Rugby song lyrics

[brilor]

PARLEZ-VOUS

Three German officers crossed the line,

Parlez-vous,
Three German officers crossed the line,
Parlez-vous,
Three German officers crossed the line,
They f***ed the women, and drank the wine
Inky, pinky, parlez-vous.

They came across a wayside inn,

Parlez-vous,

Shat on the mat and walked right in.

Parlez-vous,

(Repeat PV every other line)


Oh Landlord have you a daughter fair,
Lily-white tits and golden hair?

At last they got her on a bed,
Shagged her 'til her cheeks were red.

And then they took her to a shed,
Shagged her 'til she was nearly dead.

They took her down a shady lane,
Shagged her back to life again.

They shagged her up, they shagged her down,
They shagged her right around the town.

They shagged her in, they shagged her out,
They shagged her up her waterspout.

Seven months went and all was well,
Eight months went and she started to swell.

Nine months went, she gave a grunt,
And a little white bastard popped out of her ****.

The little white bugger he grew and grew,
He shagged his mother and sister too.

The little white bugger he went to hell,
He shagged the devil and his wife as well!

[brilor]

Four and Twenty Virgins

Four and twenty virgins
Came down from Inverness
And when the ball was over
There were four and twenty less

Singing......
Balls to your Father
Arse against the wall
If you've never been shagged
On a Saturday night
You've never been shagged at all!

Four and twenty prostitutes
Came up from Glockamore
And when the ball was over
They were all of them double bore

The bride was in the kitchen
Explaining to the groom
That the vagina, not the rectum
Is the entrance to the womb

The village plumber, he was there
He felt an awful fool
He'd come a hundred miles or more
And forgotten to bring his tool

The village smithy, he was there
His balls were made of brass
And when he walked, they clanged
And the sparks went up his ass

The blacksmith's brother, he was there
A mighty man was he
He lined them up against the wall
And f**ked them three by three

The village idiot, he was there
Sitting on a pole
He pulled his foreskin over his head
And whistled through the hole

The village doctor, he was there
Sitting by the fire
Doing abortions by the score
With a piece of red hot wire

The village cripple, he was there
Leaning on the gate
Teaching all the little boys
How to masturbate

The vicar's daughter, she was there
The cunning little runt
With poison ivy up her arse
And a thistle up her c**t

The vicar's wife, she was there
Back against the wall
"Put your money on the table boys
I'm fit to do you all!!"

Now Farmer Giles, he was there
His sickle in his hand
And every time he swung around
He circumcised the band

Father O'Flannagan, he was there
And in the corner he sat
Amusing himself by abusing himself
And catching it in his hat

The village builder, he was there
He brought his bag of tricks
He poured cement in all the holes
And blunted all the pricks

Little Jimmy, he was there
The Leader of the choir
He hit the balls of all the boys
To make them sing much higher

Now little Tommy, he was there
But he was only eight
He couldn't shag the women
So he had to masturbate

The village postie, he was there
The poor man had the pox
He couldn't shag the lassies
So he porked the letterbox

And when the ball was over
Everyone confessed
They all enjoyed the dancing
But the f**king was the best

[brilor]

GOOD SHIP VENUS

It was on the good ship Venus
My God you should have seen us
The figure-head was a whore in bed,
The mast was a rampant penis.

Frigging in the rigging, tossing on the crossing
Wanking on the planking, there was f'**k all else to do

The captain's first name was Slugger,
He was a dirty bugger
He wasn't fit to shovel shit,
from one place to another.

chorus

The first mate's name was Cooper
By Christ he was a trooper
He jerked and jerked until he worked,
Himself into a stupor

chorus

The captain's randy daughter,
Was swimming in the water
Delighted squeals revealed that eels
Had found her sexual quarter

chorus

The Bo'sun's name was Lester,
He was a fanny tester
Through hymens thick he shoved his pr**k
And left it there to fester

chorus

A homo was the purser,
He couldn't have been much worser
With all the crew he had a screw,
Until they yelled "Oh no sir!"

chorus

The second mate's name was Andy
His balls were long and bandy
They filled his a*** with molten brass
For coming in the brandy

chorus

The ship's dog's name was Rover
The whole crew did him over
They ground and ground that faithful hound,
From Singapore to Dover

chorus

The cooks name was Freeman
He was a dirty demon
He fed the crew on menstrual stew,
And hymens fried in semen.

chorus

The end of this narration
Came in jubilation
For they sunk the junk in a sea of spunk,
Caused by masturbation.

chorus

So now we end this serial
Through sheer lack of material
I wish you luck and freedom from
Diseases venereal.

