And to believe a falsehood could be of no use to anyone
    Christ had been raised, as He said He would be ♥

  14. #14
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    Great one Squirt, suits us Texan folks just fine!!

  15. #15
    Jokeroo Enthusiast Jefro's Avatar
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    but squirt i thought u were NOT a redneck...LOL great post (i know ur not a redneck...it's ONLY ur in-laws side of the family....lol)

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