Kid Test

[Phantom]

For those of you without kids, here are some training tips for parenthood. For those of you that have kids, this is just to remind us why we chose not to have any more.
HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN.

THE MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on your sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Practice writing on the wall with a Hershey Bar Carefully load a sandwich into the VCR, see if it can record anything. Press EJECT when done. Find the tallest place in your home (vaulted ceilings are the best) and splash some tar-like substance in the corner. Wonder how anything could get there in the first place, without scaffolding.

THE TOY TEST

Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

THE GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you while you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

THE DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small, net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

THE FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large, plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the jug's contents on the floor.

THE NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more of your own and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful at all times!

THE INGENUITY TEST

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Item must be complete and perfect within 30-60 minutes!

THE AUTOMOBILE TEST

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. Bend antenna into fabulous W, since radio reception is much improved. There ..... perfect.

THE PHYSICAL TEST (Women)

Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove half of the beans. Leave it on for the rest of your life.

THE PHYSICAL TEST (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Tell the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store's account. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

THE FINAL ASSIGNMENT

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience, since it will be the last time you will have all the answers.

[wolfemech]

Good damn if this is not the truth!!! Well the sleeping one has goten better but the rest is pretty much on the money.

[Harley Girl]

Phantom are you getting soft on us? It's all true. My daughter is almost 4 and everything is good except she still drinks a bottle to relax. Most people look at me like oh my GOD she is too old to have a bottle. I want to smack them in the face! Right now my daughter has accomplished enough and in todays world if she wants a bottle she can fu-kin well have one!!!! Kisses Baby Phantom......KISSES Harely Girl - Just don't get too soft on us i'm missing pissing with u. ;o)))))

[wolfemech]

Originally Posted by Harley Girl

Phantom are you getting soft on us? It's all true. My daughter is almost 4 and everything is good except she still drinks a bottle to relax. Most people look at me like oh my GOD she is too old to have a bottle. I want to smack them in the face! Right now my daughter has accomplished enough and in todays world if she wants a bottle she can fu-kin well have one!!!! Kisses Baby Phantom......KISSES Harely Girl - Just don't get too soft on us i'm missing pissing with u. ;o)))))

Don't fell bad my mom would give my oldest a bottle everytime I turned around until she was two! She didn't get potty trained until 3. And I hear of people having kids 18 months old potty trained. I just can't see how they did it. Another thing I hate is those who tell you not to punish your kids. I tell them ok fine so in 18 years when they break into your house because I never taught them right from wrong I don't want you to punish them.

[whispered_grace]

phantom hit the nail on the head for the people who have one baby at a time....try all that with 2....lol

[homeinspec]

Hey Phantom,,,,glad to see your still passing out that good information,,,,,hope that mission I sent you on will end soon,,,,,,,,,I need ya MAN to much work here,,, the Roo girls are getting a little crazier since you left,,,,,,,