Limericks Feel Free to add your own

[debsxmarshall]

To be real was Pinocchio's desire,
Of this dream he never did tier;
But he knew he was wood,
When he bashed on his pud;
And the poor little bugger caught fire.


There once was a man form Calcutta
who had a good fuck in a gutter
a copper walked by
got cum in his eye
and thought it was anchor best butter

There was a young woman from Ealing
Who had a peculiar feeling
She laid on her back
Opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling

There was a young tart from Southend,
Who tried lesbian sex with her friend;
With a moan and a grunt,
She licked her mates cunt;
And loved the experience no end

There once was a man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
You must admit
She smelled like shit
But imagine the money he saved

There once was a man from Bombay
Who fashioned a cunt outta clay
The heat from his prick
Turned it to brick
And scowered his foreskin away

There once was a man from Bel Air
Who was doing his wife on the stair
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air

[brilor]

There was a young man from Nantucket,
Whose prick was so long he could suck it.
Said he with a grin,
While wiping his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it."

An Argentine gaucho named Bruno,
Said "sex is one thing that I do know,
Women are fine,
And sheep are divine,
But the llama is numero uno."

His mother once came in on Herkin,
And caught him jerkin' his gherkin.
"Here Herkin," she said,
"You're out of your head,
Your gherkin's for ferkin' not jerkin'."

There once was a sailor, a limey,
Who'd spend many long months on the briney,
He searched without luck
for a girl or a duck,
And that's why his hands are so slimy.

There was a young maid from the Azores,
Whose body was covered in sores
The dogs in the street,
Wouldn't eat the green meat,
That hung in festoons from her drawers.

There once was a cop from North Junction,
Whose fucking gear just wouldn't function,.
So for the rest of his life,
He fooled his poor wife,
With some snot on the end of his truncheon

An aging harlot named Tupps.
Was heard to confess in her cups,
"The height of my folly,
Was fucking a collie,
But I got a good price for the pups."

There was a young man from McGill,
Who made his neighbor exceedingly ill,
Because of his habits,
Involving small rabbits,
And a bird with a flexible bill.

Once a watchmaker named McGee
Got so drunk that he couldn't see.
He wound up his clock
With the tip of his cock
And fucked his poor wife with the key.

There once were three lasses from Birmingham
And this is the story concerning them.
They lifted the frock
And tickled the cock
Of the Bishop involved in confirming them.

A poor lass from Dundee
Was raped by an ape in a tree
The result was most horrid
All ass and no forehead
Six balls and a purple goatee.

There once was a lady named Myrtle,
Who had an affair with a turtle.
Even more phenomenal
A swelling abdominal
Showed Myrtle the turtle was fertile.

There once was a virgin named Mable
When asked said, "I don't know if I'm able,
"But try it I dare,
"If you'll just show me where,
"On the bed or the floor or the table."

There was a young man from Racine,
Who invented a fucking machine
Concave and convex
It would fit any sex
But oh what a bastard to clean

There was a young man named McNair,
Who fucked his wife on the stair
But the banister broke,
So he doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in the air.

There once was a hermit named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in his cave,
He said, "I admit,
I'm a bit of a shit,
But think of the money I save."

There once was a girl from Cape Cod
Who thought all blessings came from God
But it weren't the Almighty
who lifted her nighty
It was Roger the lodger by God.

God's plan had a hopeful beginning
But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
We trust that the story
will end in God's glory
But at present the other side's winning.

There was a young fellow from Boston
Who went out and bought a new Austin
There was room for his ass
and a gallon of gas
But his balls hung out and he lost them

In the harem the lonely girl calls
To the eunuch outside on the walls
Come in here she cried
and the eunuch replied
I would but I ain't got the balls.

There was a young lady named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus
They found her vagina
in South Carolina
And her asshole in Buckingham Palace.

There once was a Bishop of Birmingham
Who screwed young girls while confirming them
Their oohs and their aahs
drew rounds of applause
As he pumped apostolic sperm in them.

[brilor]

There once was a whore from Peru
Who filled her pussy with glue.
She said with a grin,
"You pay to get in,
And you pay to get out of it too."

There once was a young girl from Australia
Who painted her bum like a dahlia.
A penny a smell
Went down very well,
But tuppence a lick was a failure.

There once was a young man named Bass
Who had balls that were made out of brass.
When they clanked together
They played "Stormy Weather"
Whilst lightning shot out of his ass.

There once was a virgin from Devon
Deflowered by a party of seven,
All Anglican priests,
the libidinous beasts;
But of such is the kingdom of Heaven!


There was an old sailor named Dale
Whose dick was as big as a whale.
Though he fell off his boat
His dick made him float
And blew him around like a sail.

The hermaphrodite lived in Kew
Whom the local lads loved to screw
Cause she looked so sweet
upon the seat
Of a bisexual built for two.

There once was a man named Crockett,
Who stuck his dick in a socket.
Some son of a bitch
Turned on the switch,
And Crockett shot out like a rocket.


There once was a peon name Leon
Who had a face you could pee on.
When Leon said "Si,si,"
We all went wee wee
On the face of that peon name Leon.

There was a young vampire named Mabel
Whose periods were long and unstable.
On the night of full moon,
with a rusty spoon,
She would drink herself under the table.

There was a young girl from Madrid
Who didn't want to have kids
So she stuck up a rubber
to give herself cover,
But out came a Dunlop non-skid.

There once was a man of real class,
Whose balls were made of fine brass,
In stormy weather
they clung together,
And sparks flew out of his ass.


There once was a woman named Alice
Who pissed in the archbishop's chalice
She later decreed
That she did it from need,
And not out of protestant malice.

Girls of seductive proportions
Should take contraceptive precautions,
Poor little Ermintrude
Let just one sperm intrude.
Who's the best man for abortions?


There once was a girl from Devizes
Who tits were of different sizes.
One was real small
And no good at all
But the other won several prizes.

In the garden of Eden lay Adam
Complacently stroking his madam
And loud was his mirth
For he knew that on earth
There were only two balls, and he had 'em

[brilor]

There was a young student of Trinity,
Who shattered his sister's virginity.
He buggered his brother,
Had twins by his mother,
And took double honour in Divinity.

[Wiremaster]

Hickory dickory dock
some girl was sucking my cock
The clock struck two
I shot my goo
And dumped the bitch on the next block.
______________________________

A plumber whose name was Ten Brink
Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
Her resistance was stout,
And Ten Brink petered out
With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.

[dezired_dreams]

There was a lady who triplets begat
Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun breeding
But trouble feeding
Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat.

[brilor]

Originally Posted by dezired_dreams

There was a lady who triplets begat
Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun breeding
But trouble feeding
Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat.

Mrs McVittie,
Had only one titty,
To feed her baby on,
The little wee fucker had only one sucker,
To clench his gums upon!

[debsxmarshall]

theres some good ones now lol

[Wiremaster]

There was a chicken farmer from Hay,
Who found his hens wouldn't lay;
The trouble was Brewster,
His champion rooster;
You see, Brewster the rooster was gay

~~~

No one can tell about Myrtle,
whether she's sterile or fertile?
If anyone tries
to tickle her thighs,
she closes them tight like a turtle!


There was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
But his daughter named Nan
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket - Nantucket

There was a man from Nantucket
Who's dick was so long he could suck it
He said, with a grin
As wiped off his chin
"If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it."

[squirt]