LORD, THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. That husband died
Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed
for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord,
they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he
means her first, second or third husband?
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around
the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to
maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one
sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and
some of the males actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky
Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a
firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and
held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it
up to him. Harold nodded and said "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding Captain Happy in his
Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer test again!"
An Indian, a black man and a Polack share an apartment. The rent is due
soon and all three are unemployed, so they all go out to look for a job.
That evening, they met to discuss their day.
The Indian says to his roommates, "Me pissed, me no find no job."
The black man then says, "Shit man, I ain't hooked up no job either!"
The Polack chimes in, "Hey, I found a job! The owner said all I had to
do was show up on time at 8 A.M. and I could go to work!"
Knowing that the Indian woke really early and watched the sun rise, the
Polack asked the Indian to wake him at 6:30 so he could get to work on
time, and then went to bed.
The black man liked to play practical
jokes and talked the Indian into helping him play one on the Polack.
While the Polack slept the other two painted his face black.The Indian
woke the Polack at 6:30 who then got dressed and went straight to his
new job. When he got there, he told the owner he was ready to go to
The owner said he didn't know what he was talking about.
The Polack reminded him of his promise to put him to work if he showed
up on time.
The owner said that the guy he hired was white.
The Polack replied, "I am white".
The owner said, "No you're not, you
are black, go look in the mirror!"
The Polack went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and exclaimed,
"That stupid damn Indian woke up the wrong guy!"