Texas chilli cook-off

[theifoncross]

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
> >first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of
> >you who have lived in Texas, you know how True this is! They actually
have
> >a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a
> >Major
> >portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome!
> >
> >INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER:
> >Notes are from an inexperienced Chili Tester named FRANK, who had moved
to
> >Texas from the east coast: "Recently ! I was honored to be selected as a
> >judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
> >moment and I happened to be standing there are the judge's table asking
> >directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the
> >other 2 judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy,
> >and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So
I
> >accepted.
> >
> >The following are the scorecards for the event:
> >
> >-----------------------------------------------------
> >CHILI #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
> >
> >JUDGE #1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
> >
> >JUDGE #2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> >!
> >FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
> >paint
> >from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
> >hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> >
> >------------------------------------------------------
> >CHILI #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
> >
> >JUDGE #1: Smokey, with a hint of port. Slight Jalapeno-tang.
> >
> >JUDGE #2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> >
> >FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am
> >supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> > wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in! more beer
> >when they saw the look on my face.
> >
> >--------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >CHILI #3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
> > CHILI
> >
> >JUDGE #1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
> >
> >JUDGE #2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> >
> >FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
> >have
> >been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
> >before I ignite. Bar maid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in
> >the
> >front part of my chest. I'm getting
> >shit faced from all the beer.
> >-------------------------------------------------------------
> >CHILI #4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> >
> >JUDGE #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> >
> >JUDGE #2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for the fish or
> >other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> >
> >FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste
> >it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds?
> > Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that
> >300
> >pound bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm
> > eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
> >
> >-----------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >CHILI #5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> >
> >JUDGE #1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> >considerable kick. Very impressive.
> >
> >JUDGE #2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the
> >cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> >
> >FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no
> >longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> >paramedics.
> >The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given
me
> >brain damage. Sally saved my
> > tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I
> >wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the
other
> >judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
> >
> >-----------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >CHILI #6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> >
> >JUDGE #1: Thin, yet bold, vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice
> >and peppers.
> >
> >JUDGE #2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
> >Superb.
> >
> >FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric
> >flames. I shit myself when I farted and I worried it will eat
> >through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
!
> >slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
> >anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
> >
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >CHILI #7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
> >
> >JUDGE #1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> >
> >JUDGE #2: Ho hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili
> >peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
> >about judge number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
> >uncontrollably.
> >
> >FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth! , pull the pin, and I
wouldn't
> >feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
> >sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
> >which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like
> >shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know
> >what
> >killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,
> > I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
> >through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
> >
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >CHILI #8: BILLY BOB'S SMOKIN ASS CHILI
> >
> >JUDGE #1: A perfect ending, this is a ! nice blend chili. Safe for all.
> >Not
> >too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> >
> >JUDGE #2: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or
hot.
> >Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out,
> >fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
> >he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
> > really hot chili?