[brilor]

You can tell by my smell, that I'm not feeling well,
When the time of the month comes around.
You can tell by my smell, that I'm not feeling well,
When the time of the month comes around.

Oh, we are the girls from the Tampax Factory,
SHOUT We'rer orders loud and clear (loud and clear),
We've got small, medium, large, super duper, fill-a-barge,
When the time of the month comes around!

You can tell by my stench, that I've got a gammy trench,
When the time of the month comes around.
(Repeat)

chorus

You can tell by my string, that you won't be doing a thing,
When the time of the month comes around.
(Repeat)

chorus

You can tell by my sheet, that you won't be giving meat,
When the time of the month comes around.
(Repeat)

chorus

You can tell by my rope, that you haven't got a hope,
When the time of the month comes around.
(Repeat)

chorus

You can tell by my frown, that you won't be going down,
When the time of the month comes around.
(Repeat)

chorus

You can tell by my whinge, that I've got a sticky minge,
When the time of the month comes around.
(Repeat)

chorus

You can tell by my taste, that it isn't salmon paste,
When the time of the month comes around.
(Repeat)

chorus

You can tell by my moaning, that I'm losing haemoglobin,
When the time of the month comes around.
(Repeat)

chorus

You can tell by my feel, that I'm starting to congeal,
When the time of the month comes around.
(Repeat)

chorus

You can tell by her reek, that it must be Dawson's Creek!
When the time of the month comes around.
(Repeat)

chorus

By the way all these are from a ladies rugby team song book!!!

[Anna]

Great post!!!!!!!!!!!!
To the german officers...thats probly why im married to brit...lol

[brilor]

ALL QUEERS TOGETHER

The sexual life of a camel
Is stranger than anyone thinks
At the height of the mating season,
He tries to bugger the sphinx
But the sphinx's posterior orifice
Is blocked with the sands from the Nile
Which accounts for the hump on the camel
And the sphinx's inscrutable smile

Singing Bum Titty, Bum Titty, Titty Bum
Bum Titty Bum Titty ay,
Singing Bum Titty, Bum Titty, Titty Bum
Singing Bum Titty Bum Titty ay
'Cos we're all queers together
That's why we go around in pairs
Yes we're all queers together
Excuse us while we go upstairs

Now the sexual life of a bullfrog
Is hard to comprehend
At the height of the mating season
He tries to bugger his friend
But the arse of the average bullfrog
Is filled up with mucus and slime
Which accounts for the face of the bullfrog
And why he goes BURRRRRP all the time

chorus
A biological paper from Oxford
By Harrison, Hunter and Hall
Has proven that the common hedgehog
Cannot be buggered at all
An alternative thesis from Cambridge
Has incontrovertibly shown
That comparative immunity from buggery
Is enjoyed by the hedgehog alone

[brilor]

BOHEMIAN CURRY

Naan-aa, just killed a man
Poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle, now he's dead.
Naan-aa, dinner just begun
But now I'm going to crap it all away.
Naan-aa, ooh-ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry,
Seen nothin' yet just see the loo tomorrow,
Curry on,
Curry on,
'Cause nothing really madras.

Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers up my spine
Rectum aching all the time.
Goodbye every bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use loo.
Naan-aa, ooh ooh,
This Dopiaza's mild,
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all...

(Guitar solo)

I see a little chicken tikka on the side,
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh pass the chutney made of mango.
Vindaloo does nicely
Very very spicey ME!
Biryani (Biryani)
Biryani (Biryani)

Biryani and a naan, (A vindaloo loo looo...)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
She's eaten balti, get her to a lavatory
All stand well back
'Cause this loo is quarantined.
Here it comes,
There it goes,
Technicolour yawn.
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again (There she goes)
I chunder
It's coming up again (There she goes)
It's coming up again, (Up again)
Coming up again (up again)
Here it comes again (No no no no no non o no no No).
On my knees,
I'm on my knees,
I'm on my knees
Oh there she goes
This vindaloo is about to wreck my guts
Poor me... Poor me... Poor me!

(Guitar solo)

So you think you can chunder and still it's alright?
So you want to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Ohh maybe, now you'll puke like a baby,
Just had to come out,
Just had to come right out in here....

(Guitar solo)

Korma, saag or bhuna, Balti, naan, bhaji.
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference to me
(Anyway, my wind blows).

[brilor]

CANDLE

All the nice girls love a candle,
All the nice girls love a wick (love a wick),
'Cos there's something about a candle,
That reminds them of a dick (of a dick),
Nice and greasy,
Slips in easy,
It's the girlie's pride and joy,
When you're walking up the front,
With a candle up your c**t,
Ship ahoy boy, ship ahoy!

[brilor]

DUREX IS A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND

A poke with a bloke may be quite incidental,
Durex is a girl's best friend.
You may get the works
But you won't be parental.
As he slides it in,
You trust that good old latex skin
As he lets fly, none gets by
'Cos it's all gathered up in the end.
This little precaution
Avoids an abortion
Durex is a girl's best friend!

[Anna]

CANDLE

All the nice girls love a candle,

All the nice girls love a wick (love a wick),
'Cos there's something about a candle,
That reminds them of a dick (of a dick),
Nice and greasy,
Slips in easy,
It's the girlie's pride and joy,
When you're walking up the front,
With a candle up your c**t,
Ship ahoy boy, ship ahoy!

Aha..understandable by female rugby players.lol

[brilor]

The scrum-half had just suffered a severe blow in the region of his essential equipment.

The trainer ran onto the field with his first-aid gear and as he approached the injured player who was squirming on the ground with his hands clutched between his legs, the scrum-half moaned,

'Please, don't rub 'em! Just count 'em!'

[IZaNaMI]

PMSLOL!

[brilor]

Ladies Night

It was Ladies' Night at the rugby club. A woman walked into the ladies' room and was shocked to see a man using the toilet.

'Excuse me!' she said indignantly. 'This is for women only!'

'So's this!' he replied.

[brilor]

Lady Of The Streets

The rugby team celebrated their victory in the finals with a night on the town.

One of the front row forwards ended up with a lady of the streets in her flat. After the act of sexual congress, he said, 'I'm sorry, love - if I'd known you were a virgin, I'd have been more gentle.'

'Virgin?' she said. 'You must be joking! If I'd have known you were going to be gentle, I'd 'ave taken me tights off'!

[brilor]

Lack Of Respect

An Ireland International, well-known for his lack of respect towards referees, went up to one official and asked, 'What would you do if I called you a stupid bastard?'

'What!' said the referee. 'Why I'd book you and send you off, of course!'

'Well, what would you do if I only thought you were a stupid bastard?'

'Well,' said the referee doubtfully, 'if you only thought it, there's not a lot I could do.'

'In that case,' said the International, 'I think you're a stupid bastard!'

[brilor]

Bridal Passion

'We'd like a suite, please,' said the newly-married English international to the receptionist at the London Hilton.

The receptionist looked at him and his lovely bride, and smiled. 'You'll be wanting the bridal, I suppose?' she said. 'Oh, no,' said the bride, blushing. 'I'll just hang on to his ears till I get used to it.'

[brilor]

Unfaithful Wife

The match was rained off just before half-time and the referee returned home a couple of hours before he was expected. He went into the bedroom and found a stranger in bed with his wife, with his head cradled between her breasts.

'What the hell's going on here?' he shouted.

'I'm listening to the music,' said the stranger.

'You're what!' said the ref. 'Get out of it! Let me have a listen!' He bent over and put his head on his wife's chest. 'I can't hear any music,' he said suspiciously.

'Of course you can't,' said the stranger. 'You're not plugged in!'

[Bamber]

Magic Moments

I'll never forget the smell of the sweat,
From under her armpit,
It wasn't the grass that tickled her arse,
But my little finger.

Magic moments, when our two hearts are sharing,
Magic moments, filled with love.

I'll never forget the brownhatter I met,
On Waterloo station,
He gave me a chew, I'll do it for you,
Oh what a sensation.

Remember the night I fell in the shite,
With my brand new suit on.
The one that I got for selling the lot,
Of my Embassy coupons.

Just for a laugh I went down the park,
And pissed on the flowers,
You sat on a rock and played with me cock,
For hours and hours.

Magic moments when our two hearts are sharing,
Magic moments filled with love

We went to the sea I knew it would be,
A time of emotion,
We laid on the sand my prick in your hand,
I pissed in the ocean.

We went for a ride, we sat side by side,
We developed a wobble,
We fell on the grass I played with your arse,
You gave me a gobble.

[Cariboo Rose]

Four and Twenty Virgins

Four and twenty virgins
Came down from Inverness
And when the ball was over
There were four and twenty less etc

EDIT: Oops, just realized how long ago these were posted! My red face is illuminating the page!! As well as the post below this one!

Brilor, you're killin' me here! I was actually singing along as there are a couple of verses here I hadn't heard before!!

[Cariboo Rose]

GOOD SHIP VENUS

It was on the good ship Venus
My God you should have seen us
The figure-head was a whore in bed,
The mast was a rampant penis. etc

Hahahaha! This has been my sister's and my fave since our cousins came out from Scotland one year and one of them (the most innocent little school boy you could ever imagine - I think he was about 12) taught us all this gem! We still laugh about it many years later! Thanks for the memories!